Month: October 2006

• I dreamt of life after death

  Currently reading Catherine Lim’s “Unhurried thoughts at my funeral”.

  You know sometimes, you don’t remember your dreams right after you’ve awaken. Instead, it slowly come to you when you are randomly slacking or daydreaming. Somehow it just, like, POP, appears in your mind?

  Yeah. I dreamt of life after death. I remember Celine was in the dream. Somehow, reincarnation was kinda like a good thing in that dream. There weren’t any heaven, and either you idle and bore yourself to second death, or you reincarnate.

  Celine died first and I watched the process. She was like on this ledge, about the height of 1, 2 metres? You had to jump down, but you float, not dive down and die again. During this time, do whatever you want.

  Pray to God, last words to your families said to yourself, whatever. Once you touch the ground, you’ve to get ready. There would be a burst of white light rimmed with red, a beautiful sight really, surrounding you.

  I kinda forgot what happens then, but after that you will find yourself lying on the ground, and you NEED to keep your mind free of thoughts and shut your eyes. Kinda like a dead person. Ok, well, you ARE dead. Whatever.

  Apparently, Celine reincarbated as Celine, and she told me about what to do. Then it was my turn to die.

  SADLY. I was unable to keep myself free of thoughts. I was thinking, “Oh, shit. I better keep my eyes closed, cos I totally don’t wanna wander. I wanna reincarnate!” BIM BAM BOM. My fate was sealed.

  It was terrifying lah. Like a scratch card, or like some video game, I somehow saw the words, “Sorry, you are not reincarnated” infront of me. I think after that I wandered around some random place. Can’t remember anymore of this dream.

  Kinda cool yeah? Some omen? I remembered it out of the blue when reading Unhurried Thoughts at my Funeral in the library.

  

  October 10, 2006

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• It sucks.

  I hate the haze. It makes me depressed. Maybe it’s not just the haze, but the haze on top of everything.

  I thought there was going to be peace. Well, there was. Momentarily. Now it’s just a big stupid patch of haze obstructing my line of vision.

  It used to be so clear. What was what, what I like and what I do not. Now it’s different, there is the haze, forever clouding up what used to be so damn obvious.

  And then there were the lights, piercing through the fogginess. Not as glaring, dimmed. It used to shed light to stuff, give them a definition of what they are.

  Now it can never be confirmed. It’s just a singular orb of light by it’s own. It does not swallow the world with it’s light, but allow itself to be engulfed by the haze.

  It sucks, and I don’t know why. I’m seeking confirmation, I never get that. The only consolation is the comfort of knowing that the haze has not covered me. Yet.

  There’s still a radius of clarity around me, though that’s just an optical illusion, I’m fine with it.

  I can just let go, it affects me directly, that’s true, but it will never really harm me fatally. I despise the fact of how I can’t just forget about the whole damn thing.

  You’ll never understand me. I’m under a facade.

  And quit laughing or saying I act cheem and deep. I’m not. I’m not even using my high-class English. Don’t always expect me to be some circus clown. It sucks to know funny people gets slammed from having the blues.

  

  October 6, 2006

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