Q

How quick life moves when you’re eighteen.

Just three hours ago, there was I, lying in bed – thoroughly broken. It’s just everything that’s been happening and PMS and trying so hard to tell myself I’m not unhappy.

It’s a little early, but #12 – When you’re unhappy, admit it.

I hadn’t felt so miserable in about a year. Basically, I couldn’t stop thinking about how God IS real – but for everyone else but me.

It’s hard to explain, but I have seen Him at work, sometimes through me – so I believe in him. But somehow, I’ve always felt that he has never helped ME much. At least not in any significant or evident way.

Now I think it’s probably I don’t need that kind of help. Well, not yet.

So I was lying in bed pretending to sleep while my family took turns trying to get me to talk. After awhile they left me alone. I was just crying and crying and wondering why God was there for everyone except me.

And then I thought – k screw this. Maybe he isn’t even real after all. At least not in my life. Yeah and I kept trying to convince myself that, but somehow in me I couldn’t believe He did not exist.

Which is kinda special right? I mean, usually people who want to force themselves into believing but inside there seeds a doubt. I never knew I was capable of so deep belief so that’s great I guess.

Anyways, I was really upset. Yknw, I’ll probably call it heartbreak. The kind of feeling where someone you love so much, and trust so much, probably more than anyone else in the world – isn’t there when you need him the most. You KNOW he can, but he doesn’t.

What does that show? So I thought, if you care then show me a sign.

It didn’t seem very obvious to me at that point of time, but after more weeping silently in bed and generally angst against the world, my tutor, who is also a family friend, visited us randomly.

She came in and asked what was wrong, and tried to coax me into telling her – so it all came out. Everything I’ve been trying so hard not to think about.

She was both sympathetic and logical, telling me to just stay strong and keep God’s love with me, while dissecting my problems and finding the right approach to it.

Towards the end she also asked me if my period was due and finally diagnosed me with a bad case of PMS.

I feel much better now.