Q

the one thing about us humans is that we are all, inadvertently, selfish. this does not refer only to the motive behind malicious actions, but even those that appear altruistic.

it’s like this: even when we truly, wholly want to do good – and a large part of us does it for the benefit of others – the key spur lies in our subconscious desire for the self-satisfaction (and subsequent self-assurance of our character) that comes WITH doing good. ultimately, and inevitably, it’s all about us. (i know i sound like ris low here, but in fact she is a perfect analogy for my case: if you strip one of all her secondary intelligences and social awareness [you get a ris low], she would very confidently tell you that ‘it’s all about me’.)

when it comes right down to it, it is. EVERYTHING we do is about us. and there’s nothing wrong with that. it’s nature; we are built this way. our primal brothers were concerned mainly for survival, and the sense of community came about only when we started establishing relationships and realizing that if another were to be hurt, we will somehow be affected in the long run. SO YES. all about us, and it’s fine. my point for this post is something else about selfishness entirely, but i just had to clarify the above so we can see selfishness as just a fundamental part of ourselves, not to be taken as a negative thing or whatever. what i do want to talk about: the irrational hatred towards another.

why do we sometimes, for no seeming reason, dislike another? if you assume the above theory that all our reactions are engendered by deep selfishness, it’s illogical that we as humans can hate another who has done almost nothing to threaten our position. it is understandable if you harbour hatred for someone who scribbled saucy untruths about your sex life all over school desks, or another who took your lime popsicle from the canteen uncle and made you cry for one whole traumatic hour (which was what totally happened to me. i still hate her. ANYWAYS.). in other words, DIRECT attacks at your well-being.

back to those people you just hate for no reason. to properly examine this i shall use an allegory that is common to all girls:

you hate a ‘slut’. she has done nothing to you. factually, she has not even spoken to you, and neither you to her. you hate her because she plays with boys and boys are enamoured by her. you find her behaviour absolutely disgusting. but why, it has nothing to do with you. you don’t know the boys she constantly leeches on. in entirety, her behaviour has no impact on your life at all.

this will be your justification: that her skanky behaviour goes against your principles and moral ideals and so it offends you to have even the knowledge of her doing all these stuff. that’s just absolute bullshit. you might also want to be brutally honest with yourself and say it’s because you’re jealous and inherently you would love to be a slutty slut with boys hanging on to your slut self. that is close, but it’s much more than that.

to reiterate, all of our conscious responses arise from self-serving thoughts. here, it roots from our insecurities. actually, so many disorders have originate from insecurity, but yes. back to the slut allegory.

here you hate the slut because you are either subconsciously aware that you are lacking (of the slut factor) and aspire to be one, or you see much of yourself in the slut, and it’s something you are not proud of. the slut becomes not simply a person whose actions offend your moral high ground, but is actually either a hugeass representation of your inadequacies, or a hugeass manifestation of the faults you are deadly fearful others might see in you.

yes. your. own. freaking. inadequacies. and. faults. the hatred is then driven by your insecurities surrounding them. you don’t want anyone to know you’re lacking or flawed, and therefore make a deliberate effort to disassociate yourself from said representation/manifestation. the greatest way you know to distance yourself from it is to hate on it, thus drawing the boldest of all contrast between you and It (it being the slut here la) and making yourself believe you are NOTHING like them (denial). it all arises from a deep seated fear that someone might one day draw a parallel between you and the slut, and realize either that you’re not as good as the slut (and judge you for that) or that you are actually a slut (and judge you for that).

the greater your insecurity, the more faults and and gaps you notice in yourself, the more you are able to pick out people with similar traits, who become physical demonstrations of these flaws of yours, and the more vastly and intensely you hate.

so, at the end of the day, it’s not the slut you’re hating. it’s yourself. or at least, what you perceive in yourself as undesirable to society.

this is the truth, for some people at least. in fact, i catch myself committing this insecure hate thing sometimes. why am i particularly annoyed by whimsical-elusive-butterflies?, i ask myself. do i deep down really want to be a mystery? my blog archive tells me that YES. when i am feeling exceptionally self-pitying i actually do:

https://dopaminedaze.wordpress.com/2010/01/20/reinventez/

at the end of the day i realized my mistake and ended with a full embracing of myself like a predictable movie would. really, i’m just too well-adjusted for my own good and can never really be emotionally damaged (even though i damaging another emotionally is very probable). it will happen again, of course, this perpetual cycle of insecurity, denial, projection and hatred, as it will to everyone but it helps if you think more about yourself and why you do certain things though, it really does.