Month: September 2012

• This is really bad.

  So i went for a check up and while nothing’s diagnosed yet i’ve been trying to gain best as i can so by the time my next follow-up comes along i’ll be good enough to skip the blood test.

  It’s not really working.. yet. And in the beginning it was pretty miserable i was a sad pathetic desperate girl sitting in my room alone continuously munching on fatty nuts and ritz and gulping down cartons of milk. There was one day i literally didn’t rest more than 20 min before i break open some form of food again.

  Every night i’ll go to bed with my stomach aching and feeling like i need to puke and the next morning i’ll weigh myself with lots of hope and that day after my dad made me down all that meat, I WAS A HAPPY 1KG HEAVIER.

  …and then i shat and today morning i’m back to square one.

  Anyway, even though it’s horrifically unhealthy, i’ve gone lazy and sick of stuffing myself with nutritious food. Somewhere along the way i realized that a quick way to grow fat without having to force food down is to, simply, eat really decadent food that’s small but full of fat-growing abilities. Basically pastry and chocolate.

  Having already loved with chocolate all my life (every once a month i’ll encounter the Exploding Chocolate In Bag syndrome where i’ll find unexpected chocolate messes in my bag from forgotten bars i’m always carrying around), so i thought alright this is where i can have all the chocolate i want WITHOUT RESTRICTION.

  One would think the sheer amount of chocolate consumed will scare me into avoidance. Au contraire. I’ve just developed this severely unhealthy obsession with chocolate i’m serious i will wake up with my stomach feeling INCREDIBLY hollow and i’ll eat some bread or eggs or crackers and it’s still there IT CAN BE SATIATED ONLY WITH CHOCOLATE.

  And chocolate it is.

  I know, i know it’s really bad for health and the last thing i want is a coronary heart disease but it really is the easiest and least painful way of gaining weight.

  Anyway the point of this is that i just spiralled into chocolate madness heaven.

  With a round of Twix slam.

  If an orgasm is the highest form of pleasure in the carnal sense, i had the consumption version of it.

  First attempt. I didn’t think it would be as good as Tim Tam, but DAYUM. It was better.

  The caramel was thicker, biscuit sturdier. It held out for really long, this one, and the inside warmed up gradually and WHEN IT FINALL COLLAPSED.

  I.. i just.

  It was rhapsody.

  So obviously i couldn’t stop at one.

  The second one was quite the nightmare because my fingers were already sticky from the previous one and i it got on my hair in my excitement and i couldn’t wipe it off i think everyone was judging me but i re-judged them for not having experienced this pleasure.

  A hot, beautiful chocolate mess.

  I was thinking of a Twix Slam tournament where we all come together and see who can polish off a venti hot chocolate with Twix bars first AND THE PRIZE WILL BE that everyone else pays for the Twix and drink. This challenge is open to everyone. It is also an excuse for me to go into chocolate heaven once again.

  Ya i just hope i don’t get cardiac arrest and die or something.

   

  Also i am incredibly distracted by chocolate and have not been studying DEADDD.

  Although at this rate it seems kind of worth it.

   

   

   

  September 30, 2012

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• RC things

  some things i didn’t anticipate about living in a residential college.

  1.

  the very cumbersome need to always have a buck with you for laundry services. sometimes made worse when the coin exchange machine wouldn’t have your note for some reason. also, sometimes when you end up losing your notes. crai.

  2.

  rooms are a time warp. in one night, the place can gather dustballs the size and intensity of tumbleweeds – the kind you get in mansions destitute for about fifty years.

  3.

  there is not. enough. meat. in this place. every day it’s cookies and biscuits and bread and pastry. i used to go for carbs all the time, but now even i’m sick of it. currently subsisting on chocolates (which i can’t get sick of) and reluctantly, bread.

  i am going to have a steak tonight, i solemnly promise myself.

  Edit: GUYS. I TAKE THIS BACK. Whined to my dad about craving meat and he force fed me with marbled beef sukiyaki, Japanese curry chicken, sashimi and soft shell crab oh god oh god that was six hours ago and i can still feel them all the animals going berserk inside me ughhh.

  But oh the sukiyaki was brilliant. Broth was diabetically flavorful and wagyu beef cut was full of lovely buttery fats.

  

  LOOK AT THAT BEAUTIFUL DAMN MARBLE.

  But for now i’m actually sick of meat and am temporarily vegetarian. Probably until tomorrow afternoon when i start morphing into a carnivore again.

  4.

  i really love late mornings in this place though. the pretentious green grass, the planes of light on clean wood, the cicadas, the easy space.

  5.

  i’ve heard horror stories about pantry thieves, but have been very thankfully unharmed (yay!) in fact, i’m the mug thief. i steal mugs every morning from the dining hall. well i do return them.. eventually.

  6.

  for someone who gets hungry every 1.5 hours (yes, again, the impeccable body clock strikes – the same one that makes me wake at 6:30am every morning), it’s a long miserable trip out to cheers/koufu every time i want snacks.

  7.

  i still miss home, but now i see RC as another home. getting used to the entire place. walking around with misshapen hair in my embarrassing home shorts.

  September 28, 2012

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• I AM COOKIE MONSTER.

  1.

  It is World Book Week and on a very appropriate note, my Amelie Nothombs from Book Depository’s arrived~ Except they’re posted to my home. My mom was gonna deliver them over today but got caught up with work last minute so i’d have to wait. But srsly. I must have whined about them unknowingly for quite awhile because my parents and sister all texted me to let me know my books have been delivered at different times and i every time i get the text i hyperventilate a little more.

  I’m such a lit fan girl it’s disgusting.

  2.

  The weeks pass so damn quickly i can scarcely believe it.

  I’m slighhhtly losing steam on the academic front, but because i was so organized and productive in the first couple of weeks, i think taking awhile off is fine. I was surprisingly calm about being underprepared for Stats mid-terms just now (copying out my cheat sheet 20 minutes before my classes trololol).

  One thing. I keep hearing people complaining about the mad competition in university. I don’t get it.

  Competition only exists in one’s one mind. It’s a perceptual construct. It exists only when you imagine it to be there, thereby conceding your participation. See, there is no way you can be part of a competition if you didn’t sign up for it.

  So i say to heck with competition! Especially if you don’t like it. I understand that some people thrive in it, that they use it as positive motivation. But if you personally are upset with all the ‘competition around’, then just.. stop. Stop looking at everyone as competitors. They’re working hard because they want to do well, they probably don’t even care or know who you are.

  I’m a huge advocate of working because you want what you’re working for. Working in comparison to others just never seemed like a proper motivation for me.

  3.

  

  MAF with all my lovely friends that i miss so much and Ms How and Ms How’s qt nephew! We found the treasure trove of hot chinese tea, pomelo and magical snow skin mooncake in the hall! They gave them out FREE FLOW and we were all like BLASPHEMY how could we not have known this in the past two years, instead buying overpriced chicken wings from the councillors! It’s a pity i don’t like mooncake, but the tea was good~ So was the company. <3

  4.

  Sick of hall food, sneaking out to get pricey nonsense instead. I would feel guilty about this except it’s my dad who insists he’d rather i spend more and eat more than scrimp and starve on sucky hall food (which isn’t that bad but the same shit for breakfast every day!? Even the international variety can’t make that tolerable in the long term).

  

  They served Laksa a couple of days back and it was as good as if not better than the ones you get at hawker centres (i think, i don’t really eat at hawker centres) (although this would soon change because Gee Ang and Xin are gone).

  

  And the pseudo Shepard’s Pie that i loved because of carrots i love carrots.

  This is because before Utown i desperately searched for photos of the food here so i’m doing every potential Utowner a favor.

  Speaking of, after finding this website devoted to reviewing cookies i spiralled into this insane cookie craving phase that resulted in the most magical Cookie Day (and a Half). Had a package of Famous Amos which was incredibly unsatisfying because it popped out of the FASS vending machine. Spent two hours of psych tutorial dreaming of a Subway cookie and staging an internal debate between the goodness of Peanut Butter or White Chip Macadamia (Peanut Butter was out after my two hour ordeal so White Chip it was). Still wasn’t as good as i wanted it to be so i went to bed unhappy but not before scarfing down three quaker oat cookies. Small and un-decadent. Finally, finally cookie contented this morning with Pepperidge Farm’s cookie packages. And plain ol’ chocolate chip – it never goes wrong NEVER.

  Dammit now i want some more. WHEN WILL THIS COOKIE RAMPAGE END.

  Actually, never. My cookie addiction is eternal.

  5.

  

  First.

  

  Second.

  …third soon. I don’t know how i can handle this.

  :’-(

  September 20, 2012

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• OH LIFE.

  Life. It goes by so, so quickly in university.

  Although i do complain quite a fair bit about the stress, the never-ending workload (it really is never-ending), the lack of time for myself, it’s admittedly all pretty exciting. The kind of hectic i’ll miss when i’m one day stuck in a 9 to 5.

  But it’s always like this. When i was in St Nicks i missed the carefree days in primary. In Hwach i wanted every day to return back to St Nicks. And now in uni i find myself craving those Hwachong days i swore i’d never want to go through again. I’m kind of resigned to the fact that every stage i’d only wish to go back a little further. It’s not that i’m unhappy, it’s just that i was happier back then. Still. I’m good, because with that resignation comes the realization that someday this will be a time i want back so i’d better savor it now.

  I can say this partly because i’m home molesting my desktop that beautiful beast with it’s solid black keys and widescreen display.

  1.

  Another one of the mugs leaving tomorrow.

  It sunk in earlier in the week when i was alone in my room and it was so frightening i suppressed it, so right now i’m still in part-denial. Instead of feeling that fear of not being able to see Xin for a long, long time, i feel excited about seeing her tomorrow. Like i’ve forgotten the context of why exactly i’m seeing her. Let’s hope i can keep this up (as i did with Cath’s send off – by wearing a ridiculous frog mask and singing Happy Days whenever that panic rises). After that, one more to go (Gee), and the rest of the mugs will somehow have to survive this through sheer power of the will and lots of mutual WEH-ing. I’m scared and i don’t want them to leave but, what to do what to do.

  2.

  Today being a guinea pig for RP i was made to write briefly about what i thought i’d feel and think at my moment of death. I wrote what i’d already known for awhile: that i’ll feel no fear, maybe relief, maybe even a perverse kind of curiosity and excitement to knowing what comes next, that the sadness will only flood in when i think about the people i’d leave behind, a perhaps narcissistic sadness because i imagine their grief to be incredibly crippling for them.

  But then i continued writing. In that split second every emotion, thought, sensation you’ve had in your life will concentrate into a single point experienced in that very moment. I’d feel alive – more alive and more aware of my alive state than i’ve ever had, i’d feel so intensely my sense of being that i’ll finally understand what it is to live. And then BAM comes my anti-climatic (or not really) death.

  Such theatrics.

  3.

  Trying to eat my way back to a healthy looking weight i really am trying but it’s not working, but probably too early to tell. :-/ Googling ‘food to eat to gain weight’ everyday and accordingly drinking cartons of soy milk and papaya milk daily (ok fine for boob growth also). Apparently fats from junk and sugar will go to all the wrong places so i’m trying hard to bulk up instead with what the internet calls ‘healthy fats’ like nuts and stuff. But i generally fail at life and cannot make myself injest nuts unless it’s almonds implanted innocuously in a decadent Hershey’s bar. Story of my life today. I cannot resist chocolate in fact i want chocolate really badly now and i shall go get some.

  4.

  I’ve come to an age where i can really appreciate the people i love. Random texts from old friends, new friends, friends around me, friends far away. I feel secure in the knowledge that all around there are people i may not spend every second with, but are there for me. I think the sense of this comes from my living habits now. I wanted a people-routine free environment, where i don’t stick to the same bunch of people, where i don’t have to meet the same people every day, i live by myself and by my own choices. Time and direction is made and broken by only myself. That has made me acutely aware of how when i need a friend there’s always, always somewhere there. I’m lucky because a few of them are right here with me in RC, but it’s not just them – it’s everyone else i’m close to all over the place, in Singapore or not. It’s like this amniotic sac of close friends-ness i’ve finally settled in and feel completely secure about and it makes me happy. I don’t know. It was after texting Nat about not seeing her for a long time, and reassuring each other that we’ll always still be close no matter that made me think about everyone else and feel just so damn grateful for all of them. It’s rare for anyone to have close friends they perfectly trust and are at ease with, most can’t think of more than five, i can go further than ten and it’s the one thing in life i’m very proud of. Also i feel very loved by the family and every day i am newly impressed by the boyfriend and am reminded again of why we’re dating. RIGHT NOW I LOVE PEOPLE and am so full of people-affection even i’m slightly disgusted.

  5.

  ALSO, INSANELY EXCITED FOR MAF ON SUNDAY where i get to see the A16 girls again!!! Our mini-Whatsapp uni support group, food recommendation updates and random visits keep me going~

  6.

  I can paint my own nails really well.

  7.

  Screw the workload and stress and impossible schedules i can take it because I AM STRONG.

  September 15, 2012

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