Q

If I had a say in the kind of dreams I have, I’d rather the bad ones.

I’ve dreamt that a loved one died, I fell out with a good friend, I’m in deep trouble for something, and just yesterday that I was covering up for murder while the guilt and fear was slowly murdering me.

The relief I feel upon waking up is sweet. I’d think holy shit thank GOD that wasn’t real, and spend the rest of the morning being grateful about the sun and the peace and the lack of deep shit I am currently in.

A lot of the good dreams, especially the flash backs, I’d pass on. Sometimes I get dreams – ones that are so mundane they almost seem real – of being back in my old house, of just being with my family, everything normal as it had been a few years ago.

I shouldn’t even call it a good dream, actually. They are more like normal dreams. Time traveling dreams back to a period where there was nothing fundamentally wrong with my life.

Those I wake up to with an all consuming, dark knowledge that it wouldn’t happen again. It’s like having all those months of suspicion and tension and drama condensed into that single moment of awakening.

And then sometimes I’d have the simplest and sweetest dreams. Of sharing a joke with my friends (and wake up laughing), or just hanging around with Justin.

I’d wake up and there will be that few seconds of confusion before I realize that these things still happen and will probably happen for quite a while.

It feels great.