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Month: June 2013

Zombie Dreams

Watching WWZ made me remember this dream I had about zombies that made me realize on a what a good person I am even on the subconscious level. Yes, I do say this myself but humility and compassion are not necessarily symbiotic.

Anywayzers.

It was a seriously vivid dream. The emotions I felt were distinct and intense and true. It started off with me right after I got infected by a zombie. I could feel myself losing control. In that transitional stage I managed to drunkenly drag myself to a female toilet, the whole time thinking: Please don’t let anyone come in, please don’t let anyone come in.

It was really scary, the transformation – it was like having my brain taken over gradually, knowing I’ll no longer be myself and that I’ll do things that I fear. Then I suddenly became aware that there was a woman hiding in one of the stalls.

Thus came one of the most epic struggle between my consciousness and my most primitive, diseased instincts. God, it was such a painful battle: I spazzed around the toilet stalls alternating between mournful cries and raging hunger. And I kept screaming at the idiot lady to run away but all that came out was truly terrifying savage wails.

And then at last she tried to escape and I couldn’t help but chase after her, and right when we were outside and I was about to attack her, that infinitesimal human part of me that remained forced myself to lunge over the railing, effectively committing zombie suicide.

The moments before dying I remember being happy because a) I died (at least a little bit) human and b) I killed a zombie (the one I was becoming).

June 30, 2013
Top 5 Things I’ve Learnt About Being in a Relationship

(as a tribute to our 1st year together yay!)

Like i said before i still have a lot to learn about sharing my life with someone else in such an intimate way but i have picked up some important stuff here and there – i may be generalizing but they’ve mostly worked for me, so:

1. Don’t give in or compromise.

If you find yourself giving in most of the time, even for things that you truly stand for or reasonably want, it might make you a good boy/girlfriend for the other, but not necessarily one in context of the relationship. Firstly, it’s not a sustainable strategy because eventually you’ll tire out. Secondly, a relationship is built when both are investing. If the other doesn’t have a chance to give up certain things, they’d get bored before you tire out.

This may sound contradictory, because everyone exhalts compromise as the key to a healthy relationship. I’m playing semantics here, but compromise connotes some level of dissatisfaction despite an agreement. Instead, a couple should see their happiness as a joint affair, so ensuring the other’s well-being becomes natural, not an ‘inconvenience’ or a compromise.

2. Honesty over everything.

I learnt this over the first few months: that even white lies, or not being completely open about your feelings with some things leads to no where pleasant. Sometimes yes the truth can be embarrassing or humbling, or just plain awkward to discuss. But getting past that uncomfortable bridge just once makes everything afterwards so much easier. Inhibitions and partial truths are reserved for future employers and insurance forms, not relationships you want to sustain.

3. Stop seeking drama.

Oh my god I cannot stress this enough. Fortunately both Justin and I are pretty averse to this so it’s never been an issue, but we’re constantly horrified by the amount of self-generated pathos all around us. I don’t know what it is about Singaporeans but it’s like they just can’t get enough of thrills and would (subconsciously or not) cook up problems and indulge in romantic mind games which they would then passive aggressively hint at ALL OVER SOCIAL MEDIA which is one of my pet peeves by the way.

A relationship is as straightforward as you want it to be. Of course real problems exist, but faaar too often it’s constructed by people themselves and then brought to a new level of PDPA (Public Display of Passive Aggressiveness) which is just UGH. Ok if mind games and tumultuous relationships are your fetish go ahead but leave my Twitter feed alone? Also if your partner is not into it, it’s just plain annoying. Shtap.

4. A relationship isn’t a trade.

There isn’t a need to a tabulate how much you’ve done for the other and surreptitiously await payment. Neither is there the obligation to reimburse the other for whatever they’ve done for you (both Justin and I suffer from this lol). I guess yeah, accept that the other loves you and wants to do things for you. Carrying guilt or a sense of obligation becomes an unnecessary burden. At the same time do things out of love without conditions.

5. Don’t idealize (too much).

Some times we forget that a good girl/boyfriend may not be the perfect girl/boyfriend for you. Likewise what others deem to be a perfect relationship may not be what you’re truly looking for. We may have a checklist of ideals, but it really boils down to the fluid, real time interaction, no? Focus on what he or she is doing with or for you without actual expectations at all (besides the core ones like being faithful and all, lah) and just be appreciative.

:-) YAY!

June 24, 2013
One Year Strong

It’s been a year since I was first bribed by Justin’s cookies into being his weekend bitch. It feels surreally like I’ve known him since way before that, but at the same time like we just got together a week ago.

There wasn’t much fanfare or fireworks: we spent Saturday playing boardgames, eating homemade chee cheong fun, and watching Finding Nemo at Xin’s with the mugs; Sunday drowsily watching cartoons and cat videos between taking a lot of naps.

It’s difficult to put the extent of this into words, but I really, really do love him very much, everything about him, and in many ways. I love him as a friend and as a person. I am a huge fan of his intelligence, his talent, his lack of pretention and how much fun he is to be around, the way I love all my other friends who blind me with their quick wit and make me laugh. I love him in an annoying and nauseatingly infatuated way – when he smiles it makes me want to flail around because it’s too adorable to bear and I just want to squeeze him rlyrly tight in a completely sexual way. And I love him like I would my family: thoroughly and with a biological inevitability.

One of the few things I’m very grateful for: he has smoothened out an otherwise rough road for me. I tend to go a little nuts with change and disorder. University, coupled with some shifts in my family and growing up and everything in the crockpot of horror would’ve made me completely cray. I was really lucky because at the time I most needed stable, unconditional care, and someone to hawkishly watch out for and rag sense into me, he was there.

The other: he makes me want to be a better person. The quiet way he is mindful of other’s misfortunes without being showy about it, the gentle way he has with qt little animals, the way he gives me a second (more empathetic) opinion whenever I rage about someone who annoyed me. It makes me think – omg even Justin who is super bitchy on social media is nicer than me I need to stop being a witch – and I’d channel good thoughts and breathe compassionate chi.

The thing I love most of all is that he doesn’t even realize how much he’s done for me.

*infatuated flail*

Anyway, I can’t claim to be an expert or anything, but there were a few things I’ve picked up on how to keep a relationship going. It didn’t come naturally and it took some trial and error, a little hard work and thought. (And I’m extra motivated to work for it because we might be continentally separated in the near future so I wanna make the most out of what we have.)

I’m a strong believer of having to work to sustain a relationship, be it a friendship or otherwise. This is ’cause I think love and hate are just a tiny leap away from each other – both governed by strong passions. You can love someone insanely but if you don’t prune the relationship well and it sours, it can so, so easily transit into hate.

It’s been a year and I still feel all fuzzy and excited whenever I think about Justin, in fact I think a lot more so than I already did a year ago. I’m just ver, very grateful for everything and idk what kind of luck I’ve accumulated because this boy is really perfect ily

*INTENSE EMOTIONS*…

*awkward exit*

June 24, 2013
R4 YESSAH !

Arts Camp 2013. Although this time round i didn’t get the freshie experience, it was nothing less than amazing and i’m so, so thankful for that (and to everyone who made it so).

I remember the culture shock i got in 2012, entering a place where everyone screamed unabashedly about their wriggling snakes and making babies with each other. But upon induction you realize this is the only time you can be completely crude, have fun with it for some reason probably related to Freud’s theories of repression, and get away with it (with a prize if you do it enthusiastically enough).

That about sums up what i love about Arts Camp. It’s a place where you don’t get judged, where everyone just loves each other, stripped from the every day inhibitions and wariness and social distance.

That said, I hope all that loving loveliness with all the people old and new i’ve met in AC2013 carries on after camp. Can’t wait for O Week~~~! (Although I can wait for start of school oh god T.T the dread.)

June 23, 2013
Precursor

It began in 2008 when i came across a jazz recording somewhere outside, and fell into such crashing love with the double bass (tbh i didn’t know what instrument it when i first identified its sound) (also i’d never listened to jazz voluntarily). I found out what it was (through shameless inquiry), this:

My first love and always one of my favorites, Mingus on double bass.

And then i dove right in and haven’t gone back up for air since.

I’ve never liked limiting myself to a preferred ‘genre’ of music, to me there’s only good music or bad music (and even then based on the individual). But jazz, but jazz. I’m obscenely partial to it. To me it’s the purest, most distilled form of music.

There’s a whole literature and science on it and also ridiculous variety given its history, but i mainly stick to bebop and cool jazz, occasionally nujazz (mostly japanese ones). Also i love the ones without emphasis on lyrics/with just nonsense lyrics. Better yet if it does without completely (yah i’m pretty much off scat singing).

I’ve always remained vaguely embarrassed about it, i’m not sure why. Not the same embarrassment i feel for secretly liking Alt-J (a brassy, see-if-i-care, omg i’m gross kind), but a shadier, more private one. It may have been because i never bothered to share it with anyone initially, because i knew none of my friends listened to it. And when someone did accidentally stumble across me listening to jazz one day over the phone, he asked “um… why are you listening to sex music?”

But sometimes it gets a little lonely it’s just such, such a lovely world that it seems to me a pity more of my friends aren’t into it. And not because they won’t like it but probably cause they never tried?

So i’m gonna do a series of recommendations (hence the title) of my favorites, cultivated over five years (with lackluster knowledge of the technicalities of which there are a lot, i should warn y’all). Half of you will be bored to death the other half will skip them. But maybe just oneee person will like at least one of the recs and i’d be rlyrly happy with that.

Ok but another day because i’m hungry and shleepy rn also i wanna read bye.

June 11, 2013
Captive

Went to the zoo with brilliant company. I had fun, as I always do at the zoo. But this time round it was shaded vaguely by a strange sadness. At every exhibit, we would exclaim over the animals, mimic their sounds, and giggle over comments of the animal’s silliness. And then almost inadvertently we’d remark on how sad they looked, or how bored, or how lethargic.

This time, I was more aware of their captivity than I ever had. I know it’s an inevitable compromise: for us to appreciate and understand the animals, and raise awareness about their likely endangerment, we need to put them within observable proximity of the general public. Mandai Zoo brings out the message of conservation pretty well, and for that I admire them. And I can tell how much the people there really care for the animals, and they try their best to reconstruct their natural habitat. But. Still.

The most striking thing I’ve brought back from this excursion are these images: the lone polar bear blinking at the sun, its back to the gawking crowd. The crazed wolverine who ran around in endless circles. The lioness’ resentful and haughty, but weary gaze.

It may be true that many of these animals were born into captivity, and it may be me attributing too much to these lazy creatures of leisure. But there’s just something pathetic about the artificiality and inadequacy of the enclosures. I can’t help thinking that they know, somehow, that they’re being deprived of something grand and vast and beautiful.

Maybe it’s because sometimes I get bouts of wilderness yearning, when my inner jungle girl longs to be in the great plains of Africa leaping about with deers, but it makes me wonder how animals so innately wild can stand being closed off if even a severely domesticated creature such as I – with endless entertainment – desire the wilderness.

Yeah it’s just very silly and everything I know.

June 11, 2013
On competition

If there’s one thing that completely eludes me (and will be my eventual downfall), it is the notion of competition. Or rather, the primal drive to compete with others.

While I’m indifferent about everyone else ripping at each other’s throats, it makes me reaaally uncomfortable when people assume I’m participating in their imaginary race.

All the way up to university days this hadn’t been an issue. 1. I’m lucky because most of my friends are not huge fans of intergroup competition, and 2. Declarations of competition are made explicit and twas easy to make clear your non-interest.

Competition surged in Uni (surprise surprise) – not just in regards to grades but all kinds of achievements academic to physical to social – and even those who don’t actively seek it find themselves dragged into it, and since they’re in the race they might as well run it. I’m the one grabbing at the bleachers screaming bloody murder whenever someone attempts to get me to run it too. NO JUST NO.

It began innocuously enough. Passive aggressive social media war cries bemoaning the fact that everyone is so competitive and how they’re gonna quit being nice and screw everyone over to survive. Um. Get this people: it’s a CHOICE. The race is a social construct and any risk of being run over by others comes only when you deliberately participate. But yeah I was merely amused and silently judging as a spectator.

Alright I don’t see anything fundamentally wrong about competing. In fact it’s really part of nature and I’m probably the freak here, but to me it’s a personal choice. And personally I just don’t believe in measuring your self against another given the bazillion biological and environmental variables there are. What’s the point of a comparison if it can never be fair? Even personal contentment varies vastly, so at the end of the day what ARE you competing over?

Maybe use others as a motivation or a point of reference – someone you keep up with to make sure you’re on the right track. But to define your self according to another? Um. I do my best because I want to do it, for myself, for the gains I might have in the future. Not so I’m better off than someone else. Quit making that your ultimate goal, people.

But I digress.

So, University. This is where we learn that appearing overtly competitive is a no-no (but you are anyway), and so came forth an annoying set of what I call the “I try to triumph you in what I think is an implicit but otherwise royally transparent way” method of interaction. I’ve been the subject to this a few times since school started and GOD it annoys me.

In a completely friendly conversation, we’d hit a topic touching on a source of competition. Popularity or grades or how damn hot you are or how sad your life story is wtv I don’t even understand humans and their concerns anymore. And they’d somehow dream up this huge chessboard of strategic mindgames, casting me as someone who had provoked some sort of comparison, and try to up me in what they believe is a subtle way of boasting.

Maybe to whoever it is, I’d be thinking the following:

Oh god you’re so smart and sociable halp I’m drowning in self-pity and inadequacy you’re so awesome and imagining me saying this gets you off you’re probably gonna jack off in utter smugness in your room right after this and it’s totally not sad or creepy because you’re so popular and smart despite your difficult past okbye.

What I’m actually thinking:

Ugh not again quit being so obvious please.

How do I tell you I don’t give a fuck in a polite manner?

Um your need to be validated is pathetic and I pity you.

Omg you’re so obvious you are an amateur at mindgames I’m laughing at you but you’re so annoying I’m laughing in pain.

The part that really gets to me about the whole charade is that I can’t tell them in their face to quit it and it really doesn’t affect me if they’re better than I am or whatever it is they’re trying to prove, because they’re trying so pathetically hard to make it implicit and I don’t want to shatter their little hearts.

Most of the time I just scale down whatever I do or have just so they can see me as unworthy of competition and move on already. This is also why avoid asking about grades unless it’s to a close friend out of genuine concern or as a polite reply to someone asking for mine.

Anyone who’s reading this who’d remotely projected me as someone who actually cares about comparison: I DON’T. IF YOU WOULD LIKE SOME SELF-GRATIFICATION JUST BOAST OUTRIGHT and I’ll congratulate you duly instead of undermining you because I truly don’t give a shit about competing with you.

Just stop doing that implicit mindgame crap because it’s laughably weak.

June 9, 2013