Q

one of my greatest dreams is to be a mother. pregnancy and childbirth terrifies me, but i do very much want to have a child. the past week has given me more exposure with young kids from one and a half to four, than i’ve ever had. the tiny things make you the happiest

when a child listens
when a child surprises you with his/her intelligence
when they ask you why your ‘trousers are broken’ in reference to ripped jeans
when they smooth small hands over wounds on your palm from falling that morning and say “boo boo?” with a look of genuine concern
their huge bellies
when they can’t help but laugh
when they snuggle up to you during rest time
when they run and crash into you for a hug with vigor only a child can have
when they just stare at you with immense depth of love and wonder
and when you smile back they tilt their heads and get really shy and smile back awww
tiny hands that curl into yours
when they babble to each other seriously
when they nudge their way into your lap

it’s only been a week but i can remember most of their names with the 5 classes i’ve helped with. usually i’m helpless with names. things you discover about yourself.

i’ve also found that i have very little disciplinary instincts, which is a fault. a definite fault. with children i’ve always been indulgent. i spoil them, let them not finish the food they don’t like, clean up after them, let them have their way when they’re being rude… i thought this would change when i actually had to take care of kids, but nope. i remain pandering and weak and unable to yell at them enough to obey. at most i’ll feebly warn them in an unconvincing voice. they know i love them too much to use force and climb all over me for that, haha.

i’m hopeless. 

another flaw of mine would be my obsessiveness and worrisome thoughts. i get really paranoid about any of them hurting themselves. even when they are squirming on my lap looking for sayang or cuddles, i can’t not worry about them knocking their heads on the floor or something. my job is tiring mostly because every second i spend watching them climb around the outdoor playground/indoor gym is a second off my life. my heart cannot take all that trauma.

one kid hit his head on the wooden gym beams but wailed it off within 10 minutes. on the other hand, i spent the night worrying about concussions and internal injuries and possible future consequences and vomiting or trauma etc etc. the amount of time i spent on webmd that day was astounding. 

yeah i’m gonna be one of those parents.

lesson of the week: i do love children, and would be fine with wiping butts and dispensing cuddles. but i’d fail when it comes to discipline and i’d get a heart attack every other day.