Q

“This can cause a subterranean anger to build inside the Nine’s psyche, which can erupt into consciousness in occasional fits of temper which quickly blow over, but which more often manifests itself in passive aggressive foot-dragging.”

Type 9 descriptions were the most spot-on with this aspect.

I’ve always known it about myself. On better days i see myself as conciliatory and harmony-seeking, on critical ones i recognize my fear of confrontation disguised as peacefulness. To be frank, i still consider my avoidance of conflict with others in positive terms. There is nothing i find more unnecessary than discord when things can always be resolved in quieter ways. I dislike chaos, noise, messy and effusive outpouring of emotions against each other.

What i don’t admit to are the problems associated to my faulty internal anger regulation mechanisms. It’s true that i refuse to face up to my anger – i tell myself that it’s difficult to jolt me into anger, that i seldom feel it towards others, that even if it does arise it diffuses. The truth is probably closer to what enneagram revealed: that i let it build until i can’t keep it in anymore.

I can’t even deny it because i’ve witnessed those outbursts. On most days placid, almost nothing can get a rise out of me. It festers and then an insignificant trigger can set me off. Yelling in the canteen and then hiding out in a corner in school until my friends spent half an hour coaxing me out, silent throwing of furniture and then five minutes later obediently putting everything back into place, shrieking in the park… it’s these maladaptive expressions of anger i need to correct.

And by correcting i don’t mean reign in – because reigning was exactly what formed these outbursts. I thought i was ‘in control’ when i stop myself from revealing anger in smaller doses. WELL i was wrong. Most of the time i wait until i’m alone to let them out in full, and it’s not a pretty sight.

Having lived this way for 21 years i find it difficult to operate in any other way. Allowing myself the privilege of anger when it’s due requires anger towards another. External conflict might come into play here, and i’m mortally afraid of it.

Try though, i will.