Q

one integral characteristic of mine that remains relatively hidden is my obsessiveness. to most i appear laid-back (i think), but that’s mostly because my obsessions don’t translate into productive action. in fact i think a lot of time, my passivity is a result of exhaustion just dealing with minor worries in everyday life.

so instead of acting on my problems, i spend most of my time squirreling away its knots and dents deep into my mind. when i was younger there weren’t enough significant problems to deal with, but as my problems start to take on long-term consequences at this age, they turn me into an inactive, stressed mess.

by nature i’m quite a happy person, but i’ve learnt that happiness doesn’t preclude stress – and i am almost always stressed. diagrammatically, i’d describe my default state as a smooth sheet of happiness, creased where there are waves of stress. increasingly, with age, stress has taken on a bigger role: the sheet is essentially crumpled.

because it’s such an automatic cognitive process – my tendency to latch on and aggressively deconstruct problems ceaselessly – it’s difficult to stop. i’d say unless i were distracted (by people, tasks, daydreaming), i’m stressing out.

it’s taking a toll on my health (quite badly) and my action plan to life, which is in itself worrying. except instead of doing something about it, i let the worry wash over my brain… worrying about worrying. there’s a desperate need to exert control over all aspects of my life, and the thought of doing (and possibly failing) paralyzes me.

for 2015 i want to make a conscious decision to just… relax. to just let go and do things. to be more fearless and not let the need to control control me. not sure how i’d get to doing this yet, but as always i believe that awareness is a decent first step towards change.

crossing fingers. x