Q

This semester has been nothing short of eventful.

For once since awhile, I feel not just content with the present and nostalgic for the past – but hopeful (and kinda excited tbh) about the future.

Things of significance from the past four months:

1. I now have clearer idea of what I want to do when I graduate, even if it’s nowhere near fixed. And most of all, I’m doing things towards this direction.
2. I want to create, perform, make art. This semester, for some reason (or maybe I subconsciously pursued it), so much of what I used to love doing came by as opportunities. (Ok these next time then say). While dozing off one day I had a vivid half-lucid dream (partly thanks to Spotify’s amazing ambiance playlist). In this half-dream was a dance sequence in which I had the most striking revelation that what I really want in my life right now is to find the self I want to know, and that to do that I need to create because that’s when I can most wholly express myself.
3. That… I may have misunderstood change. For so long I’ve struggled with keeping up with the me that has been since uni started. I catch myself being more thoughtful, quiet, even shy. (Friends may stop laughing at this point, tqvm.) There are aspects of this me I like – someone who is able to pause and control and reflect. But the side that was uninhibited and kinda weird and mostly insane, that was a me I missed and thought I’d lost. These days I find myself laughing a little more freely, not caring so much about what others think, and generally just losing my volume control. It makes me wonder if I’d gone quieter because of maturity, weariness, or because it was what I’ve been implicitly told to do by others. Because I don’t feel weary; and I’m slowly realizing that the new me does not need to replace the old one – they can co-exist perfectly well. Maybe I just need the right audience.
4. It amazes me that at the age of 22, best friends can still be found and made.
5. Between being a complete masochist and a hedonist, I’m learning to be less self-punishing, especially when it comes to academics. It occurred to me how narrow and pointless a path it is to have my grades take even one of the central stages in my life. There are things in life I want more than that. Empty roads just for me at 3am. Meiji milk at the top of the playground. Spending the whole morning in bed with my uke.

I said I wanna find myself again, and it’s actually working.