Q

I’ve had trouble sleeping recently AND IT’S TERRIFYING.

What started out as just simple insomnia from too much caffeine/late nights, became an obsessive worry about not getting enough sleep from the previous night and not being able to sleep the next.

It’s been on and off – some days i revert to Qing baby sleep cycles and can barely keep awake once i’m in bed. Others, my heart and brain race like the other ravaged their ancestral line. For someone who for most of her life has slept at 11 and clocked her 8 hours throughout uni, this is living hell.

The worry comes from my belief that a lot of what’s important to me: my skin, my general alertness, my energy, come from ample sleep. Take that away and what is left of me? Paradoxically, with the worry comes the inability to just let go and let sleep take over.

Sleep is the most natural thing of all – but once you consciously are aware of it, it doesn’t happen. Like someone pointing out that you blink and breathe and all at once you can’t help noticing that you’re doing all that and it becomes strange and unnatural.

Stupid as it is, it’s in my nature to be neurotic. So i perpetuate this cycle by thinking shit like WHAT IF THIS GOES ON FOREVER. OH SHIT I HAVE A FEELING I CAN’T SLEEP AGAIN AT NIGHT, etc etc. It’s endless.

Sometimes i feel myself nodding off, barely able to keep awake when i’m trying to stay up a little bit later. But once i’m ready and want to sleep, just having a milli-scrap of the thought: shit what if i can’t- anxiety floods through me. The effects are tangible: numb limbs and insane heart. Loud thoughts. It frightens me and that fear sends a new wave of anxiety and it continues from there.

I need to reframe my thinking.

So what if i miss a night of sleep? It happens to everyone. The sleep debt would be paid eventually.

I don’t NEED to sleep at a certain time, or even at night. I can just sleep when i’m sleepy and am ready for it. There’s always the choice of a daytime nap. If i can’t sleep, i can just get up and do whatever.

The human body will eventually crash when it needs sleep. I don’t ever have to worry not being able to sleep because it’ll find a way to shut my brain down when it needs to.

I literally cannot control my sleep consciously. So there is no fucking point in worrying. I just need to stop giving a shit.

It will eventually readjust itself.

Things will go back to before, i just have to give it time.

It’ll be alright.