Q

Dear Cel,

It’s been a week since you’ve entered the convent, less than 2 months since you told me you might become a nun in Spain, a decade of being BFFs, and 16 years since we first met in class.

I hope you understand my inconsistent and sometimes distant responses to your decision. On one hand, i’m so happy for you. To see your friend discover – with such certainty – what they truly want in life, is an absolute joy. It’s easy to be infected by the peace and contentment so evident in your being when we do meet – it’s easy to express the parts of me that’s rejoicing with you about your upcoming nun-hood.

On the other hand. I’m still waiting for the realization to sink in. Qing’s stages of grief can be simplified to four phases: awkward coping with humor > i am gonna become a robot and distance myself all my feelings > the world comes crashing down > i am completely chill now. At this point we’re somewhere smack in the middle of awkward humor: our group chats are awash with nun jibes, we deliberately miss the point and poke at the most irrelevant points to avoid the huge elephant that is your eventual departure.

At this point, i’m coming to terms with the fact that i can (and will always) have conflicting emotions about this. Firstly, you’re in love! For years i’ve dreamed of you finding The One – me interrogating him and intimidating him and all of us having family BBQs and playing boardgames together or whatever. You have found The One, but in typical Mugs style, we just refuse to lead a life in the normative route. He just has to be a spiritual messiah. Trust you to ruin my plans of BBQs and boardgames like that.

I’m just kidding. That was the awkward humor surfacing. What really mattered, although i’ve not had a reason to think this previously, is that you are truly in love and are truly loved; that you’ll be happy and complete in your marriage. You are, and i would rather this than you settling for anyone who’s not your true love, just to complete my BBQ plans in the physical plane.

Yet you’ll also be gone. There won’t be Whatsapp, emails, Skype. All my projections of the future – you a weepy mess at my wedding; being an annoyingly enthusiastic auntie at my first childbirth; playing D&D as 80 year old grandmas together – have to be readjusted. Those are the toughest moments for me. A friendship i’ve taken for granted so simply plucked out of my life.

(Just so you know i’ve devised alternate plans for that. I’ll be printing a cardboard cut-out of you as a stand-in bridesmaid at my wedding.)

That this is your choice makes it both harder and a relief. At times i feel betrayed. That you’ve gone all hoes over bros and decided to leave all of us behind to pursue your true love. I’m not gonna pangseh the mugs for any dude, and i know this because i’ve gone head-to-head with a love who continuously threatened our friendships. But i have to accept that your love is transcendent, your partner is admittedly above everything else in your life. It’s all pretty difficult to swallow but i’m trying.

Despite that, it’s a relief to know that you’re alive, you’re in great joy, and that we’ll part still as BFFs and hold each other in our hearts all that cheesy crap, you know.

I’m here because writing is how i cope best.

This will be a log of me coming to terms with your leaving. And to immortalize the years and years of memories i have of you, with you. From when you were a 木头人 to (all my credit) the beautiful human being you are today underneath that immovable block of wood.

Cel, you still have a few months left with internet. Or simply contact with us in your previous life. So i’m gonna lay it all our here while i still have the chance.

Love,
Qing