Q

when i look back at just a year or two ago, i’m surprised at how much i’ve grown. not changed – but grown. change i’ve had plenty of experience with.

and i’m proud of myself.

from someone who always thought of herself as ‘unambitious’, content to do whatever job she’s assigned well and sign off for the day; to this, today, someone who loves the hat she accidentally fell into. off work, i find myself consuming podcasts, articles, and (finally) non-fiction. i no longer feel the itch to pop open social media to numb my mind. i feel fulfilled, but no longer content. everyday i want to learn more, be more.

i found someone who enables and challenges me in all the right ways. someone who doesn’t force me to grow up because of circumstances, but encourages me to do so by example. where i was once consumed by ideals of possessive, all-encompassing, centre-of-my-world type relationships, i’ve been shown how to put myself front and centre. to be grounded, to balance, and then to love.

but one evening, inexplicably, i felt disgusted by how impatient i’ve become. how i’m quick to judge, quick to be annoyed by strangers. i’ve become so blind to the fact that everyone lives their own lives with their struggles and frustrations. why am i so desensitized to the pains of others, sometimes even my friends. why is my first reaction to think the worst of strangers based on their singular action. and most of all, schadenfreude.

in my impatience with others, i’d think “haha orbiquek” when they’re inconvenienced after inconveniencing me. and it disgusts me to even have these thoughts. that is has become my instinct to have them.

NPR’s Hidden Brain podcast on envy perfectly encapsulated the type of person who would have schadenfreude. It is the one emotion we surpress, never revealing them to others because it’s simply not socially appropriate to express joy at another’s misfortune. Beyond that, to admit that you’re glad of another’s misfortune shows that you harbored feelings of envy to begin with, and by admitting that you’re admitting to feeling inferior, to wanting what you don’t have.

for the past weeks i’ve been trying my hardest to stem negative thoughts. the judgement that has come so naturally to me. the temptation to gossip and speak with ill intent. i’m still selfish – i’m doing it not so much to benefit others as it is for my self. because it feels so much better to not be saturated with negative thoughts and judgements of others, because i can look at myself and respect the person i am. still in the works, but i’ll keep going.