Watched The Danish Girl for the first time. It was beautiful and haunting. While most would be captured by Einar, I identified most with Gerda. To me, the protagonist of the show – the one whose emotional journey I followed most closely – was her.
Maybe it’s because I can never understand what it’s like to be Einar, to feel like a man or woman in the other’s body. It was strikingly poignant when she said “This is not my body” with all the conviction she had. I tried very hard to picture myself in a man’s body, as a female. But I came up empty, emotionally. I’d imagine I’ll be gay, but be alright performing maleness. I don’t know.
But Gerda, oh Gerda. I feel every pain and love you did. The love you have for a man, who is slowly becoming something else much more important than you. To have him slowly disappear, so slow that you still have hope he’d stay, that he’s still there.
I can even relate to the support Gerda provides him right at the start, as Einar first explores his self as Lili. I can imagine myself giving in, inch by inch, to his whims. I want him to be happy, and even if it’s unconventional, I’ll do what it takes for him to be him. And I’ll slowly fester in my own unfulfilled needs. Of losing someone.
But at the end of the day I’ll let go too, like Gerda. With as much pain, and still as much love as she had. I found Gerda so courageous. I know that what Lili went through was tough, she was born a man but chose the difficult path to become a woman because she can’t help it. But just like Lili, Gerda wholeheartedly loves Einar, even Lili, that she chose the difficult path to keep loving her. She can’t help it.
I know people who love so deeply that it doesn’t matter what gender their partner is or becomes. They just love them for who they are. I don’t think I can do that. I’ve never felt attracted to a woman and even if I were to love my partner if he transitions, it would not be a sexual kind of love. Of course, I wouldn’t know until it happens.
In the mean time I’ll avoid suggesting H wear any of my dresses.
Q 