At age 7, in the back of a school bus, I asked my Indian classmate “Do you know what an ah-bu-neh-neh is?” She blinked blankly back at me, an uncomfortable tension set in her jaw I was too young to decipher.
In response to her terse silence, I helpfully pointed at a sleek, black sedan visible through the droppings-splattered rear window. “There! Ah bu neh neh means you’re black like this car!”
Not a year later, I learnt that this isn’t something I should have said to her. Years later I learnt it’s because I could have – probably did – hurt her feelings.
Will I ever do this again? Never.
I was a child who didn’t know any better. Children are quick to notice differences and address them. Children pick up terms they hear from adults around us. Children want to share what they know. I didn’t mean to hurt, or harm, merely inform. But children also realize and learn.
And that’s the crux of it, isn’t it? We learn and acknowledge and be better, or try to be.
I knew I was innocent in my childish intent to share. But intention does not matter. How I said it does not matter. What I said does not matter. What matters is the fact of how it made her feel: bad.
So it is ludicrous for anyone to deem themselves able to know, dictate, and insist on how another is feeling. If 7 year old me had been told that my words had unintentionally hurt someone, would I say “No, she is not hurt.” “No, she cannot be hurt because I didn’t mean to hurt.”
Probably not, because we develop mental representations by 24 months.
Speaking of Piaget, maybe Vygotsky’s work can explain why some never develop to the cognitive stage they are expected to. Because of socio-cultural modelling. By family, by authority figures, by – dare I say – the authorities?
Came across some heartbreaking news about someone I hold with great respect, and has shown me nothing but genuine kindness. It is shit that speaking the truth can mean persecution, but we cannot forget that Kuo Pao Kun was thrown into jail for years before being granted the Cultural Medallion.
Q 