How did we get from not wanting a wedding ceremony…
To having three celebrations, in two countries?
I need to get around to recording these memories in earnest — once I have the official photos ready!
Category: Important Events
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Dearest Q of many years past;
If only I can reach back to your times of most impatient loneliness and loneliest impatience. If only I can give you a hint that – as you rightly and defiantly believe – you do meet the one you have dreamt up ages ago and continue dreaming of.
All the times you feel unmoored: like life is moving forward but you merely floating, seeking a somewhere intangible and undefined. All the times you feel unknown to others. A profound aloneness. All the times you wonder what you must do to find or conjure this somewhere, something, or someone.
Is it dogged persistance? Hard work? Something about yourself to be changed or learnt?
No, Qing, you simply have to wait, intolerable as it is. Until your lives – floating, but towards each other – meet. Buoy to anchor.
One day, soon, he will be your universe. One day, you will write your vows to him and they will be the most truthful words you’ve spoken. One day, he will mean more to you than you do to yourself, a detachment of the ego and an attachment to love as you have always wanted.
He is a much gentler, kinder soul than you are, the sort you long to be. Good news! He brings a softness to your stubborn, prideful spirit, and you will want to be more and better for him; for what you bring into the world with him.
Dearest young baby Qing, there is one last piece of news I would bring you, if I could. You may not believe me, but hear it anyway: He loves you just as much as you do him. If you have ever feared your capacity to love (and you have!) … don’t. He has just as much to give, and wants all you have to offer.
Love you so, so much, you in 2024
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be good
Be kind. Be slow to anger. Precede judgement with understanding. Don’t second guess your instinct to help.
Be generous. Share all the good that comes your way, even with acquaintances, even with strangers. Be genuine. Listen not to reply but to empathize. Connect with new people.
Be open! To all things new and challenging. Accept failure and chase after it. Embrace the difficult bits of life. Enjoy the mundane and seek meaning in the grind.
And let go of fear: fear of reaching out, fear of speaking up. Forget about how others see you – do what is right by yourself.
Live your best life!
#reminderstoself
#Qing2019andbeyond
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Bangkok 2018
I have started the habit of journaling my days in obsessive detail, this time in a private diary, and it has been wonderful. I remember the exact days where I had a dizzy spell; the one funny thing Hanshen said that made me almost wet my pants laughing; the dishes we ordered at that cafe in BKK that’s bound to come in handy someday.
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Hi Cel, I find myself missing you a lot recently. In your most recent email you said you think about me often, almost every day. I think about our childhood, the funny things we did or said, how innocent and simple those times were. I think about how much we grew together, the nights we spent talking our self-discoveries, our struggles, our hopes – always ending with a routine round of appreciation that we have each other; this friendship.
We went to BKK last week – Xin, Rei, Beni, Becks and I. You might have been on this trip too, if you were around. It was as fun as you’d imagine it to be. I will write about it to you soon. Xin planned it, and as you would guess, it ended up with us going to many un-explored hipster areas and cafes. I’m so glad we did: it was a side of BKK I haven’t seen before. The local artist scene is so vibrant, so organic, that I’m beyond inspired!
And of course, going with decade long friends who love you but will also easily kill you, is an experience in itself.
Opening the door at midnight to Becky and Xin’s ridiculous poses after their Rod Fai trip. Having amazing toasts for breakfast. Traipsing the vintage section of Chatuchak, the streets of Chinatown. Finding a giant pink squid sculpture to take our group photos – hangry beyond words behind our smiles. Hyping up garlic toasts and dealing with Beck’s cynicism with our hypes. Xin chasing down a cab two blocks because she left her tote in it. Many, many cafes. Many, many OOTDs. Mornings and nights spent laughing with Becky about this and that, while in the next room a meltdown ensues over luggage space. Our last day, heroically saved by Baby Driver.
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Hi C, I’ve graduated!
Dear C,
Two days ago, I officially graduated! Half a year late but here nonetheless.
What I hoped to be a snappy affair – ceremony, photos with family, go home – turned out a futile dream. And I’m glad for that. :-)
Here are our friends turning up with a blaze of insanity. I’m eternally grateful for their love, although heavily guised by sarcasm, throughout my years of college. B hiding snacks under my bed, V praying through all my hard times, and everyone’s immediate and intense WhatsApp responses whenever another’s in need. Did not expect this horde to show up with their busy schedule, but they did and I can’t be more grateful. :’-)
I’m thankful also that the awkwardness of formal events was diffused by their sheer craziness. As V said, I don’t know what I’ll do without these people who’d do the most socially inappropriate things with me in public.
C, your absence and presence was both with us all that day.
If you were there you would have flounced towards me, flapping your arms in glee. You would have, with your maternal warble, went “OH QING, I’M SO PROUD OF YOU!~” You would have given the affectionate and all-encompassing hug typical of a semi-inebriated aunt with a flair for dramatics. And wrap all this up with a quip (about growing up, about achievements, about friendships) that would have us all rolling our eyes in mock annoyance.
But you were there, simply because we knew so well how you would have been. You were there because all the crazies who came down that day carried a bit of you, and your madness, and love, and mad love for them through the years. Like horcruxes of your soul.
C, you would also gush endlessly about how I’m finally being taken care of properly. You confessed to have silently worried about this for the past years. Know that I’m in good hands now, as I know you are.
I would wish you were here, but in a way, you already are.
Missing you!
Q xox
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resolutions 2.0
It is our 1st anniversary today and i don’t think you remember.
christmas, new year’s eve, my birthday, it has so far been disappointing. so i have prepared myself in advance, pep-talked myself into believing that i don’t mind if you forgot – that i want you to forget. So that my gift of labor to you is all the more precious in its guilt-inducing asymmetry, because i’m messed up like that. i hold guilt like power.
all the preparation, but last night i woke up at 4am and couldn’t go back to sleep. i cried because i knew you’ve forgotten, before the day’s begun. i cried because i couldn’t make myself not care.
but this is self-destructive, i’ve decided that year 2 with you will be defined by these resolutions:
I won’t put you as the center of my life anymore, the disparity is too huge. You obviously care for me, but the positioning of you and me in each other’s universes is too disparate.
- I won’t plan to spend every spare moment i have (off-days, free nights) with you. In fact, i will stop asking you whether we can study together (unless i really need/want to).
- I will choose to spend time with friends/family if given the choice, over you. I will.
- I won’t agree to every thing you propose, if i don’t feel like it. If i’m sleepy, tired, busy, have other things to do – i will say no
QING, please. Come back to these rules you’ve set yourself, alright?
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#FOODPORN wrap up
A year ago, we decided to do what we love, with people we love. A year ago, Chop Chilli Chop came into being. We spent the past 12 months meeting periodically, drafting and re-drafting, conceptualizing and editing. We have spent hours and hours – hogging cafe seats – standing over huge sheets of paper, poring over battle plans. Two weeks ago we started rehearsing intensely, putting what we have thought through in great detail to execution.
Every day we left the rehearsal space with a new play learnt. It has been quite an adventure, but I would not have enjoyed myself so thoroughly with anything less. I love the rush of re-jigging the entire play one day before show, fuelled by caffeine and the dopamine of inadequate sleep. I love pushing through, the adrenaline of facing unknowns and free-falling.
I am both so, so proud of ourselves; and incredibly humbled by this experience. I’m proud of the effort we have put into every little detail, every action and movement, every prop, every moment. I’m proud of us having the guts to pull off this three-(wo)man project. But i’m humbled because without our audience members, this could not have been possible. Thank you for coming to watch us with open hearts and minds.
And to our bestests, our constants, thank you for having our back. We can always count on you for your undying support, no matter how bizarre (or messy) our endeavours. From FOH-ing, coming down to give great advice, helping to clean up after – you girls are my greatest inspiration and motivation.
To the #FOODPORN crew – eloquent as i am, my gratitude is inexpressible with mere words. You guys have taught me so much: most of all that people should be brave and do what they love, no matter the cost.
To my most beloved #ChopChilliChop. We have come so far. Three tiny girls with the need to reach out and say something, in the way we best know how to. And we did it. :-) All the hilarious moments, all the intense breakdowns (together and at each other), through it all i knew i could trust y’all 100%. Creating work with your best friends is a huge privilege, and i’ll never stop being thankful for this.
And also to Hans, my rock through it all. For being the one person i think of in the breath i take right before stepping on stage. For being a silent but useful human being backstage, for sitting through our shambolic rehearsals, and for still being around after hearing my horrigible singing. <3
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QTfoodporn BTS 1.0
Prepwork for #chopchillichop has been rolling~
This is all relatively new to us: the marketing, the photoshoots, the filming. We were a stripped down, roll-on-the-ground bunch of theatre kids way back then. Transience was bare marketing (we roped in a friend to take photos of us sitting on wooden chairs, had NO idea what we were doing). Oh, and we wore white potato sacks for the performance.
This time, we’re still bumbling around blind as much as usual. But we’re thinking and making plans, and being GRAND with these plans. So, so much thanks to friends who’ve volunteered their services because if left to our own devices, Xin, Ting and Qing would have burned down a building and destroyed a bunch of rented equipment.
Raw BTS shots for our marketing material. You won’t see this in the final products, but basically the shenanigans we were up to. Had to plastic-proof the entire place – the foodie mess after was quite a horror show. If you watch Dexter, it was basically a Dexter massacre… with food.
Beautiful lighting courtesy of lighting director JH. Photo quality credits to Hanshen…’s camera.
Not everything worked out, though. Happy as we look it was pretty damn disgusting having melted watery whipped cream down your bra.
18/6 – FILMING!
Filmed our key videos for the play. YES, there will be film as part of our live performance, with Jem de incredibly talented videographer doing our post-prod editting/concept.
SO THIS HAPPENED. The full damage. Please be around friends, to watch me gorge myself in full make-up. Basically my childhood dream come true?
Weirdest part is that i was filmed while eating. That MukBhang is a thing is very, very strange yet i can fully understand the appeal of watching such videos. Never thought i’d one day attempt to MAKE such a video.
Can’t for y’all to see the final product!!!
Oh dear i’m getting hungry looking at this. HOW AM I NOT TURNED OFF BY FOOD STILL?
We’re only halfway through this journey and i’m already feeling overwhelmed by all the love and support so many people (who are in no way obliged to) have given us. We’ll work hard to give our very best to you guys. <3 Thank you all for bearing with our weird projects.
We secretly think this performance is just an excuse for us to do shambolic things we’ve always wanted to but couldn’t bc of social graces.
#QTFOODPORN IN 2+ MONTHS!!!
Q 