Q

Category: The Friends

42 DC, #2: Save 5 People

2. The world is ending, and you can save one group of five people: who would be the five people that you save?

Oh my god. Why can’t I just be Noah and take two of each kind of people!?

UHHHH I guess it depends on whether this group of 5 would be the ONLY ones (including me) saved in the world, because that determines if I’d be saving them for myself or for the continuity of mankind.

Ok what bullshit, if the world were ending like hell I’d be thinking about continuing mankind lol.

Much as I want to I probably wouldn’t save my grandma or most of my family, because they’re old and I’d rather spare them a few years of agony in a post-apocalyptic world.

I also wouldn’t save most of my Catholic/Christian friends because I think they would want to ascend to heaven when the time comes.

The first person I can think of is Rei-En, because practically she is EXTREMELY useful in such a scenario, given her lack of nehneh-ness and somewhat present survival skills. The main reason, though, is that she would thoroughly enjoy living out an end-of-the-world adventure.

The next two people I would save would be Becky and Gloria, again because I think they are the most resourceful and hardy in an apocalyptic situation. Gloria is there because of her leadership skills, indomitable spirit, and her ability to herd the most difficult of us.

However, I cannot trust Gloria to not eat us if it is inevitable, so Becky – with her enormous moral conscience and also her Taekwondo black-belt skills – will defend us if need be. Becky is also incredibly smart so she definitely value-adds to the team.

Just for balance I’m adding in two of the male species who are a) unlikely to devour us within 48 hours of starvation and b) are possible candidates for procreation. So for practical purposes, Jyuen – Gloria’s boyfriend, and Justin. This is to ensure that if the task of reproducing DOES fall on us, at least we don’t have to do it with complete strangers (EUGH!).

Since Jyuen was an athlete and went through NS, I trust that he would be adequately fit and have some combat skills + he would keep G’s fits in check (this is actually the biggest factor). Justin is armed with – I guess – plethora of geeky apocalyptic/disaster-control/survival knowledge garnered from hours of video games. Also he can go through long hours of starvation, again a skill gained from voracious bouts of gaming.

Ok turns out I am pretty practical after all. Although tbh a lot of this is still based on how reassuring the company would be for me alone without compromising on my survival. If I wanted just companionship and entertainment, THIS LIST WOULD BE IMPOSSIBLE. I’d want Gerbil, Cel, Xin, Debbie, Amanda – but I know this could only spell disaster. I’m imagining Celine stopping to marvel at the sunset and Beni getting all pissed off with her, Xin or Debbie being upset that they had to leave all her nice clothes behind, and Amanda being heroic but tripping over something and falling off an abandoned building, etc…

So, I’m sorry guys. The final list consists of Rei, Becky, Gloria and her boyfriend, and Justin. The rest of you dies.

January 3, 2014
Give Thanks 2013

This year, I’m grateful for many, many things. :-)

My OG, Rhordonna, made up of really the people i’d most want to be with for the rest of my University life. I entered Uni with no expectations of making any very close friends, because I figured most of them are the ones I already have. Not sure why I got so lucky, but somehow everyone in my OG turned out to be lovely – people i’d have loved to know as friends even without the context of uni camps. Truly feel very VERY blessed, with small things like sporadic study sessions, meals, and outings with them. It’s amazing how I can count on you guys not only for a fun time but also for personal/school-related problems. THANK YOU GUYS SO MUCH :’-) 真的很幸运和你们有缘份。这么老了还能遇到好朋友！

For the people who make an effort to be in my life even when miles and miles away. I miss you guys, but am always thankful that we are still the best of friends – despite the distance, despite the time zone. For always (unintentionally) making my day that much better with all your silly antics and general nonsense. Love you guys always, and thankful for the fact that we somehow ended up part of each other’s lives.

One of the things I am MOST grateful for this year, though I probably didn’t show it enough: brief but meaningful reunions with faraway friends. While it’ll be great to have more time to spend with these favorite people of mine, but there’s beauty in its brevity too! Makes it that much more precious and appreciated. Only thing we are missing here are the rest of the faraway mugs! Xin, Cath, come back to me!

Giving thanks for new friends made this semester! UAR2207 invades Yogyakarta! Without this trip I would’ve liked you guys, from the fun we have in class – but this trip made me love all of you!!! Seriously I cannot think of a better bunch to go with! All lovers of the zen, idyllic lifestyle, but also ready for intense shopping + food raids! Loved the crazy evenings we spent laughing over everything, and that I got to share the beauty of Wayang and Yogya with you guys. Really, really amazing companions who made the trip extra special for me.

Besides new friends, I’m so, so glad for the meet ups with old friends. Friends who’ve been there since we were still young and stupid (we still kinda are that – just not so young anymore). So glad that you guys, despite army and school, still make an effort to catch up! These reunions keep me going. Also makes me super happy to see my friends doing well where ever they are, and how much they’ve accomplished! AND HAPPY ORD FRIENDS!

Thank you for keeping me young at heart, for reminding me that the happiness we had as kids don’t need to be loss, that we can easily go back to those times when we meet each other! Love <3

Photo credits: Jessica

And also to friends who’ve grown so much, and made me so proud with their various achievements! 10A16 and our support for each other during one of the most stressful periods of my life, I’ll never forget you guys: all the intense happiness/ laughter/ stress/ drama we’ve gone through together. Like I’ve said before, I might not have been very happy with being in HC, but HONESTLY on hindsight I think A16 was HC’s redeeming factor. If I had to do it all over again I’d come back just for you guys.

Thankful for simple joys under the sun with some of my favorite girls!

And to my oldest, closest, bestest, and dearest. I know you guys will always be there for me, and I’m so thankful for that, every single day of my life.

And of course, I’d always (no matter how things turn out), be thankful for J. For making me a better person, for teaching me how to love myself and others. Love you and thank you for everything and for being in my life!

Also very grateful for my parents, who each in their own way try their best to make me as happy as possible, and their willingness to go through great inconveniences just so I can be comfortable. And my grandma for her unconditional love for me that no one can match, ever.

And lastly to myself for keeping a very positive outlook on life this semester! Very zen, no stress, focussed on learning and enjoying learning. Appreciated all the little joys here and there, and spent time with people I like very much!

THANK YOU 2013!!! :-)

December 1, 2013
R4 YESSAH !

Arts Camp 2013. Although this time round i didn’t get the freshie experience, it was nothing less than amazing and i’m so, so thankful for that (and to everyone who made it so).

I remember the culture shock i got in 2012, entering a place where everyone screamed unabashedly about their wriggling snakes and making babies with each other. But upon induction you realize this is the only time you can be completely crude, have fun with it for some reason probably related to Freud’s theories of repression, and get away with it (with a prize if you do it enthusiastically enough).

That about sums up what i love about Arts Camp. It’s a place where you don’t get judged, where everyone just loves each other, stripped from the every day inhibitions and wariness and social distance.

That said, I hope all that loving loveliness with all the people old and new i’ve met in AC2013 carries on after camp. Can’t wait for O Week~~~! (Although I can wait for start of school oh god T.T the dread.)

June 23, 2013
18 days late

I’m 18 days late, but what does it matter.. unless i’m talking about my period which i’m not, so –

anyway.

where was i? right, thanksgiving.

this year, i feel, was a little more difficult than before. generally because it’s a year of fundamental changes of both the good and bad variety. but sorting them out in my head kind of helped me feel a little better about everything. in a way, the things i’m grateful for this year has ceased to be events-based.. they’re more of a deeper appreciation of what i’ve always had that was made apparent only by the less pleasant changes.

1.

first and foremost, i’ll have to give thanks for cathy and xin and gee. i don’t know why humans function this way, and why we – despite being conscious of it – cannot help but commit it over and over again: we never appreciate things fully until they’re not within reach. i’ve always appreciated them three, and with the constant feed on whatsapp i’d never feel distant from them, but i do miss the comfort and familiarity of their material presence. it’s a little strange to be giving thanks for friends being away from you, but here i am doing it.

i’m thankful that they are away, for awhile, because a) i know that it’s good for them, and they’ll love their time there b) it gives me a certain sort of joy to know that no matter how far away they are or how long it will be until i see them, we still love each other the same way we always have c) it makes me realize just how much i need/needed them in my life.

this christmas, i’m thankful that cathleen will be back with us. i’m thankful for gee and xin who will be having a real. white. angmoh. christmas, even though i can’t spend it with them. and i’m thankful for this gap, so that subsequent christmases with them around will be especially beautiful.

2.

i’m thankful for friends, all of them.

for acquaintances new and old – people i’ve only met a couple of months sending emails to make sure i’m coping well, old friends ringing me up to ask how i am, even getting to be in the same campus as primary school friends again (that part is amazing because i love all the nuts from OLN).

and then for the close friends who are always, always there. the mugs, the hwachong girls, the st. nicks bunch, the cap kids, and that few random ones i love so bloody much…it’s an absolute blessing to have even a couple of friends you can fully trust, be at ease with, and have superb fun with. and then here i am with a whole bunch of them. mostly it makes me feel guilty, because in my neurotic moments i’m reluctant to relinquish some time for them they duly deserve from me. but that comes the second part of this thanksgiving:

i’m very, very grateful for POST. EXAMS. where my need to meet EVERYONE i miss skyrocketed and i’m doing nothing but saying YES YES YES to all meet ups i love all of you.

hi, i really do. no matter which friend you are reading this just know that you are ver ver precious to me and thank you very much i mean that so sincerely you are beautiful xx thank you.

3.

for Transience and for Chasing Yesterday.

i’ve been itching for some theater after the stagnant jc days and then boom: Transience, i’m guessing one of the most magical theater experiences i’ll ever have. no, make it one of the most magical experiences i’ll ever have in MY. LIFE. it’s not just about performing. Transience was about creating something i love with people i love – and God i am so terribly, painfully in love with it and thankful that it happened.

by extension i’ll have to thank cleo and gee for coming up with this whack job idea and infecting us with faith that it’ll work (it did. so well.)

Chasing Yesterday was my first time with the conventional scripted/directed thing – after having gone scriptless, improvisational and self-directed all these years. I’m grateful because a) it taught me SO MUCH NEW STUFF!?! b) the people i worked with? i respect a lot, for their skillz and attitude. c) it kept me occupied – which yes i whine a lot about – but somewhere deep down i know i secretly love being caught up and busy and stressed. i’m just like that.

4.

i’m grateful for my room in Cinnamon.

i’ve come to love it’s quiet and how it smells like me.

today morning i stood in the bare room and the echoic sounds made in that sparse space made me a little sad, but it’s okay because next semester i’ll be back~

5.

even though my family isn’t as close as before, i’m grateful for them individually. for wherever they’ve failed, they never fail to love me. i can’t help it man, i’m like the treasure of the family. it’s like all their energy and love is directed towards me and no matter how much they cross each other, it is never towards me. k now you know where my narcissism derives from – it’s from the unconditional positive regard (read: Rogers) i receive from my parents, my grandma (who can i add is madly in love with me), and my sister who baked chocolate chip muffins and delivered them all the way to my place during my exam period. and it’s not just them, it’s my aunts who constantly make sure my every need and want is satisfied, worrying about me even at their busiest. k i need to stop now because i’m nauseating myself with equal amounts of pithy and self-regard.

i’m thankful for a family where everyone gives me unconditional love. thassal for now.

6.

since i’m now in mode: narcissism, i might as well say this:

i’m thankful for my talents. or at least my discovery of them this year. although i can’t seem to write anymore (still upset), boredom drove me to experiment with a variety of skills i’ve never bothered to try before. photocopying, for one. i can’t really call it art because all i’m doing is replicating faces, but ok if i stick with it i’ll be able to create greater things one day.. i hope.

amanda and i were briefly discussing talent the other day, and we concluded that everyone has the innate ability to do things well. many times we just don’t realize it because we either presuppose we aren’t inclined to excel, and by extension do not try at all. my theory is that if you go into it thinking you WILL do it and do it well (until proven wrong), you’d be able to produce something good.

7.

and for justin. frankly i think both of us started out not having much expectations but without realizing it we grew a lot as not just a couple but as friends. i’m thankful for finally being able to understand what they mean by having your best friend as your loverzx as well. and i’m ver grateful that it’s him i can share it with.

because i am shy and before the risk of having this entire space melting into a maudlin mess, i’ll stop.

thank you for 2012. if the world ends by the end of it, i think i’m alright with that.

December 10, 2012
43

After weeks of scarfing down chocolates and monitoring and making sure i eat a monstrous amount everyday: 43kg.

Still counting every pound, still preoccupied with getting enough in, still worried i’d either lose again or put on waaay too much. LIFE WHY YOU SO TOUGH. But then again, yay this is a great place to be.

Thank you: friends. Beni and Rei and Celine for stocking up my food supply all the time.

Also now i can quit being so preoccupied with getting food in, a happy relief because

a) money spent on food amounts up to a scary considerable sum, boo.

b) i don’t like force feeding myself. at all.

c) it becomes a preoccupation i don’t think i can handle like a reverse eating disorder thing.

d) i haven’t done any form of exercise in ever and tbch i feel gross. and sleepy a lot.

In other news:

*~D&D SUNDAY~*

Which was basically Justin being a serious and efficient dungeon master, and everyone else trolling around as usual.

We actually. managed. to:

a) NOT KILL/VERBALLY ABUSE DUNGEON MASTER. As we did to Celine in our first attempt. I’m not sure if she has yet recovered from the trauma.

b) MANAGED TO GET DECENT CHARACTERS OUT. Despite Rei’s shitty stats lol KARMAAAA. Although the decency does Not extend to coherent names. Everyone has ridiculous names i can’t take anyone seriously anymore. (Shien: SHO KIM UN, half-Korean, half-elf Barbarian. Ridic.)

c) Not have the DM kill us all before the game begins – a very tempting thing to do, given the general annoying disposition of our group. I love that boy sm he has overcome the hell that is us.

And then the dungeon party degenerated to a few of us, and when there’s nothing to do:

ICE-CREAM @ The Daily Scoop / SHEREENIPOO

And later trekking over to SMU to find Shreeeen WHICH IS AN AMAZING ADVENTURE FOR REI AND I because we have not been in town for too long the poor deprived U-Town syndrome aw.

Seeing Shereen was great.. but in context, kind of heartpainheartpain. I hate seeing my friends all exhausted, stressed out, and not able to see them regularly despite that…… it kind of sucks? :’-(

Yes, yes it’s a week to finals but ah heck. EVERYBAHDY DESERVES A BREAK.

It was good though… sometimes i forget how at ease and how liberating it is to be with the mugs. My brain hurt a little from all the noise and general chaos they made because i wasn’t used to it, but it was a good kind of hurt. Like when you preggers and childbirth: a pain that comes with love (and blood and shrieking) (what a brilliant analogy).

Also YES if you’re here on account of my recent Facebook page i have nabbed myself a pseudo-caucasian boy as i always promised i would it’s been awhile already and yes i ams veh happy gurl and gross blabla. Thank you to friends who texted me to express effusively their well-wishes and (mostly) amusement.

…

I love my friends i really do AND ALSO ALL THOSE I HAVEN’T BEEN ABLE TO MEET UP WITH IMY please come UTown visit me!~

FINALS?

WHAT FINALS?

November 19, 2012
I AM COOKIE MONSTER.

1.

It is World Book Week and on a very appropriate note, my Amelie Nothombs from Book Depository’s arrived~ Except they’re posted to my home. My mom was gonna deliver them over today but got caught up with work last minute so i’d have to wait. But srsly. I must have whined about them unknowingly for quite awhile because my parents and sister all texted me to let me know my books have been delivered at different times and i every time i get the text i hyperventilate a little more.

I’m such a lit fan girl it’s disgusting.

2.

The weeks pass so damn quickly i can scarcely believe it.

I’m slighhhtly losing steam on the academic front, but because i was so organized and productive in the first couple of weeks, i think taking awhile off is fine. I was surprisingly calm about being underprepared for Stats mid-terms just now (copying out my cheat sheet 20 minutes before my classes trololol).

One thing. I keep hearing people complaining about the mad competition in university. I don’t get it.

Competition only exists in one’s one mind. It’s a perceptual construct. It exists only when you imagine it to be there, thereby conceding your participation. See, there is no way you can be part of a competition if you didn’t sign up for it.

So i say to heck with competition! Especially if you don’t like it. I understand that some people thrive in it, that they use it as positive motivation. But if you personally are upset with all the ‘competition around’, then just.. stop. Stop looking at everyone as competitors. They’re working hard because they want to do well, they probably don’t even care or know who you are.

I’m a huge advocate of working because you want what you’re working for. Working in comparison to others just never seemed like a proper motivation for me.

3.

MAF with all my lovely friends that i miss so much and Ms How and Ms How’s qt nephew! We found the treasure trove of hot chinese tea, pomelo and magical snow skin mooncake in the hall! They gave them out FREE FLOW and we were all like BLASPHEMY how could we not have known this in the past two years, instead buying overpriced chicken wings from the councillors! It’s a pity i don’t like mooncake, but the tea was good~ So was the company. <3

4.

Sick of hall food, sneaking out to get pricey nonsense instead. I would feel guilty about this except it’s my dad who insists he’d rather i spend more and eat more than scrimp and starve on sucky hall food (which isn’t that bad but the same shit for breakfast every day!? Even the international variety can’t make that tolerable in the long term).

They served Laksa a couple of days back and it was as good as if not better than the ones you get at hawker centres (i think, i don’t really eat at hawker centres) (although this would soon change because Gee Ang and Xin are gone).

And the pseudo Shepard’s Pie that i loved because of carrots i love carrots.

This is because before Utown i desperately searched for photos of the food here so i’m doing every potential Utowner a favor.

Speaking of, after finding this website devoted to reviewing cookies i spiralled into this insane cookie craving phase that resulted in the most magical Cookie Day (and a Half). Had a package of Famous Amos which was incredibly unsatisfying because it popped out of the FASS vending machine. Spent two hours of psych tutorial dreaming of a Subway cookie and staging an internal debate between the goodness of Peanut Butter or White Chip Macadamia (Peanut Butter was out after my two hour ordeal so White Chip it was). Still wasn’t as good as i wanted it to be so i went to bed unhappy but not before scarfing down three quaker oat cookies. Small and un-decadent. Finally, finally cookie contented this morning with Pepperidge Farm’s cookie packages. And plain ol’ chocolate chip – it never goes wrong NEVER.

Dammit now i want some more. WHEN WILL THIS COOKIE RAMPAGE END.

Actually, never. My cookie addiction is eternal.

5.

First.

Second.

…third soon. I don’t know how i can handle this.

:’-(

September 20, 2012
Things, and other things.

BKK SHOPPING~

Led by the experienced Benita, Cleo and I wandered through five days of PURE SHOPPING. We finished Platinum Mall (BOTH BUILDINGS), went to Chatuchak for a day, and explored a little of the other central malls. Platinum’s still the best through. Like people possessed we combed the entire area for good buys AND BOY DID WE BUY. Here’s my Mountain – and out of us three i bought the least…

The food was pretty good, and amazingly CHEAP it’s insane. Local highlights being the Pad Thai and Som Tam and their OBSCURE MANGO WHICH I CRAVE. Not the orange slimy kind we have here neither was it sour green mango. It was like honeydew with a mango-ey flavor. But mainly – the shopping. BKK’s perfect for that. In total i spent probably only about 500SGD, and just clothes itself i have at least 50 items. So on average every item’s LESS THAN 10 BUCKS HOW CRAY IS DAT. Although i kind of overdid it on the florals, and have a couple of strange blouses that’d make me look like an overenthusiastic tourist in Hawaii. But never mind imma rock it.

Although with camps and all i haven’t been able to dive into my new clothes what a pitzzz.

USP O WEEK~

VALHALLA OVERFLOWING! Because it was O week it was mostly talks and chillz, which was good in a way because i needed some chill after 5 days of consecutive shopping.

CATSY SHMATZY’S SEND-OFF :-(

Broke camp for half a day to send Cathleen Wong off.. Yeap dat bitch gon be away for the first time since we became friends in 2006. The Mugs did up an elaborate and (waaay too) glittery poster, and i presented myself in a frog mask.. all to please her. It’s still kinda surreal and hasn’t quite sunk in. But i will miss her so, so much. We have two more of these send offs to go. Then i’ll be lonely cold and friendless in Singapore. Well not really cold, but everything else.

Had a nice time catching up with Shreen, Shermz and Cel as we headed home. I really, really need more time for my friends wow.

MODULE BIDDING HELL YEA

So this semester i’ll be taking Intro Psych, Psych stats, Intro Political Science, Intro Literature, and Issues around Justice for USP. YES i actually got every module i wanted, mostly out of luck but i’m a hapzgurl. I never did put much thought into module bidding though – only properly understood it’s workings on the day of bidding itself. And even then i just whacked and hoped for the best. With Stats and Justice i’m ~KINDA worried about overloading right on my first sem though.

ARTS O WEEK~

Yesterday was Day 1 of Arts O Week it was funfun seeing all my Rhor bitchezz again waow. Once i’m fully awake i’ll leave for Day 2, and be back to ready all my stuff for TOMORROW. WHEN I LEAVE HOME AND MOVE INTO MY NEW ONE.

MOVING INTO CINNAMON

I’m a freak and also very excited about cleaning up. I’m actually more excited about all the organizing and cleaning than moving in. I love making things clean and putting things into order and organizing and basically all the OCD hygiene shit. It gives me a strange high. So yeah TOMORROW SPRING CLEANING.

Thassal folks.

August 5, 2012
Day 07

Day 07: Bullet your whole day

– Woke up. Lolled around in bed.

– Washed up.

– Got on the PC, lolled around on the net.

– Had breakfast.

– Read a bit of Yoko Ogawa’s Housekeeper and the Professor.

– Shower/got changed.

– Reached Somerset. Shopped for awhile.

– Met Stella, then Debbie and JR! Headed straight to Din Tai Feng.

– Ordered the sesame noodles as opposed to Dan Dan Mian which i ALWAYS get at DTF.

– Lucas, Cheryl, JY + Jerry arrives!

– We eat/cam-whored/talked.

– Walked over to Taka and had Hokkaido matcha ice-cream (although i just had some the day before lolol).

– Followed them up to Shaw House. Said HI to ah ZUO, and bye to the rest.

– Got severely lost (yes, in town. Town is confusing.)

– Finally located bus stop. Boarded bus.

– Half an hour later realized i’m headed the opposite direction.

– Panic. Alighted.

– Found myself in the nowhere of Marina Bay.

– Trekked to MB station. GOT LOST IN THE STATION (i don’t know how i did it, but it happened).

– Got off at Dover, went down to the wrong side of the station.

– Finally got on the bus, on the right side. MISSED MY STOP.

– Trekked back to Yusof Ishak. I SEE MY FRIENDS, HELLO FRIENDS.

– Nonsense-d around for a bit with Rhor.. later came up with a diabolical plan to screw with the Freshies. Everyone’s gleeful and evil.

– Yingki drove us to the station (STILL A NOVEL THING TO BE DRIVEN AROUND BY FRENZ).

– MRT-ed with Esabel who is now Weiqing who is now Esabel.

– Stopped by Serangoon for pre-dinner dessert (LOL).

– HOME.

– Rot.

The day was predominantly me getting lost. Lulz i’m sorry my life isn’t any more eventful and less crippled by my shit sense of direction. TOMORROW though, Joey’s Commissioning Parade where we’re all gonna suit/prep up and Monday/Tuesday SLEEPOVER and Wednesday lunch and Thursday LAO JIU oh god i finally have a life that includes other human beings yay.

July 15, 2012
Realizations du jour

1.

Being alone and hungry makes me cranky.

Yes i have that need to be alone, but once i’m in it sometimes i refuse to budge even when i know i should. Spent the past two weeks meeting a grand total of -three- people (proper sustained contact), and only a couple hours for two of them. The rest of the time i wandered around alone hobo style.

Didn’t realize it, but i think i reached a point where there was no one around to buoy me up i was just eaten up by my own neurosis. Like yknw how when you spend too much time in close proximity with someone you go insane and want to bite his/her head off? That was what happened to me, with myself. Lol.

I might have been extra snappy/blasé because of that to sumfwenz on the phone, so i’m sorry anyone i might have taken it out on luvluv.

Jap noodles + midnight green tea conversations put things into perspective though, i needed it and i feel waaay better now didn’t even notice i wasn’t.

2.

DUDE. From today until the start of school there’s no rest. Friendsfriendsfriends – then it’s pre-camp then BKK then USP O week then Arts O week then uni begins oh god good bye alone me hello the world! Please be gentle.

3.

You know what they say about fair-weathered friends? That they are people who’re bound to be there when you’re having fun, but scoots once you need help?

Revelation du jour: I’m the exact opposite.

I’m more inclined and willing to reply/meet if it’s a friend seeking help. When it comes to social outings, i’d ditch. If you’re my friend and had me flak on you – think about it. It’s true innit. Need someone to talk to about boy problems and i’m alright with a lunch date right there and then. Book me for a sleepover three weeks in advance and i most likely won’t be there.

It’s not that i’m nice or caring or a terrific friend – i think it’s because of pride. I have a God complex where i believe myself capable of helping everyone.. (Celine: That’s ironically a very humble realization to make).

Thassal, and oh

4.

There will be three posts today, wow!

I hate how it bothers me that point 4. announces 3 posts, the OCD in me is itching.

July 14, 2012
Froth

I’ve been itching to write, for various reasons. The primary one being that when i write – things fall into perspective, they start to make sense… which is what i need now; have been feeling eerily spacey recently.

At first i was hoping it would be catalyst for some prose/poetry but nup – creative constipation still insisting it’s stay (save me, CAP/CAP friends). So right now i’m taking the easy way out – and also cleverly avoiding having to explicitly explain my wonked-out mental state by mashing this together with a pseud0 book review.

Banana Yoshimoto’s Asleep.

Three micro stories into one mini novel. They aren’t even about anything much. Take moments out of someone’s life, as far away from anything momentous as possible. Allude to deaths at only it’s most casual and stunning. Magnify every present thought and movement to it’s very barest and most truthful. That’s basically what Yoshimoto does. It feels like i’m reading sentences off a blank wall.. there’s little chronology or sense. Which scares me slightly because that’s how i’ve been feeling recently.

It’s not that i’m not happy, or that i’m dreading anything. If anything, i’m excited. I’ll be in Uni! And with close friends i’ve already had for six/thirteen years. There’s almost nothing i can fear. But i’m naturally pretty resistant to change. Kundera says, in Unbearable Lightness, that happiness is the longing for repetition. Maybe this is why, after three years, i’m still stuck on the need to return to St. Nicks, where i felt the most alive and vivid and real.

Because now i don’t. It’s not anything bad i guess – in fact it’s probably my (very effective) defensive system at work. It’s like there’s an overload of changes – people, situations, culture, work, relationships, family – and all i need is some time off from re-adjusting.

So recently i’ve been feeling rather detached from reality (which in itself is such a trite term, i feel literary guilt using it). I find myself floating in thoughts – just letting them carry me – which is worryingly unlike my usual annoyingly obnoxious, clear and unnaturally controlled inner voice. I’ll find myself zoning out and getting distracted, or i’m there but i’m not really processing everything. Else, i’d be say or do things bypassing the megazoid filter i’ve built through the years. The thing is i’m not distracted by anything in particular. I just can’t focus.

Reading Asleep was so incredibly surreal i made myself stop to eat some solid carbs just so i wouldn’t fly away somewhere.

I know everyone has phases where they feel out of it. I’m just not used to not being in control. It seems like ages since i’ve been able to center everything, make sense of it all, and feel like every part of me is – in that very moment – alive. I think i can only be that whole with the St. Nick’s girls, especially the Mugs. And while i’m in the nehnehchickenwing mode without my appropriate anti-maudlin filters – i’ll just say it: with the Mugs around i’ll be safe because i know we already have a part of ourselves in each other, so i’d never get lost.

Now i shall drown myself for that little piece of schmaltz.

I didn’t find Asleep an especially good read, it was just congruent with my current state. It’s a book that sits on froth where everything looks safe and off-handed and casual, but being the sitter you know there’s something darker underneath right below. Something like that.

I’m unnaturally concerned with the over-usage of the starter ‘I feel’ in this entire post and have been consciously trying to rid of them.

Cannot cannot cannot i really need to get out of this weird cloud stage.

June 23, 2012