Q

Holding Thoughts

Running is an addiction. It’s difficult to start but as difficult to stop.

Took to the ground again this morning, ran my favourite route over to Serangoon. I take my time but compensate with stamina. It’s pretty much the only time my thoughts are slower than I am going, and that’s pretty fucking relaxing.

–

I know my brain works in strange ways. Not illogical but by its own set of logic. And sometimes all I want is someone who gets it – wholly, instantly. Yes i’m lucky to have so many friends who do get it – appreciate it even – after i explain to them. But.

But it’s like I have a set of legos that’s meant to be built in a certain way. Somehow i find myself creating something entirely different, with the same pieces. People would go w t f? Friends would listen to why and how i pieced it together this way, and go: ohhhh, i see it now. But explaining can be exhausting. Sometimes i wish someone would just look at it and think that that’s the way it’s meant to be too, without even realising it’s not the norm.

Guess what i meant to say is, everyone is strange in their own way. And i wish someone was strange in exactly the way i am. Like a twin or something, except fully mine.

–

I’m down to the last chapter of A Little Life, and find myself unable to continue. Because it is too painful, knowing what has happened and what is bound to come. But hands down, one of the best books I’ve ever read.

Never have I been presented with such a convincing narrative for self-harm, self-hatred, and beauty. Everything is surreal but so real. On a micro-scale, it has gems of excerpts i’ve been hoarding in my notes. As a whole it’s just a wonderful, skilful, epic piece of work. Bildungsroman? But not really – that cheapens it.

It’s about love, about pain, and life, about friendship. It’s just … aiya go read la.

February 6, 2016
Fruits

404~

So, so glad to have been in USProductions in my last year in NUS. So, so grateful to have the cutest cast and crew with me through this. And incredibly touched for all y’all friends who came down to support (tq, and tq again!)

I don’t do scripted plays much, but they always hold something special for me. Because you start inhabiting a character that is wholly not you. Beyond being an excitable IJ girl, I spent a long time hating Anna for being an angsty drama queen. It was really until opening itself that I realized (with amazing direction from Dot and me lovely cast mates), that Anna is more than that. Anna is all of us – scared, vulnerable, loyal, masking all that with her anger and confused frustrated outbursts.

Confession: i found Anna really hard to portray, and it took me way too long to warm up to her. I may even have only fully gotten her on our last show. But the journey there was worth it. I do love me a good challenge. But it wouldn’t have been as amazing a time without deez talented awesomesauce peeperts:

Whether offstage or onstage, you guys shine. Thank you for being such an inspiration and a joy to work with. <3

Finding Robin together.

Sometimes making Dot cry with laughter / frustration. (Most of this is WJ’s doing)

And for the general backstage shenanigans where we basically kill our throats with chilli (mine died midway through the third show HAHSDHA).

–

So recently I’ve been plagued by a bout of insomnia, which is strange because I’ve always slept very well and very early. My baby sleep cycle demands a full 8 hours. But for the past month I’ve had problems falling asleep and staying asleep. It’s horrible. Slowly I’m beginning to suspect that it has something to do with my slow descent into Anna-hood.

All the anger I’ve been forcing my body to possess, and the actual anger I’ve had to express through all our rehearsals / runs / shows are beginning to seep into my qi (i’m quite huge on TCM, yes). May be the reason I’m sleeping bad, especially considering how incredibly slow to anger I am in real life. Method acting much?

Need to find the Qing chill again.

–

OH AND AND AND

FINALLY

IT’S OUT:

SO. CHIO. So proud of Jude and Jem for creating this with just a vision and the desire to create something big. Aced it. And seriously can’t stop listening to this.

“See how far we’ve come,”

strikes true, especially since I’ve watched YQ win the crowd’s heart as splatterdashed in our HC years. It’s really amazing seeing friends making a difference, pursuing their dreams, and just – creating great shit with their innate abilities. Also tq for roping me in to help in whatever small way I could. Had too much fun roaming lupsup stores, aging paper with coffee, and making psychedelic clocks for this shoot. It’s quite a feeling seeing it all come to life under Jem’s film skillz.

–

Now it’s back to school, and i’m taking it chill this semester. Have been reading A Little Life by Hanya Yanagihara – deeply, deeply engaging. Have already found so many excerpts to fall in love with. Will share more when done (it’s friggin’ long).

January 30, 2016
D-Day!

January 22, 2016
2015

Has been to good to me.

January 1, 2016
to note

(written in March 2012)

whatever injustice you’ve suffered, don’t let it ruin you.

anger is energy. pain is energy. it can implode and destroy you, but control it well and it becomes a force that propels you.

whatever happens to us we cannot prevent or change, but what happens after is a choice we can make.

take this anger, sadness, pain, disappointment and make it yours to use.

use it as fuel to get where you want, get what you want. use it as a reason to want to be happy. use it to find this happiness.

whatever happens, don’t let it ruin you.

December 9, 2015
So many things
This semester has been nothing short of eventful.

For once since awhile, I feel not just content with the present and nostalgic for the past – but hopeful (and kinda excited tbh) about the future.

Things of significance from the past four months:
1. I now have clearer idea of what I want to do when I graduate, even if it’s nowhere near fixed. And most of all, I’m doing things towards this direction.
2. I want to create, perform, make art. This semester, for some reason (or maybe I subconsciously pursued it), so much of what I used to love doing came by as opportunities. (Ok these next time then say). While dozing off one day I had a vivid half-lucid dream (partly thanks to Spotify’s amazing ambiance playlist). In this half-dream was a dance sequence in which I had the most striking revelation that what I really want in my life right now is to find the self I want to know, and that to do that I need to create because that’s when I can most wholly express myself.
3. That… I may have misunderstood change. For so long I’ve struggled with keeping up with the me that has been since uni started. I catch myself being more thoughtful, quiet, even shy. (Friends may stop laughing at this point, tqvm.) There are aspects of this me I like – someone who is able to pause and control and reflect. But the side that was uninhibited and kinda weird and mostly insane, that was a me I missed and thought I’d lost. These days I find myself laughing a little more freely, not caring so much about what others think, and generally just losing my volume control. It makes me wonder if I’d gone quieter because of maturity, weariness, or because it was what I’ve been implicitly told to do by others. Because I don’t feel weary; and I’m slowly realizing that the new me does not need to replace the old one – they can co-exist perfectly well. Maybe I just need the right audience.
4. It amazes me that at the age of 22, best friends can still be found and made.
5. Between being a complete masochist and a hedonist, I’m learning to be less self-punishing, especially when it comes to academics. It occurred to me how narrow and pointless a path it is to have my grades take even one of the central stages in my life. There are things in life I want more than that. Empty roads just for me at 3am. Meiji milk at the top of the playground. Spending the whole morning in bed with my uke.
I said I wanna find myself again, and it’s actually working.
December 8, 2015
Too Many Things

December 5, 2015
Sunny

November 23, 2015
Protected: I think

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ma~da

Wow so I have not written a single proper, this-is-my-life-now post for more than a month.

Here is my life now: busy, but good.

I don’t feel very in touch with school this semester – probably a post-exchange syndrome – and I’m expecting first class honors to slip out of my grasp by the end of this term. But I’m okay with that.

This period of time has been more about what I’m doing beyond NUS. It’s a quarter of a year of my life, not just “a semester” contextualized by school.

So it has been lots of friends, new projects (!!!), side work, meeting people new&old. And lots of prime time with my SP3 making plans for the future.

A future that has just had its windows blown wide open, because… well yeah:

About being single again, it has been exciting. Finding myself outside the context of a relationship… the freedom can get overwhelming at times, but so far I am quite enjoying being overwhelmed by everyone and everything.

xo

lots of positive vibes.

October 17, 2015