Sometimes i get physically exhausted of small talk. I mean, practically having to take a deep breath to channel all my strength to give enough shits to speak. Not sure how others do it, but it’s a genuine life skill to hold these conversations with enough enthusiasm.
Sometimes i think i save all my words for my friends, the ones i want to talk to. There’s always so much i want to say, need to say with them. When that happens it’s a freestyle ramble that wouldn’t relent.
Reason why i speak before thinking:
because i let myself
because i think about everything so bloody much, to filter would mean i don’t speak at all.
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If i have so much in common with almost everyone, what does this say about me?
Probably that i have too many interests for my own good, or that i’m generally great at picking awesome friends.
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i’m back on running, let’s keep it up for good this time kay Qing?
Just did my reading on ‘The Neural Bases of Altruistic Punishment’. I’ve always suspected this, but now I’m pretty convinced that in a psychological sense, there is no true altruism as we define it.
By (almost) all definitions, humans are absolutely capable of altruism – that is, acting in ways that benefit others even at the expense of incurring costs to self. This is how we conceive of altruism socially, biologically, legally.
But neuroscience has shown us that when we get to the deep of it, altruism is a goal-directed behavior to achieve expected satisfaction. It is analogous to a a person having that chocolate bar because it releases endorphins in their brain.
Personally, this doesn’t makes altruism any less beautiful. Maybe some find reducing a selfless act to activation in our dorsal striatum rather unromantic, but i for one find it fascinating; that over millennia, human interaction has shaped within our brains mechanisms that encourage the survival of other human beings – related or not.
Altruism is borne of something greater than itself: the desire for humankind as a whole to survive. An overarching desire that binds us all as a species, producing a tendency within us that binds us together too. It’s just… amazing.
Running is an addiction. It’s difficult to start but as difficult to stop.
Took to the ground again this morning, ran my favourite route over to Serangoon. I take my time but compensate with stamina. It’s pretty much the only time my thoughts are slower than I am going, and that’s pretty fucking relaxing.
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I know my brain works in strange ways. Not illogical but by its own set of logic. And sometimes all I want is someone who gets it – wholly, instantly. Yes i’m lucky to have so many friends who do get it – appreciate it even – after i explain to them. But.
But it’s like I have a set of legos that’s meant to be built in a certain way. Somehow i find myself creating something entirely different, with the same pieces. People would go w t f? Friends would listen to why and how i pieced it together this way, and go: ohhhh, i see it now. But explaining can be exhausting. Sometimes i wish someone would just look at it and think that that’s the way it’s meant to be too, without even realising it’s not the norm.
Guess what i meant to say is, everyone is strange in their own way. And i wish someone was strange in exactly the way i am. Like a twin or something, except fully mine.
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I’m down to the last chapter of A Little Life, and find myself unable to continue. Because it is too painful, knowing what has happened and what is bound to come. But hands down, one of the best books I’ve ever read.
Never have I been presented with such a convincing narrative for self-harm, self-hatred, and beauty. Everything is surreal but so real. On a micro-scale, it has gems of excerpts i’ve been hoarding in my notes. As a whole it’s just a wonderful, skilful, epic piece of work. Bildungsroman? But not really – that cheapens it.
It’s about love, about pain, and life, about friendship. It’s just … aiya go read la.
404~
So, so glad to have been in USProductions in my last year in NUS. So, so grateful to have the cutest cast and crew with me through this. And incredibly touched for all y’all friends who came down to support (tq, and tq again!)
I don’t do scripted plays much, but they always hold something special for me. Because you start inhabiting a character that is wholly not you. Beyond being an excitable IJ girl, I spent a long time hating Anna for being an angsty drama queen. It was really until opening itself that I realized (with amazing direction from Dot and me lovely cast mates), that Anna is more than that. Anna is all of us – scared, vulnerable, loyal, masking all that with her anger and confused frustrated outbursts.
Confession: i found Anna really hard to portray, and it took me way too long to warm up to her. I may even have only fully gotten her on our last show. But the journey there was worth it. I do love me a good challenge. But it wouldn’t have been as amazing a time without deez talented awesomesauce peeperts:
Whether offstage or onstage, you guys shine. Thank you for being such an inspiration and a joy to work with. <3
Finding Robin together.
Sometimes making Dot cry with laughter / frustration. (Most of this is WJ’s doing)
And for the general backstage shenanigans where we basically kill our throats with chilli (mine died midway through the third show HAHSDHA).
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So recently I’ve been plagued by a bout of insomnia, which is strange because I’ve always slept very well and very early. My baby sleep cycle demands a full 8 hours. But for the past month I’ve had problems falling asleep and staying asleep. It’s horrible. Slowly I’m beginning to suspect that it has something to do with my slow descent into Anna-hood.
All the anger I’ve been forcing my body to possess, and the actual anger I’ve had to express through all our rehearsals / runs / shows are beginning to seep into my qi (i’m quite huge on TCM, yes). May be the reason I’m sleeping bad, especially considering how incredibly slow to anger I am in real life. Method acting much?
Need to find the Qing chill again.
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OH AND AND AND
FINALLY
IT’S OUT:
SO. CHIO. So proud of Jude and Jem for creating this with just a vision and the desire to create something big. Aced it. And seriously can’t stop listening to this.
“See how far we’ve come,”
strikes true, especially since I’ve watched YQ win the crowd’s heart as splatterdashed in our HC years. It’s really amazing seeing friends making a difference, pursuing their dreams, and just – creating great shit with their innate abilities. Also tq for roping me in to help in whatever small way I could. Had too much fun roaming lupsup stores, aging paper with coffee, and making psychedelic clocks for this shoot. It’s quite a feeling seeing it all come to life under Jem’s film skillz.
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Now it’s back to school, and i’m taking it chill this semester. Have been reading A Little Life by Hanya Yanagihara – deeply, deeply engaging. Have already found so many excerpts to fall in love with. Will share more when done (it’s friggin’ long).
(written in March 2012)
whatever injustice you’ve suffered, don’t let it ruin you.
anger is energy. pain is energy. it can implode and destroy you, but control it well and it becomes a force that propels you.
whatever happens to us we cannot prevent or change, but what happens after is a choice we can make.
take this anger, sadness, pain, disappointment and make it yours to use.
use it as fuel to get where you want, get what you want. use it as a reason to want to be happy. use it to find this happiness.
whatever happens, don’t let it ruin you.
This semester has been nothing short of eventful.
For once since awhile, I feel not just content with the present and nostalgic for the past – but hopeful (and kinda excited tbh) about the future.
Things of significance from the past four months:
I said I wanna find myself again, and it’s actually working.
Q 