Q

This post has been on my deck for awhile. My plan was to pen it when i’m ready to do it full justice, but have come to realize that this state may never come. I’d rather try, though, than never getting the message across: so here it is.

Firstly, excuse my lack of knowledge and true experience. I have never been depressed. The closest contact i’ve come to it is dealing with the depression of loved ones, and through university courses (far less useful). So anything i’ll say is not representative of all victims of depression.

Heck, i’m barely gonna skim the surface of what depression is. Today, my foremost concern is with a very specific aspect of depression – a response to it even: self-blame.

Sufferers of depression as their own, most unforgiving, critics.

This may be especially prevalent in my circle, where we’re all relatively privileged. I hear extreme self-blame and guilt as the greatest fallout after a depressive episode.

“I know life has been good to me, so why do I still feel this way?”

They feel selfish, undeserving, and most of all confused. Whatever the trigger might be (insignificant, or non-existent), they tell themselves that so many others have it much worse. I shouldn’t be feeling the way I feel, but I do. 

It’s easy to explain that everyone, innately, has different thresholds and response tendencies. It’s not your fault. But to ease the guilt that comes with it is close to impossible. As someone prone to guilt (I blame this on Asian parenting), i imagine myself being wrought up with these self-destructive thoughts.

Emotions are biological too.

Psychology and neuroscience are infants in the scientific world. It took awhile to convince us that the world isn’t flat. It might take a little longer to grasp that how people feel is governed by a complex interplay of neurotransmitters; that dysfunction in the balance of neurotransmitters is as biologically real as, say, diabetes.

But we’re getting there. For every person who refuses to recognize depression as a real illness, there is another who is empathetic to sufferers of the disorder.

Just as how you could never blame someone for fighting cancer, for having Alzheimer’s, for losing both their legs – anyone who has tried to understand depression as it is will not blame the victim for suffering.

The greatest contradiction in response may come from victims themselves. On one hand, they know most intimately how utterly devoid of control they are of the condition. On the other, they are the first to experience it as an emotion than a symptom. Therein lies their desire for others to understand depression as a disorder, and the disturbing thought that it isn’t an inflicted illness – just themselves.

A disorder or just who I am?

Depression is so closely tied to cognitive function that, unlike more physical disorders, it denies the sufferer their ability to perceive self as victim. And sometimes that is important. Rhetoric can play a huge role in recovery: we overcame suffering, we fought a disease, we recovered from an illness. The origins of depression, though, is often cast in doubt.

A victim’s own traits and cognitive tendencies are apparent to them throughout their lives, relative to latent genetic information embedded in DNA. It is precisely this self-understanding that leads them to suspect: what if it isn’t actually depression, but how i am chronically?

In my opinion, it’s both.

Innate disposition – that is otherwise healthy – can tend one towards depression if met with certain situations. Neuroticism, for instance, is one of the greatest predictors of depressive symptoms of all personality traits. In moderate amounts, or in a safe environment, it can be very adaptive. It keeps a person from risky behavior, encourages meticulous work, etc. When met with triggers, though, the same person is more susceptible to spiralling down depression. If a medical parallel were to be drawn, it’s akin to a patient having a genetic predisposition to cancer.

You’re the last person to be apologizing.

So yes, it’s you chronically. Part of your personality, who you are, it may even have a role to play in why you’re an amazing person. But it doesn’t mean you have to be chronically depressed. No matter how closely you had tended to depression (for as long as you can remember), depression isn’t who you are. You are a victim. Like many physical disorders, it happened to you beyond your conscious control. You didn’t make it happen. So as much as you can, go easy on yourself. Please.

That said, things can be done. However helpless or uncontrollable it may be, it can be contained with professional help. I can never understand it fully – but i do know that in the darkest of your times, trapped in your own mind, relief becomes an impossible feat. There is no bodily pain that propels you to a clinic.

Many may not even realize they are depressed, and may trudge on thinking the mental torment they deal with daily is part of life. Herein lies the finicky part of depression. It is so difficult to separate mind from mind, and notice that something is wrong. Perhaps even more so for the depressed than people around them.

To those whose loved ones are depressed.

It breaks my heart that on top of coping with depression, many sufferers take up the burden of guilt. They cannot forgive themselves for (they believe) unnecessarily stressing loved ones. The truth – that it is stressful to care for someone with depression – doesn’t help.

Friends, family, spouses of those who are depressed, for every ounce of frustration you face dealing with them, get this: he/she is doing it with much less mental resources. Often, they lack the hope, optimism, and even blind naiveté we instinctively rely on.

Depression exists on such a wide spectrum there isn’t a universally appropriate way to provide support. But from personal experience, one thing we should prioritize is absolving the depressed of their guilt. It’s an elusive task that i cannot yet complete, but for god’s sake try. Never let a loved one with depression feel like they are to blame for their illness. Never ever try to imply that it was well within their control to prevent depression from happening. Because they aren’t, and it wasn’t.