Q

those days were vacuous and fluid.

at an odd enough mid-afternoon hour my thumbs paused between apps with nowhere else to go. in reflex they found the familiar curve of your digits around my keypad.

“wanna hang?”

“yeah ok.”

in retrospect the dynamics of our friendship is weird. most of the time we’re shunted into an afterthought; we go months without a word between us. but at our lowest and neediest we were each other’s default go-to.

i was neither low nor needy then, but i knew somehow you’d pick up.

–

at your place we tuck outgrown legs around a clutter of novels and cable lines. you didn’t bother to sweep away your collection of Nature Valley wrappers – each one a thoughtless half twist. i thought of our conversations in mosaic. the ones that begun at the middle and the ones without ends; the way we left and picked up the time between us.

we didn’t do much that afternoon. you showed me on your guitar what you’ve been working on.

“this is pretty much all i’ve been doing recently. you know… taking things easy.”

i note with a jolt that your voice was not the voice that first sounded out my name years ago, and was surprised by my surprise. had i expected us to remain spindly limbed and giggly in ice-cream parlors through everything?

all the conversations grief pressed so tight against my throat i couldn’t cry but made you listen anyway, when you almost dropped off the face of the earth, hour long midnight mistaken bus rides where i ditch you for sleep, a lot of silence, all of each other’s trials we’ve taken as our own.

at that moment, though, i was contented with the uneventful quiet. just two of us, almost adults but not quite done with life.

Where do I even begin?

For more than a decade i’ve had the privilege of your friendship – your wacky ways, your unconventional wisdom, your unwavering loyalty, and your ever tireless ability to be there as a friend whenever, whatever. 

We’ve been through pretty much the highest and lowest of each other’s lives, and i can say this without being metaphorical. You’re really, truly, one of the biggest blessings i have. Just as fate/God/predestination dictated our collision last month at Bugis (when we could have been there at any other time, or been any where else), i believe it was by the same cosmic grace that we were made to sit together in Primary 2.

All the days we spent buried deep in our otaku geeky nonsense, sharing our roots in literary ventures with co-novels, or else conjuring up the most ridiculous stories during table tennis (i need to confess that you were the only reason why i loved going for CCA hur).

I don’t think people tell you this enough, Cel, but you are an amazing human being. Not just the best friend i could ever have wished for, but pretty much close to the best person the world deserves. Talented (in so many fields), insanely introspective, sensitive (in both the good and bad way lawl), and much as you deny it – a genuinely huge-hearted person. And most of the time you have no idea how much of a star you are.

You just have it, you know. For all your insecurities, you’ve got that innate furnace of charisma that never exhausts itself. You often mention how much you admire this or that person, when really you are just about the brightest shade in so many of our lives. You’ve got this way with people that makes them love you and trust you, and deservedly so because you’re that great a person.

Even your most iconic faults – the perpetual lateness, being a generally unaware mu-tou-ren, your sometimes bumbling and fumbling and getting bones wedged into the floor – are endearing. They are part of you and because the overall part of your is so beautiful, they become that too. That’s the only theory i can accept for why everyone lets you get away with being an hour late for everything.

Now that we’ve both traversed through the pains and plains of youth into the platform of adulthood, i’m more than convinced – having seen you through all you’ve been through and knowing you to your very core – that you’d make it big in life. Big not necessarily in the Lady Gaga book-out concert sense, but big how accomplished you’d feel about your life. I know you’ll get there, and when you do, I’d still be here cheering you on!

So proud of you for all you’ve done already and all I imagine you’d go on to do, Cel. HAPPY 21st and I love you!

xoxoxo

nights like these.

quite often we come across, sailing across the currents of social media, plaints of not having held closer the time we had with best friends. i don’t make this lament often, maybe because even back then i knew how dynamic my life was – a polychromatic, restless rush of days crashing into each other. i also knew it wouldn’t last.

my one consolation is that we still have these moments in concentrated dosages. again our words find a known rhythm and weave themselves into the braid we’ve kept through the years. we note that our laughter sparks off at the end of the same sentences. our hands find snug fit over the crooks of familiar elbows. i find myself falling into a cubby hole suspended from life moving, both timeless but so much in the present. it makes me happy.

our central concerns have changed, yes. we hear ourselves discussing politics, about careers – things beyond the immediate us (age has shed for us egocentrism) and are somewhat surprised by ourselves. all else remains constant – the yelled snark over 2-for-1 ice-cream and live music, the illegal escapades venturing to windy places unknown and the inevitable injuries/mishaps, anti-climatic wind-downs with a round of hot green tea.

i hoard these moments in words online for us.

Tbh, this is something I’d love to do anytime – but your 21st is the least creepy occasion on which I can dedicate a post to you SO HERE IT IS BITCH.

You were right, it is incredibly difficult to find a photo of just us together. This took a proper amount of ruthless cropping. BUT IT DOES NOT MATTER, because it depicts just how strange our friendship is.

And it really is strange, right down to its ambiguous beginnings. While you shared a class or a church with most of the others, our acquaintanceship was built entirely and solely on having studied in a close proximity. Although wildly dodgy in its own way, it’s one of the most, most fortunate random occurrences in my life – i mean it!

Although you think of yourself as an awkward child (ok you and everyone else), frankly you’re one of the most adaptable person i know. In an understated, non-obnoxious manner, you make anyone you speak to feel both comfortable and interested. I’m guessing it’s not often that someone describes you anything contrary to awkward, but you do really have a way with people – something i’m always grateful for because it led to our (now) 6 years of friendship (!!!). This is evident in the sheer number of close friends/cliques you have who adore you.

Thank you for being such a quietly loyal friend – like the fierce but loving pet gerbil you are. For all the times I needed someone for sound advice or to rant to. Thank you for being down-to-earth. You’re the one I can depend on to give the most unbiased counseling consistently. Also thank you for trusting me with your own troubles/tears/angst you wouldn’t have shared with anyone else.

Thank you for for being firm with us when we need it, for screwing our all-over-the-place exploding heads back on. Frankly if we were to collate how many times we feel like punching someone in the Mugs, i am pretty confident that you’d be the least punched. THANK YOU FOR TAKING ALL OUR NONSENSE.

Although our photos together are annoyingly intruded by the rest, I can remember so well the times we’ve spent just together. Sitting around at Serangoon Macs trying to study, feeling dumb under the wrath of Maran, late night sleepovers trading secrets in the dark (and my subsequent outburst and your mortification), trading eye-rolls when a Mug does something silly, experiencing God together at Awaken, and so so so much more.

All these years together and you’re now this hipster chio adorable butterfly, who’s all shades of cool that I am not. Still, you’re always there – like a bug I can’t squish. As a person you’re someone I’m in constant awe of – your stable state of mind, your maturity, your ~*style*~. As a friend you remind me of just how blessed I am – who else would sneak in a whole assortment of snacks under my bed just because I complained they cost too much?

Beni, continue being the incredible person and friend you are. I love you so, so much and can’t wait to be there cheering you on when you make it big in this world which I’m sure you will.

AI NI DUO DUO DUO <3

PS: Gong xi fa cai!