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  • Give Thanks 2013

    This year, I’m grateful for many, many things. :-)

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    My OG, Rhordonna, made up of really the people i’d most want to be with for the rest of my University life. I entered Uni with no expectations of making any very close friends, because I figured most of them are the ones I already have. Not sure why I got so lucky, but somehow everyone in my OG turned out to be lovely – people i’d have loved to know as friends even without the context of uni camps. Truly feel very VERY blessed, with small things like sporadic study sessions, meals, and outings with them. It’s amazing how I can count on you guys not only for a fun time but also for personal/school-related problems. THANK YOU GUYS SO MUCH :’-) 真的很幸运和你们有缘份。这么老了还能遇到好朋友!

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    For the people who make an effort to be in my life even when miles and miles away. I miss you guys, but am always thankful that we are still the best of friends – despite the distance, despite the time zone. For always (unintentionally) making my day that much better with all your silly antics and general nonsense. Love you guys always, and thankful for the fact that we somehow ended up part of each other’s lives.

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    One of the things I am MOST grateful for this year, though I probably didn’t show it enough: brief but meaningful reunions with faraway friends. While it’ll be great to have more time to spend with these favorite people of mine, but there’s beauty in its brevity too! Makes it that much more precious and appreciated. Only thing we are missing here are the rest of the faraway mugs! Xin, Cath, come back to me!

    Giving thanks for new friends made this semester! UAR2207 invades Yogyakarta! Without this trip I would’ve liked you guys, from the fun we have in class – but this trip made me love all of you!!! Seriously I cannot think of a better bunch to go with! All lovers of the zen, idyllic lifestyle, but also ready for intense shopping + food raids! Loved the crazy evenings we spent laughing over everything, and that I got to share the beauty of Wayang and Yogya with you guys. Really, really amazing companions who made the trip extra special for me.

    Besides new friends, I’m so, so glad for the meet ups with old friends. Friends who’ve been there since we were still young and stupid (we still kinda are that – just not so young anymore). So glad that you guys, despite army and school, still make an effort to catch up! These reunions keep me going. Also makes me super happy to see my friends doing well where ever they are, and how much they’ve accomplished! AND HAPPY ORD FRIENDS! image

    Thank you for keeping me young at heart, for reminding me that the happiness we had as kids don’t need to be loss, that we can easily go back to those times when we meet each other! Love <3

    Photo credits: Jessica
    And also to friends who’ve grown so much, and made me so proud with their various achievements! 10A16 and our support for each other during one of the most stressful periods of my life, I’ll never forget you guys: all the intense happiness/ laughter/ stress/ drama we’ve gone through together. Like I’ve said before, I might not have been very happy with being in HC, but HONESTLY on hindsight I think A16 was HC’s redeeming factor. If I had to do it all over again I’d come back just for you guys.

    Thankful for simple joys under the sun with some of my favorite girls!

     

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    And to my oldest, closest, bestest, and dearest. I know you guys will always be there for me, and I’m so thankful for that, every single day of my life. 

    And of course, I’d always (no matter how things turn out), be thankful for J. For making me a better person, for teaching me how to love myself and others. Love you and thank you for everything and for being in my life!

    Also very grateful for my parents, who each in their own way try their best to make me as happy as possible, and their willingness to go through great inconveniences just so I can be comfortable. And my grandma for her unconditional love for me that no one can match, ever.

    And lastly to myself for keeping a very positive outlook on life this semester! Very zen, no stress, focussed on learning and enjoying learning. Appreciated all the little joys here and there, and spent time with people I like very much!

    THANK YOU 2013!!! :-)

    December 1, 2013

  • HOLIDREAMING.

    I have not even taken my first paper and here I am day-dreaming about the holidays.

    Really, Qing.

    Things I cannot wait to do:

    Get Pokemon. Play Pokemon.

    Eat a lot of really good food every where. All day. Everyday.

    Spend time just rotting at home in my favorite corner between my bed and the wall next to the window cushioned by a million pillows.

    Go. Shopping. In. Town.

    MEET EVERYONE, HI.

    Read everything on my growing list of to-reads, starting with Amy Tan’s newest!

    Start crafting actual poems from the half-lines I’ve been scattering all over the place (phone note pad, random word docs, notes, post-its).

    Watch movies AS IN IN AN ACTUAL MOVIE THEATRE which I have not done for a long, long, long time.

    Swim and bask in the sun.

    Re-watch all my favorite series/movies. (Kokuhaku, Sherlock, Criminal Minds ahhhh)

    Start jogging again!!!

    BAKE! I wanna try all kinds of fun new recipes also I can’t wait to EAT MY OWN BAKED GOODS LOL.

    Go out with my grandpopo. <3

    Things to look forward to:

    CHRISTMAS SONGS & TWINKLY LIGHTS & WARM APPLE PIES

    MY BIRTHDAY (ok not really. so depressing to be old)

    FRIENDS COMING HOME

    CHINESE NEW YEAR ANG POW & PINEAPPLE TARTS

    I AM SO. EXCITED. FINALS? WHAT FINALS.

     

    November 26, 2013

  • UNDERRATED.

    November 25, 2013

  • Thoughts on Anonymous

    5th November went by, as I predicted, without much fuss. We paid our GSTs, jostled for space in the MRT, met our deadlines. We scrolled our smartphones for news and were mildly amused by the sporadic net hacks by Anonymous. We tweet sardonic responses – whether in support or annoyance, and we went back to our lives.

    This was pretty much what I expected, because I don’t believe think anyone – even those in support of their cause – believed Anonymous to be the revolutionary leaders they were looking for. And why was that? Because there is a difference between what you are fighting for, and how you are fighting for it.

    Anonymous’ fundamental mistake lies in their organizational action. Given that they aren’t even a coherent organization to begin with makes this inevitable. They burst into the scene with arguable impact, but the follow up revealed a poorly planned (if at all) course of action.

    My greatest problem with them:

    Their execution mirrored exactly what they were against.

    Their trivial attacks began with the whole ‘Straits Times distorts message’ issue, with a journalist singled out and threatened. The aggression, I felt, was uncalled for. But their intention for attack was somewhat justifiable. They were after all fighting for reporting that does not furthered the government’s agenda (I won’t label this as objective journalism cause I don’t think complete objectivity is possible).

    Personally though, I feel that an attack on the Singapore government is an attack on Singapore. It was merely semantics they were playing with. They were posturing the government as distinct and even oppositional to the country at large, when this is not the case. Even if there exists discontentment towards the government, they are what currently holds our infrastructure together.

    More concretely, we take the threat they made to cost the government financial loss by “aggressive cyber invasion”. If you’ve had any 101 on Econs, a loss to the government directly impacts us. In fact, any form of attack on the government becomes an attack on us because state and sovereign are inextricably linked. Then again, for a citizen who already views him/herself as wholly at odds with the government, this might not be the case. So alright, I’ll give it to Anonymous that the attack could be justified.

    But that aside, I have serious issues with the attack on Ridhwan Azman.

    Of course, because Anonymous is a disparate (?)organization(?)/group, this might not be representative of the Messiah/group as an entity.

    Of course, their petty choice of attack may also be due to technical constraints or incapability to infiltrate into wider, more important networks.

    Of course, Azman appears to be an ignorant wife-beater, which is Not Okay anywhere, anytime.

    But that doesn’t mean what Anonymous did was right.

    The justifications they gave was that Azman has been “dissing the legion” and claimed that they were a joke. Regardless of the veracity of his statements, Azman is entitled to his own opinion. How is Anonymous taking offense to negative remarks against it ANY DIFFERENT AT ALL from the government taking offense to a citizens’ dissent?

    Some may argue that they were not attacking Azman in particular, but symbolically reminding all that they are serious – that they have the ability to put those against them in place, that they are not to be messed with. Does that not sound UNCOMFORTABLY familiar?

    Regulation in our country operates largely on an automatic basis. We internalize a fear of prosecution – generated from the few instances where explicit legal action has actually been taken – and self-censor. How many of us even know what exactly constitutes as illegal content? We just tread carefully around imagined OB markers.

    My point is, Anonymous clamping down on dissent against them serves this very purpose. With an example of someone ‘dissing’ Anonymous being hacked, do we not become more cautious when criticizing Anonymous online? Relative to legal prosecution, where the justice system still provides (to some extent, no matter what many argue) protection for non-malicious statements based on some truth, there is no way to prevent persecution by the Anonymous, or predict the way they persecute you. It can go beyond hacking your social media accounts to infiltration of confidential or financial data.

    The fear is there. Anonymous attempted to replace the regulatory framework installed by the PAP with their own, equally restrictive one. What Anonymous did was to posture themselves as an opposite camp, as powerful as the regime, and force us to choose sides.

    Personally, they appear as patronizing as the government.

    A main complaint against the government is that they suffer from self-righteousness, thinking they know what’s ‘best for us’, and implementing regulations accordingly. Anonymous, by independently formulating their political agenda before calling for support (and threatening persecution of those who challenge them), reflect the exact paternalistic attitude they swear to loathe. What makes them think that all of us are ready to trade complete freedom of speech for financial stability? Perhaps many of us do, of course, but it shouldn’t be pre-assumed.

    There is nothing revolutionary about them, they are just fighting lightning with lightning.

    Why they seem ‘revolutionary’ to some is because they are new, and positioned themselves against a recognized antagonist. But with closer examination, their framework eerily parallels the regimes’. Okay firstly I need to qualify that I don’t think either party is evil or malicious. In fact, both have good intentions. What I’m trying to say is, what goes against what you go against does not always = you support. It’s not as formulaic as that.

    I’m not saying that the government is perfect, or that such opposition isn’t needed. There are problematic issues with regulation that definitely needs reforming. Mainly, the vague regulatory markers we operate within severely restricts the political space citizens dare venture into. Also, there’s a lack of trust given to citizens. Yes – idiots are aplenty, so explicit rules against what should intuitively not be said (e.g. racial slurs) are spelt out. But we need to be given credit for being a lot more self-aware than we are thought to be. Even if we aren’t, we need to make those mistakes to learn for ourselves.

    Another issue lies in ourselves. A good majority of us appear politically apathetic. The ‘battle’ between Anonymous and the government was a source of entertainment, and rather frivolous remarks were made about them, few politically relevant. Admittedly, I do quite enjoy those comments: “Eh hack into uni account and help my bell curve leh”, etc. But it reflects the state of political (un-)interest within citizens.

    Interest aside, there is also the issue of knowledge. We need better contextual knowledge politically, and to consolidate our stances according to what we know. Chances are you may be a huge supporter of Anonymous without considering their methods, what exactly are the legislations they fight against, or what you desire for a political outcome. Choosing stances with only vague political ideas yourself isn’t a crime, but ideally we should have a good think-through before we choose either sides or none at all.

    Life is nuanced. Politics is life multiplied by the # of people involved, which makes it a complicated little weasel. Anonymous’ motivations were understandable, maybe even noble. But for real – and positive – change to take place, we need more than a single leader herding us in his/her desired direction. We need a generation shaped by individuals who know enough, who know what they want, and who know how to do it without trampling on the principles that underlie their motivations.

    November 11, 2013

  • On learning.

    Every semester, deadlines get tighter, assignments demand more, my ability to allocate attention to each module wilts a little.

    Was whining about how stretched I feel to Justin, and although at the time I was too vexed to register what he kept saying, one thing he reiterated stood out: That I’m learning and I should be happy about that.

    It’s embarrassing, but I lose track of that goal so often, when it should be intuitive and obvious.

    I’m here to learn. Whatever my grades are ultimately, I get my degree. Yes, getting a better grade can nudge my starting salary margin up by a couple hundred. But really, in the large scheme of things, so what?

    The first time I’ve felt significant academic stimulation was in JC, when I did my first AQ for GP. I loved responding to a prescribed text or topic in a critical manner, without a formal anchor. I remember going, so this is what thinking is. I loved it. JC, although frankly quite challenging, didn’t offer much space for freer discourse though.

    In that gap between graduating and matriculation – probably the longest I’ve gone without school, I started to crave critical thinking. I hoarded information off the net and read endlessly on subjects I never bothered with before.

    But I was used to being spoon-fed, with at least a rough framework to work with, and although valiant my efforts were haphazard and yielded little. At the time I was incredibly excited for Uni, where I would be made to start thinking and knowing again.

    Sem 1 was a dazzle of intellectual frenzy and I loved every moment of it. Political science intro with all it’s fancy new theories, psychology which i’ve wanted to do for years, my comfort zone in literature where everything is always fun and never goes wrong… and then there was my first usp module which near well sent me into the throes of self-doubt, but was also the module I loved the most.

    It was writing and critical thinking on justice and was basically just this intense philosophical module around issues of law and justice in all it’s abstraction and theoretical aspects. It might not seem like much two mods more into uni but right then it was just about the most challenging academic course i’ve had, and i loved every single brain-wringing moment of it.

    I felt like I was really, really engaging with whatever I was learning. I felt like I needed to push myself to understand things, to produce any thing. It was just brilliant and right now what I define real education to be. 

    To be fair, all the modules in my subsequent semesters provide me with the opportunity to feel that as well, especially my USP mods. But at the same time there are additional expectations for more technical aspects of academic work, like formal research and structure. That kinda bogs down my whole enthusiastic freedom learner thing.

    Still.

    I guess, yes, I am very grateful to have the opportunity to learn. And I wish so much to always remember how that is my main objective. As long as I’m applying myself to engage with my material, grades shouldn’t really bother me. The Asian pride in me does want to do well just for the heck of though.

    My mid-semester crisis where I started to doubt my major choice of psych kind of stemmed from its lack of academic freedom/rigor it expected from me, actually. I really love free, unseen critical response. That I need to deal with (and memorize, horror!) facts and figures and have ‘right’ answers kind of turn me off the module.

    I wanted to Psychology because, to me, it’s the most encompassing of all fields (or so I thought). It’s essentially learning about why and how humans work – our behavior, our thought, everything. But now I’m not so sure. Everything is so formulaic, and although yes I can handle it all but it just doesn’t excite me as much as critiquing does.

    Starting to suspect that I’m not as much of a social scientist as I thought……. 0-:

    At the same time, the facts and figures are fascinating. They form the knowledge bulk of academia. My theory is that there are two main facets of learning – knowledge hoarding and critical thinking. I guess we all need both for wholesome learning, but GOD memorizing is so tedious.

    Ngh!!! Mid-sem crisis again.

     

     

     

    November 4, 2013

  • Bizarre dreams

    I’d have a series of unrelated dreams almost every other night, each incredibly vivid.

     Recently I had one where there was a competition of sorts and the champion gets to be pope. The events were like those you find on Japanese gameshows, one of them being this flight of huge stairs SLATHERED with butter and you need to crawl to the top. And when the competition ended, this huge torch of fire blazed in the middle of the cylindrical stadium and some babies that were riding on terrified chickens were put into chariots and carried into the stadium by birds still in their cages (but flying). They flew into the blazing fire and imploded and I woke up. Whuuut.

     So just last night I dreamt that I was a male microbe. Yes a MICROBE. And there was a huge war between all the microbes in the world and the slightly bigger debris. So there were lots of casualties but every time a wave of microbes were sent out and most of them killed, we kept going on about how there are BILLION TRILLION microbes in the world and even if a lot of us are killed we won’t die out. That was basically our strategy against the larger debris. And there was even a darkly comical sequence where I became a human for awhile to have another perspective of the war. And even though in the microbe-level world it was utter chaos, as a human everything was hilariously calm and normal. But if you looked up at dirty corners you could see dustballs quivering strangely… because apparently they are at war with microbes.

     And then I was a microbe again, discussing with an older microbe about the costs of war. We realized that both of us had lost our loved one to the war (I’m somehow often male in my dreams). And both our girlfriends/wives (?) had English names, we had some Chinese name idk omg. And the wise older guy explained that they had English names because they were not natural microbes but man-made ones. So they were… named?! Oh god idk why am I so weird.

    November 4, 2013

  • Yogyakarta, 24th – 28th Sept

    Squandered recess week away with a (study) trip to Yogyakarta.

    It was amazing, and the place was unexpectedly beautiful for a relatively non-touristy area (unlike Bali). Us girls got lucky, we got a cottage with a back door that led directly to this:

     

    Loved our room so, so much. Spacious, rustic, all wood and unpretentiousness. Also, the very impractical outdoor showers where we could be one with nature.

     

     

    Borobudur and Prambanan temple visit.

     

    The people there were zen and had almost no concept of punctuality, which i mean in the nicest way possible. No one was in a rush to go anywhere or do anything, and because of that no one else feels the pressure to rush. Everyone’s just chill all the time, even with waiting for others. I love it.

     

     

     

     

     

     

    One of the greatest factors making this trip so amazing would be the PEOPLE. So, so blessed to have gone with a class full of people with a great sense of fun, and who are as devoted to shopping and eating as i am ahaha (although that’s just most singaporeans so yeah). No interpersonal conflict cropped up (which is rare when it comes to being with close proximity for FIVE DAYS), and in fact each day we just got crazier in our infectious happiness hahaha. The peak of it on the night before our departure, where we laughed continuously and pretty intensely at Pizza Hut, and after that the entire ride back to the hotel. Everyone’s so adorable oh god.

     

     

    AND THE CHEAP FOOD. We went absolutely batshit nuts with grocery shopping on the second last day. Check out our receipts. And also the daily feasting on Magnum (only a buck over there whaaa) and assorted other indo-goodies!

     

    Had the best time there, wish i could go back someday again!

     

    October 7, 2013

  • memory

    I have an incredible autobiographical memory.

    In fact, the further away the time period, the better I remember it and the more vivid they seem. Often I’d recount an event from back in primary school in detail, and my friends involved in these accounts would be like: that happened?!? how do you even remember these stuff???

    I just do. And i’m not entirely sure of it’s a curse or blessing. Because while everyone typically have a tunnel vision towards the future, my childhood – which was a very happy one – insists on being consistently compared to my present.

    Everyone, I think, will feel a sense of loss when reminiscing about the past. For me this is all the damn time because I always remember exactly what happened 10 years ago and the creepy part is that they don’t seem that far back. On my personal timeline they’re just about a couple years back, tops.

    This doesn’t just extend to significant happenings, either. I can in my head picture, vividly, meeting PJ at the exact crossroad. I remember what I’m wearing and what she’s wearing. I remember the route we took towards Hougang mall, I remember the exact location of the shop we stopped at and the exact thing we bought (me – a tuna and a black pepper chicken puff, her – a mushroom chicken puff). I remember sitting at the playground, and the exact timing we went up for science tuition. In fact I can even tell you the questions we were given for that very lesson. It was on the pulley system. The last question asked about the application of force for differing fulcrum placements. I remember PJ and I slathering glue at the top of the paper so that our tutor (we called him Caterpillar Eyes) would get his hand stuck on it while collecting them.

    That was in Primary 4.

    Almost every other memory of that time period I can recall in this amount of detail. I can even remember scents and sounds and texture. It’s difficult for me to believe how long ago that was.

    Sometimes I wish it didn’t because they just reinforce just how much I want to go back to those times.

    September 12, 2013

  • personality tests

    I think the human race, in our desperation to understand ourselves, instead corner our selves into narrow labels.

    We want so much to define our personalities (what myers-briggs are you? what’s your horoscope? are you an introvert or extrovert? are you artistic or logical?) that we forget how various things are.

    There are theories we can use as frameworks to understand aspects of ourselves, but it’s dangerous to try and fit yourself into any one type.

    In doing so we undo our complexity and allow arbitrary descriptions tell us what we should do and what we are capable of, and the last thing we need are unnecessarily brakes on achieving our full capacity.

    September 10, 2013

  • under the weather

    I ought to stop being so ridiculously affected by the weather.

    Have been mired in quite a funk these days. Probably the combined stress of schoolwork, weather, and homesickness. Also nostalgia.

    I find myself missing everything – people, places, times.

    There seems to always be a correlation, much as I wish it didn’t, between my mood and the weather.

    It’s not conscious, and would usually take a couple of days into melancholy before I realize how rainy it has been. It upsets me mostly because I don’t like the idea of my entire self being so wholly manipulated by something this random and changeable.

    But it happens.

    The chinese side of me likes to attribute this to the dominance of sun in my name. 炜 with all that firey fire and 晴 which literally means a bright, sunny day. I’m just innately incompatible with the damp and the cold and the general lack of sunshine.

    That, or I’m a plant reincarnated.

    Rain makes others want to curl up into their cosy beds and feel all safe and protected but no bed, no blanket, no roof can keep the rain from bogging me down.

    All it does to me is make me perpetually moody, needy, and massively hungry. And also unproductive.

    I hate it and I want it to pass so badly.

    I want the sun back.

    I want my summer back.

    September 8, 2013

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