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  • dreams, dreams

    The day before, a slew of dreams.

    One of them with C, again. This time we had the same diagnosis. I thought she would go up with me for the test I so dreaded. “Why should I? I don’t need to anyway.” I thought about it. She’s right, she’d never need to.

    Another one of me rushing into the lift for my appointment. But just as the door closed I noticed a baby right outside. Or I had noticed it before but cast my eyes away from it, concerned with being late.

    The baby was striking blonde with blue eyes. Next to him, a cat and a dog of the same coloring. Just as the door closed in, I dashed out.

    Scooped up the baby, he felt solid, heavy. Ran back into the lift, but the animals followed. The cat, especially, was hostile. It hissed at us, bearing white fangs framed by fair whiskers. Yet I was unafraid. I counted the ascend of the lift, waiting, waiting…

    When the doors once again slid open, I pushed them out. With all my weight kept them out until the doors were shut to them again.

    Then I had to rush, rush to the appointment and make sure the baby remains safe…

    May 22, 2025

  • the body as ____.

    The body as a machine. And what if this machine cannot do what it has been doing — as natural as breathing, and just as essential?

    Since I found out the news, I have had to let go off a series of activities that are part of my daily life. HIIT, running, yoga, pilates, strength. Too much impact. Too much jumping. Too much twisting. Too much core. Too much weight.

    I could not help thinking my body has failed me, against my best efforts. How wrong was I to think that. Against all my working it, my body has protected me. Now it is time for me to be kind to it, and allow it the space to heal.

    For days I felt myself a caged lion. Pacing, restless, erratic energy bouncing off walls. Day one of meditation failed miserably. My mind was in high frequency, as it often is, leaping from one node to another, a scatter and a scribble.

    The only safe, kind way I could move my body, was to confront an old friend / fear of mine: swimming.

    Some background on my fear of water, a near drowning exactly 10 years ago.

    Since then, I have been swimming, intermittently. Baby swims. Recreational swims. Not the many laps, few times a week, solitary swims I used to do — until that happened.

    Even today, I feel that inky fear pool in my tummy and fill my chest again, compelling me to find solid ground with foot. I no longer swam with my head underwater, something I loved to do before. I said swam, because I did it, for the first time (again), today.

    After a few laps of shallow-breathed gulping for air, stemming from confused rhythms, something just –

    clicked. I got it, altogether, all at once. How to dip my head and breathe out, watch the stream of bubbles float above me. How to push the water like an arrow just as I kick right beneath the surface. How to draw my arms in, like reading a book, pulling my shoulders back, the certainty of air, and all over again, a glide, a cadence, a fluid movement.

    I remember now how peaceful it was to swim. To be underwater and watch this quiet belly of the world, no sound, all fuzzy, where you have left thought just above the surface, and here where light distorts in blue, they do not matter.

    I remember now the weightlessness, the feeling of being buoyed as in amniota. Leaving the water, heaving on the heavy clock of life and all its mechanical complexities was so much to bear.

    May 20, 2025

  • Hougang, before I forget

    The mall was once green. Then orange. Today it is a clinical white rimmed with red. But through the years, it has kept that conical funnel panelled by dark tinted glass as its keystone.

    Punggol park: fishing in the pond with my dad, flying kites on weekends, that one playground with a slide that is made up of spinning cylinders that roll you down. Years later, learning how to cycle there with dad, practicing soccer with dad. Practicing skating myself.

    That one cosy little restaurant with al fresco looking out into the pond we fished in, which I loved. Every time we visited – which was not very often – was a special treat. That one time they mistakenly served my family an extra dish.

    The one flat we lived in with the bar with inverted wine glasses hanging and an optical illusion painting (I never saw it). With a central courtyard boxed in by identical buildings. Thirteen floors seeming impossibly high up, that I felt like I was dreaming each time I looked up to find our window from the ground.

    Those evening taekwondo lessons I watched from my thirteenth floor window. That one coffeeshop that made do on most days.

    When my parents’ friends sleptover with their daughter. When us girls would race to the lift lobby to be the first to hit the button.

    My Popo’s place, where I lived for many years – more years than anywhere else. Four floor ups with no lift for most of my childhood.

    The stationary shop, right in front of where the stairs ended, that sold toys and trinkets and an array of stationary I coveted. The friendly uncle with salt and pepper hair and square glasses and his wife with her hair always in a bun, with severe features that belied her own gentleness.

    Taking things on credit, for where would we go? I had to pass them every time I left the apartment.

    Many years later, Uncle had a stroke. That was after their shop space was divided into half, the other leased to a barber. (Today, it is a mala shop). I saw him again, after his retirement, at Punggol park playing a quiet game of croquet. He smiled crookedly back as I ran past and waved.

    Punggol Park. Runing there as an alternative to Hougang > Kovan > Serangoon. Sometimes I ran with Celine. Sometimes we ran at Hougang Stadium. Most times I ran alone. But when we ran together, that one time we passed a heavily breathless fellow runner, and I made a joke: “Luke, I am your father”. Silly things.

    Celine and I, every morning for a few years, at the kerb of my grandma’s neighbourhood, waiting for Shermi and her mom in their minivan. Our ride to school. Many mornings, irritable, Celine annoying me with her slowness. Shermi had the idea to bring beehoon to school, from that coffeeshop where we waited by the kerb. It became a thing at midmorning break: beehoon was banned.

    Still Celine and I, some years later. That very spot we always stood at the crossroads between her house and mine. Always those long, meandering conversations, squeezing the most of our last few moments.

    The MRT. Meeting there to travel together. Celine always the later one. The time Celine brought ice cream in with her and was reprimanded by a staff. The time she whipped out a towel from her bag to dry her still soaking, right out of shower hair once we plopped down on the train. The one time she spilt an entire cup of iced milk tea and it ran the course of many carriages.

    The time we had a massive argument because the escalators on either side of the platform were going up and down in a different direction than usual (but someone insisted it was not different from usual). Asking the station masters for clarity just because we could not let go of our stance (They switched the up and down direction depending on the time of day). I can’t remember who was right. It doesn’t matter anymore.

    Eating banmian at Hougang Mall’s top floor foodcourt with Celine. Having sambal grilled fish pasta with my dad at the same spot. And many years before, eating dinner after school with mom, while Holland V played an iconic scene on the mounted public TV, and my laugh echoed in the once spacious layout.

    Of these many friendships and conversations:

    Taking bus 74 or 147 from CHIJ OLN to my grandma’s home after school, and many times with my mushroom-haired friend, who alighted at the same stop. Meandering through the HDBs with her, although it was the complete opposite of my way home. Just to talk, just to laugh, and play.

    Play. The many times we stayed on campus after school just to do that. The old campus – now a nun’s quarters – for 2 years, where we played Spider with Madeline’s club, or touch the pole with C’s club. Where I arrived at school early and played with ants. Where they had up posters on kidney failure symptoms that terrified me.

    The new campus. When we acted out every scene in Harry Potter. Laughing at Celine during her Brownie duties. The campus with that spiraling stairwell that started with ramps. Planting our own rainbow corn in styrofoam boxes. The mid-building rooftop with those swinging chairs.

    When I would spend endless, endless hours in the school library, finishing the entire fiction section by my graduation, my nose in a book the entire walk from library to bus to home.

    Sometimes it rained, and before a sheltered path was built from bus stop to home, I had to call my Popo from a payphone in school. She would make her way with an umbrella, waiting for me at the bus stop, we would walk home together.

    Years back when I was very young, and was living apart from my Popo, I would sleepover every Friday and through the weekend. On Fridays, traipsing down after dinner to buy candied malt that stuck to teeth, and a bag of Ruffles Sour Cream and Onion (or Cheddar). Friday nights staying up late, lying on the couch and watching anything I wanted with Popo — Wizard of Oz, Huan Zhu Gege, and the many comedic dramas of Zhang Weijian.

    Moving to a new neighbourhood. The soccer field, the basketball court. The void deck, where, when my friends came over, we made and played with water balloons. When we came back up and thought Jiayu was dead (she was not), because the gas stove was on, and she was motionless.

    The many times Kejun came to sleepover. The times Celine and Chloe came, making them trashy lunches of ramen and cheese. Most days being left alone at home to my own devices, and watching too many horror movies than was appropriate for my age.

    And so many years later, bringing K there and being stopped by our MP for a welfare survey.

    Tuition. Mr Caterpillar Eyes. Pranking the tutor with well-placed glue on my homework. Science, primary school. Somewhere in Hougang Central. I never listened, played truant at times. Meeting Chevon to buy meat pies and tuna puffs from the coffee shop and lounging around the playground. The one across the street from Punggol park, with the coffee shop that sells fried chicken and fries.

    This same playground, I visited many other times with Kelicia. Playing silly games. When we graduated to University, studying in the public areas around the void decks. Many years later, I came back to the empty space to practice skating.

    Another tuition, Mr Maran. This time with Celine and Beni. JC. “Put the fella inside the S.”

    Swimming miles and miles in the public pool. Right next to it, Hougang Stadium. Running alone. Those big stadium lights that are too bright in the evenings. During election periods, the stadium being charged with so much fervour that I felt that electric buzz just walking past outside.

    Hiding out in the childhood home I now return to as an adult. Lockdown in perfect safety. My quiet, breezy, cosy little nook in Hougang as the pandemic raged on around it. Glancing out to the river. Skating around. Runs from the river path all the way to Waterway.

    Now, Hougang through the eyes of another, and of an outsider. The walls are whiter. They have cleared the clutter that once caused a fire that licked its way up the fourth floor; a charcoal black that stained for years. Popo came to ours in the middle of the night when it happened. Now, there is a lift. My grandma, 92, still climbs the stairs sometimes.

    May 19, 2025

  • Protected: GE2025 afterthoughts

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  • Why must beauty be pain?

    Why do so many beauty practices, especially for women, necessitate pain?

    From teeth sharpening of the mbenjele, to feet binding in imperial China, to injections and fillers in today’s world.

    Some practices can be explained (although, to me, not justified). Such as squeezing oneself into corsets to achieve an ideal waist-to-hip ratio, since evolution perceives a WHR suggesting high reproductive health to be attractive.

    Others are arbitrary standards of beauty that pass with time. The suffering and permanent damage far surpass the constructed ‘attractiveness’ it promises.

    Many of these painful practices, I have concluded, are a way to signal exclusivity, commitment, wealth, and thus social status. I.e. only when you have the money to survive do you have excess left to spend on fillers. Only the privileged in imperial China bound their feet, for they have access to medical services that ensure their survival after, and servants to carry out the multitude care it requires.

    Even the teeth sharpening of mbenjele, I believe, is a sign that one is ‘committed’ to this arbitrary, but community-defined standard of beauty. The pain is an offering and sacrifice to show one’s extreme devotion to societal standards.

    And it made me think of allll the things we are insidiously influenced – or even pressured – to do to our bodies. I look in horror at pillow faces of who were the most beautiful celebrities. Fillers moving about in faces. Starting skincare or facial augmentative therapies that are the norm these days, but finding oneself unable to just stop going for them any longer.

    Anyway, I have made myself a vow. That I will not cave to needing to maintain my appearance or youth.

    Firstly, I have never been known for being attractive anyway, so why is it of such importance? I’m no celebrity or influencer. As long as I’m keeping my base level of hygiene and am put together, all other preservations or augmentations are unnecessary.

    Secondly, and something I’m very grateful for, is that my husband makes me feel undoubtedly attractive – to him! Which i think all husbands should do. As long as those who love me, and are worth my consideration, are content with my appearance, why should anything else matter?

    Thirdly, I want to start practicing the mindset that it is okay to age, to not look ‘as good as I did before’. To be alright with my face and body changing and not what I used to deem ideal. Undo the ingrained anxiety of ‘not looking good’ by digging deeper and asking ‘so what?’

    I want to be a happy old person, to embrace aging. Not someone inching with dread towards the inevitable of more wrinkles and white hair. Why, really, does it matter so much? If the people who love you still love you? Who are we really trying to impress, or keep up appearances for?

    April 20, 2025

  • This reality

    Sometimes I’m hit with a pang at how fundamentally fucked up beyond repair the world is.

    It’s bone-chilling that we live in an already dystopic world and have been for centuries. In which our basic survival and needs are shackled to a man-made construct: money. More entrenched than ever, and as a result with power more dangerously consolidated than ever.

    Is it not completely illogical and horrifying that work that brings the most, and most direct, value to our lives, such as shit shovelling and trash collection, for health, hygiene, standard of living, are paid the least?

    And the most useless – or most times malignant – work are most highly compensated? For instance any work that makes people spend more, manufacture more, without any positive impact to our well-being, health, survival, or propagation. Beyond a few seconds of dopamine boost. Not only is it a harm to humankind but also the soil we are rooted to. The earth that gave us life.

    Is it not depressing that 99% of us work tirelessly for ONLY, and I stand by this ONLY, the benefit and luxury of the undeserving 1%? I say undeserving because all deserves basic necessities, but NO one person deserves a $2 million piece of accessory, especially at the expense of many, many other’s suffering, but they do.

    I strongly believe no one person should be a billionaire. Or a multi-millionaure. There should be a universal cap on one’s personal wealth, for what one person could need or use so much? Just a tiny fraction of their assets brings about a larger than proportional benefit to individuals, and then a ripple effect to the rest of society.

    When I’m feeling shallow and unthinking, I tell myself I ‘love money’, it’s fine, what’s the point of fighting a system I can never change, why not just work within in and make the best of a futile situation.

    Other days I’m in shock that we let humanity spiral to this state. When such a mood strikes and come face to face with the bleak reality, I question where most of my efforts are expended.

    In my ideal world there is no consumerism. We live to live: eat what we need, socialize, reproduce, have a community, simple entertainment through art and music.

    Currency is but trade of skills. A baker’s loaf for a weaver’s basket. The way it was before the first shekels changed hands.

    It is also in a bout of these musings that I rethink my ‘love’ for money, struck by the irony that I chase after the one thing that oppresses us all, and start thinking about what I can do that doesn’t perpetuate this rot, but rages back at the machine, even a little. Throwing starfish back into the sea kinda thing.

    Ultimately, I’ve not been brave enough to begin on the harder path that aligns with my inner belief. Yet.

    April 16, 2025

  • An ode to spaces lost

    Gillman Barracks

    Exactly 5 years ago, a second date that started everything.

    Galleries, a young artist who paints with a mirror (“the way you spot imperfections is through inversion”).

    That strange short film we watched on deflated beanbags.

    Discovering Handlebar. Every weekend a hike and dinner. Those familiar voices behind masks revealing a face through the years.

    That day K gave me a ring, I spent the whole night watching it sparkle under the strung-up lights that have illuminated so many of our evenings.

    Pearl’s Hill Terrace

    My first internship. Climbing up rooftops for a break. Those moss drenched greek statues and abandoned office chairs.

    Tacos al fresco, tall minty cocktails, picnics in the park.

    Dance classes, hen’s day, up the wet hill with heels for our wedding dance.

    An eclectic mix of flyers — tarot, improv, French, pottery, stuffed squirrels.

    Memories clattering with impatience even as I rush to create more of them. The cling clang of de(con)struction to come. Massive beaks that paint old things a shiny chrome.

    February 16, 2025

  • Movie Review: Leave the World Behind

    It was an extraordinarily rainy day and night in the usually sunny Singapore, a perfect time for a chilling horror film. We settled on the thriller Leave the World Behind. Boy I was not ready for the ride I had unwittingly strapped into.

    Some context: I have consumed my fair share of Thai, Korean, Japanese, and American classic horror, with little trepidation. I’ve watched the supposed scariest of scary — The Exorcist — and LAUGHED because its iconic scene was so comical.

    This film genuinely scared me silly.

    [mild spoilers here] And in the absence of ghosts / spirits / demons, the supernatural, jump scares, gore, or even a classic antagonist to appear on screen.

    So why was I shaking in my seat? Because everything that transpired in the film was eerily likely to happen in our reality, and every day our reality seems to inch forward towards theirs.

    The horror films that have hit hardest with me are always ones about cults, because cults exist and the horrorific acts they commit very real. That is why Rosemary’s Baby, Midsommar, and the likes, were masterpieces in my books. Yet even they, hinged on the possible, have a measure of gore and explicit assaults by baddies.

    In LTWB, the core events started and are happening off-screen. In this contained, still somewhat safe, perimeter, you are watching aftershocks: leaving you to imagine the full extent of horror and the impending fate of our protagonists. Think Bird Box or the Quiet Place, but more removed, and on the other end of the disaster (before, not after).

    You watch the city crumble in a distance and part of the anguish is sitting at the knife-edge between hope, and the growing realization that the inevitable is heading towards you. (Or, maybe it won’t?)

    [Mild spoilers] The scene in which an oil tank approaches the shore, first indifference, then ignorance, then the dawning realization of danger — perfectly sums up the family’s (and their individual) reaction to what’s happening.

    Leave the World Behind had excellent pacing. For the first half of the film, tension is pulled to just the right taut. The parallel escalation to a climax, drawn by each groups’ adventures, was exquisite.

    It built up sufficient clues, yet left enough ambiguity in the first third, leaving room for many possibilities; resolving them patiently and neatly as the story unfolds, without contrivity. You have to pick up the links yourself, it never hits you in the face.

    I love also that characters and their narratives were kept consistent. An possible apocalypse is no time for 180° change in character, but aspects of their personalities that are latent in everyday life may manifest — they did, and did so believably!

    The camera works, sound design, and directorial choices were – i’m running out of positive descriptors – par excellence. I appreciated that the director brought back the ‘horror score against silence’, ‘slow zoom-ins for a suspense’. It was incredibly well done, standing out as a stylistic enhancement, when it could easily have been jarring if done wrong.

    Other directorial highlights are the strange phenomenon of animals, jets, ships — these large-scale abnormalities reminded me of the best and creepiest parts of NOPE.

    Most of all, LTWB had a certain restraint that many new movies lack, in a time where blockbusters are prone too BIG, DRAMATIC moments to top predecessors.

    This restraint lent a rawness and realness to the characters and their responses to the world, and is why it was terrifying.

    Besides that, I loved Ethan Hawke in this film. Never knew he was such a funny guy. He plays his role as naive professor well and every micro expression and action was spot on. I couldn’t help liking his character immensely, he makes me laugh, even when unintended, every time he’s in the scene!

    January 11, 2025

  • Book Review: The Dispossessed by Ursula K. Le Guin

    50 years after it’s publication, The Dispossessed remains relevant as ever. Le Guin presents to us a world of anarchy — not dystopian chaos as the word has come to connote (itself telling in our world’s mistrust of decentralization) — but a functioning society without centralized rule, not without its failings.

    Le Guin writes with shocking clarity of what a viable anarchy could look like through the eyes of Shevek, a theoretical physicist in anarchic Anarres. Perhaps the true genius lies in her clever juxtaposition with Urras, a capitalist society not unlike ours, to which Shevek travels.

    I can do no true justice to this novel through an analysis, and will instead share some choice observations of Shevek, a view of our society through the eyes of a true anarchist.

    On anarchic Anarres:

    “He could not rebel against his society, because his society, properly conceived, was a revolution — a permanent one, an ongoing process. To reassert its validity and strength, he thought, one need only act, without fear or punishment and without hope of reward: act from the centre of one’s soul.”

    “But what keeps people in order? Why don’t they rob and murder each other?”

    “Nobody owns anything to rob. If you want things you take them from the depository. As for violence, well, I don’t know; would you murder me, ordinarily? And if you felt like it, would a law against it stop you? Coercion is the least efficient means of obtaining order.”

    On capitalistic Urras:

    “He had not been free from anything [in Anarres]: only free to do anything. Here, it was the other way round. Like all the students and professors, he had nothing to do but his intellectual work: literally nothing. The beds were made for them, the rooms were swept for them, the routine fo the college was managed for them.”

    “The matter of superiority and inferiority must be a central one in Urrasti social life. If to respect him [an Urrasti] had to consider half the human race [women] as inferior to him, how then did women manage to respect themselves—did they consider men inferior? And how did all that affect sex-lives?”

    Rated 5/5

    November 9, 2024

  • Book Review: I Who Have Never Known Men by Jacqueline Harpman

    By the recommendation of a dear friend, I picked up this compact novel — a delightful morsel I devoured in two days, putting me in a mood that lasted for even more.

    A reviewer described this as a ‘pastoral dystopia’, which is a succinct, accurate description of the setting. I say ‘setting’ specifically, than ‘genre’, because its true genre stripped of the sci-fi cloak, is that of humanness and humanity.

    At its core, it is about finding meaning: what it means to be human in context of others, within a community, and especially to be a human woman. It is about how memory, hope, loss, loneliness, and death informs this search.

    The dystopian setting is but an excellent vehicle and vessel in the exploration of these themes. The plot is driven by the whats, hows and whys. The characters and reader alike are kept desperate to know the truth of what led to their present. Rather than tiresome philosophical musings of ‘humanness’, these questions naturally arise in the more tantalizing and concrete search for clues on what had happened in this post-apocalyptic not-Earth.

    It is a tightly written novel, every word serving their purpose. And in its simplicity of prose, the depth of our narrator’s frustrations, joys, and aloneness rings clear — a note of tragedy you cannot rid of in your head after.

    Harpman meticulously constructs a world that gives the nostalgia a unique flavor: the narrator always had enough for survival. There was no real, explicit danger. She experienced and witnessed love and companionship, she had a vague concept of a ‘normal life’, though always second-hand and beyond her comprehension. She had a community for most of her life, yet it was fragile, tenuous, and steadily frittering away.

    The implicit confusion, longing, and displacement of the unnamed narrator is reminiscent of Kathy H’s yearnings in Never Let Me Go (to be human, woman, loved). And the other 39 women and their opaque, not quite reachable memories of a past life? They are a neat parallel to one of my favorite post-pandemic wasteland fics, Station Eleven. If you liked either books, you will likely enjoy this title.

    I recommend listening to the Carpenter’s rendition of The End of The World as you read, or after you read this. It will do a number to your heart.

    Now if you have a masochistic streak and want to sink into the sublime pit of dystopian nostalgia (yup, join the gang), try also Anyone Who Knows What Love Is, a choice pick from one of the earlier Black Mirror episodes.

    October 3, 2024

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