Life. It goes by so, so quickly in university.
Although i do complain quite a fair bit about the stress, the never-ending workload (it really is never-ending), the lack of time for myself, it’s admittedly all pretty exciting. The kind of hectic i’ll miss when i’m one day stuck in a 9 to 5.
But it’s always like this. When i was in St Nicks i missed the carefree days in primary. In Hwach i wanted every day to return back to St Nicks. And now in uni i find myself craving those Hwachong days i swore i’d never want to go through again. I’m kind of resigned to the fact that every stage i’d only wish to go back a little further. It’s not that i’m unhappy, it’s just that i was happier back then. Still. I’m good, because with that resignation comes the realization that someday this will be a time i want back so i’d better savor it now.
I can say this partly because i’m home molesting my desktop that beautiful beast with it’s solid black keys and widescreen display.
1.
Another one of the mugs leaving tomorrow.
It sunk in earlier in the week when i was alone in my room and it was so frightening i suppressed it, so right now i’m still in part-denial. Instead of feeling that fear of not being able to see Xin for a long, long time, i feel excited about seeing her tomorrow. Like i’ve forgotten the context of why exactly i’m seeing her. Let’s hope i can keep this up (as i did with Cath’s send off – by wearing a ridiculous frog mask and singing Happy Days whenever that panic rises). After that, one more to go (Gee), and the rest of the mugs will somehow have to survive this through sheer power of the will and lots of mutual WEH-ing. I’m scared and i don’t want them to leave but, what to do what to do.
2.
Today being a guinea pig for RP i was made to write briefly about what i thought i’d feel and think at my moment of death. I wrote what i’d already known for awhile: that i’ll feel no fear, maybe relief, maybe even a perverse kind of curiosity and excitement to knowing what comes next, that the sadness will only flood in when i think about the people i’d leave behind, a perhaps narcissistic sadness because i imagine their grief to be incredibly crippling for them.
But then i continued writing. In that split second every emotion, thought, sensation you’ve had in your life will concentrate into a single point experienced in that very moment. I’d feel alive – more alive and more aware of my alive state than i’ve ever had, i’d feel so intensely my sense of being that i’ll finally understand what it is to live. And then BAM comes my anti-climatic (or not really) death.
Such theatrics.
3.
Trying to eat my way back to a healthy looking weight i really am trying but it’s not working, but probably too early to tell. :-/ Googling ‘food to eat to gain weight’ everyday and accordingly drinking cartons of soy milk and papaya milk daily (ok fine for boob growth also). Apparently fats from junk and sugar will go to all the wrong places so i’m trying hard to bulk up instead with what the internet calls ‘healthy fats’ like nuts and stuff. But i generally fail at life and cannot make myself injest nuts unless it’s almonds implanted innocuously in a decadent Hershey’s bar. Story of my life today. I cannot resist chocolate in fact i want chocolate really badly now and i shall go get some.
4.
I’ve come to an age where i can really appreciate the people i love. Random texts from old friends, new friends, friends around me, friends far away. I feel secure in the knowledge that all around there are people i may not spend every second with, but are there for me. I think the sense of this comes from my living habits now. I wanted a people-routine free environment, where i don’t stick to the same bunch of people, where i don’t have to meet the same people every day, i live by myself and by my own choices. Time and direction is made and broken by only myself. That has made me acutely aware of how when i need a friend there’s always, always somewhere there. I’m lucky because a few of them are right here with me in RC, but it’s not just them – it’s everyone else i’m close to all over the place, in Singapore or not. It’s like this amniotic sac of close friends-ness i’ve finally settled in and feel completely secure about and it makes me happy. I don’t know. It was after texting Nat about not seeing her for a long time, and reassuring each other that we’ll always still be close no matter that made me think about everyone else and feel just so damn grateful for all of them. It’s rare for anyone to have close friends they perfectly trust and are at ease with, most can’t think of more than five, i can go further than ten and it’s the one thing in life i’m very proud of. Also i feel very loved by the family and every day i am newly impressed by the boyfriend and am reminded again of why we’re dating. RIGHT NOW I LOVE PEOPLE and am so full of people-affection even i’m slightly disgusted.
5.
ALSO, INSANELY EXCITED FOR MAF ON SUNDAY where i get to see the A16 girls again!!! Our mini-Whatsapp uni support group, food recommendation updates and random visits keep me going~
6.
I can paint my own nails really well.
7.
Screw the workload and stress and impossible schedules i can take it because I AM STRONG.
Q 