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Just two years ago in class I remember our teacher asking if anyone still believed in true love.

I remember myself raising my hand immediately with an almost foolish, quite embarrassing certainty. I can’t recall if anyone else did the same but if so, there weren’t many.

Why? I was asked.

If there’s just one example of true love in my life, I replied, I believe in it – and there is one: my parents.

It’s almost funny, the funny thing being my foolish certainty then because obviously two years later they aren’t together anymore.

It is also funny how now, despite that, I still do believe in true love.

Sometimes I believe they still do love each other, but that love alone cannot make us ignore the stupidity, the illogic, and the complexity we are all fraught with.

Loving each other doesn’t mean you get to live together happily and without friction.

Heck, loving each other doesn’t even mean you get to stay together, period.

So why do I still, now, believe in true love? Firstly because I believe that true love is a choice, sometimes a difficult one.

I believe that there are people strong enough who’d make that choice again and again no matter how difficult it gets. I guess all that my parents did was make me stop believing that they’re as strong as I thought they were.

And if there isn’t such a person in my life I’d become one. I’d be my own example and my own reason to believe in true love.

That is all.

February 8, 2013
the night I lost my mind my ears were wet and cold and the room quiet from my swallowed cries. I chased the tick of the clock tock in the stark silence. The ceiling opened up. It was bright and they slipped apart, almost happily. Feels free. Feels easy, all I have to do is to repeat the same things over and over. Over and over, over and over, over and over. It is good and safe because nothing will go wrong. I don’t know myself any more but at least nothing will go wrong.

January 23, 2013
377A

For a Christian and a potential political science undergraduate, i’d say i’m unusually ambivalent on all the major politico-religious issues out there. In a way it’s because i don’t want to settle on a stand before i’m wiser or learned enough.

But as an observer to The Homosexual Issue for more than ten years since i’ve coherently given the topic serious thought, i’ve finally come to conclusion: that everyone should mind their own business and stop asserting their personal beliefs on others.

Being in an IJ school at an impressionable age granted me a very strange, albeit interesting outlook. Firstly, of course, the strong Catholic influence at a young age planted a natural tendency to see homosexuality as ‘unnatural’. At the same time, it was a girls’ school, and an IJ one at that. That combination led organically to a hotbed of lesbians. Yes, at age 9 I bore witness to girls making out in dark alleyways while roaming around innocently eating curry puffs after school. So while ‘unnatural’, homosexuality also became – sort of – a norm!? A quarter of my school went through that whole homosexual experimental phase.

My take on it then was that homosexuality was constructed, and that people can’t possibly be born with it. This was derived partly from my own heterosexual orientation, the observable microcosm of society I had with its instances of sapphism, and what was taught to me religiously. It was just a personal opinion that I’ve never endeavored to solidify, but it remained my stance for years.

But over the years I’ve got to know people – sensible, real people, who are homosexual. There are plenty at my age – I suspect – who are still confused, still experimenting; but there are those who are undeniably homosexual; born – naturally and without the ability to change their predilection – to love the same gender. And once I was sure of that, there was no argument – they deserve every right heterosexual couples are given.

While I believe in God, I also believe in homosexuals. I don’t see the two as mutually exclusive. There are too many cogent arguments in support of gay marriages that do not contend or contradict with biblical beliefs, I don’t have to offer any more of them. What I do know is this: love is love is love. And if I love someone, there is no reason why I should be in any way condemned or disadvantaged.

In no way should I superficially be accepted but obviously categorized as ‘abnormal’, which I think is what is happening locally. The general political consensus right now is that homosexuals are allowed to lead their lives ‘freely’ and pursue their social activities, but within limits – in particular, they are not to ‘promote’ their homosexual ‘lifestyle’. I have never felt like homosexuals are in any way ‘promoting’ their choice. The reason why there is a pro-homosexual voice in society now is because they are rigorously restricted (a blatant message to society that what they’re born to be should not be accepted) and as ANY person indignantly oppressed for being who they naturally are, they make noise.

Homosexuals do not ‘promote’ their lifestyles. Heterosexuals do. We actively promote the ‘conventional’ family unit of father, mother, children – to the extent of forbidding any exception. Homosexuals are not asking others to be homosexual, all they are asking is for a right for them to be it. TO BE THEMSELVES. Which in my opinion is a very admirable non-intrusive attitude we should all adopt. Basically, the more intense the attempt to shelf this ‘lifestyle’, the louder they will get.

I do understand why a heterosexual will see homosexuality as abnormal and unnatural. Because, to be honest, I do too. I mean, obviously, if I loathe olives and can never see myself enjoying them, I can never understand how another can. It might seem disgusting to me. But in the same way, homosexuals cannot understand the sexual appeal of the opposite sex. To them, heterosexuality is unnatural. And if they truly feel this way, I cannot – in all logical sensibilities – tell them that they are wrong. It is a bloody tendency they are just… BORN with.

All I did was imagine myself as a heterosexual born in a homosexual world, with all the existing prejudices homosexuals are subjected to reversed and imposed on me – and it just made complete sense for us to stop. Stop making them so miserable for just.. being. It’s wrong. It’s bullying a black kid for being in a predominantly white playground. It’s morally wrong:

Making someone pay for having done NOTHING that harms or would harm another is morally wrong.

The one creed I wholeheartedly believe in is to love everyone and not to do harm on another. Legalizing homosexual marriage, as far as I can imagine, will do actual harm to NO ONE. Retaining 377A will, in one sweeping motion, disallow an entire group of people – many of which good and honest – from doing what the Christian God teaches one to: love.

The problem, I think, is that many people are still incapable of seeing homosexuals not as homosexuals but as people – which they are: before anything else, they are men and women. They are just.. us. With different preferences. If we think of them as people who want to love another, it seems counterintuitive to prevent them from. It’s this arbitrary distinction we’ve made between homosexuals and heterosexuals that makes it so difficult to see them as people with the right to want what they naturally want, and makes it difficult for us to understand that all homosexuality means is a different preference.

Like I’ve said before, I was pretty much ambivalent/apathetic about the whole issue, and had assumed that most people were tolerant, if not accepting. But a pretty horrifying number of people, I’ve discovered on the internet today, are just pure NASTY about homosexuality without the grounds to be so. Not only are their comments crude, they are out to hurt. About homosexuals being a disappointment to their parents (punctuated with smug, evil little smiley faces), and something about filthy shit sex or wtv.

And I was just like dude. You just. don’t. say that. To homosexuals or ANYONE unless they raped someone’s child and dumped the body in a lake. So far, anti-gays have not given me a single cogent, convincing argument that hasn’t been properly debunked by the opposite camp. All I’m getting is a bunch of insensitive, unfounded assaults that make the homosexual cause seem very, very much worth fighting for to me.

So yes, I guess after 10 years of observation I’ve made my conclusion and I do wish it hadn’t been such an easy one because the way in which heterosexuals are damning homosexuals almost makes me ashamed to be a heterosexual.

That is about all.

January 22, 2013
Now

It’s a week before school re-opens I am sitting in bed listening to ben’s original records eating french toasts in chili dip chain reading from the fan of books i now sleep with flooding justin on whatsapp, Thursday midnight.

I wish to immortalize this moment. Because I’m born to do this not go for lectures everyday.

I need the holidays too much. The freedom the boredom the sheer almost obscene decadence of sleeping in and lying in bed for the entire day, the productivity when I’m up for it, starting 2013 splendidly and meeting the people I love. Can I just live this forever, please?

January 10, 2013
Wallflower

Soooooo i just read the Perks of being a Wallflower (stolen copy from my sister), and it was just as i suspected…

SEVERELY OVERRATED.

It was actually pretty bad, with the cardinal sin of being pretentious and hyped. Three pages in, Charlie started irritating me. Isn’t he supposed to be INTELLIGENT? He sounded not only ignorant, but also like a kid suffering from Asperger’s. Reminiscent, almost, of Christopher from The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time. Except Christopher was SUPPOSED to be like that, they socially oblivious because that was what the book was about. In Perks, Charlie, i suppose, is suffering from post-traumatic disorder (which which as sem 1 psych student with an A- i can tell you is nothing like Charlie’s affect). Or is it because he is ‘introverted’ and ‘socially awkward’? Introverts are usually the most ruminative and eloquent so, nope.

Well okay but i wasn’t expecting much, really. Any novel-turned-motion-picture that my sister purchases tend to be shit anyway. It’s like my sister has this thing about reading literature that i abhor. ANYWAY. I’m alright with it being shitty, i just don’t like the hype surrounding it. And what gets to me most about the hype? THE QUOTES.

Really, people.

Do you even KNOW what’re you’re quoting? In fact, did CHBOSKY know what he was writing and did he do so deliberately intent on spawning millions of die-hard wannabe hipster romantics littering online media with strings of words that do not make sense? Ok see, i wouldn’t mind if i was swamped with overused by clever quotes. The ones in Perks aren’t clever. They’re just PRETTY. They just sound like they mean something deep and ~infinite~. It doesn’t MEAN anything much. It’s just a twinkly ornament you’re putting up on your porch that has no practical function besides being twinkly.

But that’s okay. Prettiness is a thing i can live with. What i am NOT okay with, is when people INSIST that this twinkly piece of junk has some sort of pragmatic use and refuse to admit that they just want to prettify your porch. It’s so.. i don’t.. even. anymore.

Something needs to be done. Therefore:

Top 3 Perks of Being a Wallflower Quotes Everyone Loves and Use ~Infinitely~ With Much ~Emotion~ But In Fact Means Nothing

1. “Charlie, we accept the love we think we deserve.”

BEHHHH, wrong. If the entirety of history has taught us one thing, it is that human beings are utterly INCAPABLE of balancing their want of something with the perceived amount of need. Haven’t you noticed that (while not always true), there is a general trend for the insecure to end up with someone completely devoted to them; the confident ironically with someone who seem nonchalant towards him/her? The theory is that the less confident thrives on the assurance and affection (but would never believe him/herself to be deserving of, thus perpetuating the sense of insecurity – which usually manifests in neurotic and abusive behavior towards the partner [we’ve all heard that one, the possessive ex who’s always on his/her partner’s case despite partner’s almost foolish devotion], but that’s for another day). And that you see the typically assured, assertive type deliquesce in a helpless mess with someone who treat them like, as Sam would say, nothing. Is that because the secure type believes they ‘deserve’ this amount of attention? N-uh it’s more of a challenge for them, the need to acquire something or someone you currently don’t possess. It is only with underlying confidence of success that you’d set up to pursue someone apparently out of your grasp.

Generally, the theory of accepting the love we think we deserve isn’t as universal as people believe it to be, while of course it may hold in some instances. Furthermore, it is a truism. It’s something we all inherently know can be true at some point of time, but is given the attention only when inserted pretentiously into a pretentious book. So while i can’t say it’s totally untrue, i don’t understand why it’s such a huge deal.

Such a huge deal that people are fervently making this their life motto, getting it permanently inked on themselves or spending hours prettifying the quotes on their moleskin notebooks then snapping a million shots of it for Instagram. No, people. Bad. Stop. I can give you another right now: We seek the love we think we’d never get. This is another sometimes applicable truism you may now obsess over. Enjoy.

2. “And in that moment, I swear we were infinite.”

This one always gets to me, firstly because it so obviously reeks of pretention. Secondly, it’s kind of a sore spot for me because i used to be quite in love with describing all things as ‘infinite’ thinking it made everything beautiful and touching and delicate and literary.

BUT I GREW OUT OF IT K AND SO SHOULD EVERYONE ELSE.

Sure, infinite – the quality of being vast and limitless and forever and.. it’s just pretty isn’t it? It’s alluding yourself to a concept we can almost never comprehend, it’s putting yourself on the league of the entire universe (which by itself is kinda assuming isn’t it?).

But c’mon people. Isn’t it just a weeee bit overused? Also, it’s the lazy way out of everything. Like the semantics of the word, the function of infinite is, also, infinite. You can use it on almost everything. It’s like a statement pair of jeans you used to complete all your looks. Classy and complementary and always looks good. Except after the fifth dinner party your friends would be wondering if you ever put them in the wash.

We need to find another pair of jeans, world. This infinite thing has gone too far especially when everyone marveling at it as if it’s their first time coming across such a wonderfully convenient word. It doesn’t even mean that much. All it says, in other words, is that “oh. right now i feel limitless.” alright maybe i’m leaving out a lot of it’s nuances, but you get what i mean. Enough is enough.

3. “Welcome to the island of misfit toys.”

Made popular by the film trailer, also a brillant sifter of readers from non-reading movie-goers posed as one. I give it the credit for being a somewhat clever reference to Rudolph’s and way less mawkish than the above two. But it’s just that – a reference, and one that has been around for ages and ignored because it wasn’t framed by the prettiness of mass media manufactured indie-ness.

I think what sits wrong with me about the whole affair is the way people are holding on to these scraps as if they were the most personal, uniquely tailored, unconventional concepts they’ve ever encountered and are thus ardently proud of. When in fact it’s just mediocre and made even more mediocre because of the entire popular appeal the media hype has churned out.

There are millions and millions of quotes beautiful and personal only to you that can be found if you actually bother reading books that aren’t just on Kinokuniya’s best seller shelf. This whole jumping on the film wagon thing is the easy way out to finding books you love. It’s almost like buying a pair of jeans that’s advertised all the rage that fit but not perfectly and thinking it’s the best you can find just because you were too lazy to shop for and try on other pairs of jeans. Also, everyone i wearing the same pair of jeans as you.

And i do not understand my excessive use of apparrel analogy either. Kthnxbye.

December 29, 2012
18 days late

I’m 18 days late, but what does it matter.. unless i’m talking about my period which i’m not, so –

anyway.

where was i? right, thanksgiving.

this year, i feel, was a little more difficult than before. generally because it’s a year of fundamental changes of both the good and bad variety. but sorting them out in my head kind of helped me feel a little better about everything. in a way, the things i’m grateful for this year has ceased to be events-based.. they’re more of a deeper appreciation of what i’ve always had that was made apparent only by the less pleasant changes.

1.

first and foremost, i’ll have to give thanks for cathy and xin and gee. i don’t know why humans function this way, and why we – despite being conscious of it – cannot help but commit it over and over again: we never appreciate things fully until they’re not within reach. i’ve always appreciated them three, and with the constant feed on whatsapp i’d never feel distant from them, but i do miss the comfort and familiarity of their material presence. it’s a little strange to be giving thanks for friends being away from you, but here i am doing it.

i’m thankful that they are away, for awhile, because a) i know that it’s good for them, and they’ll love their time there b) it gives me a certain sort of joy to know that no matter how far away they are or how long it will be until i see them, we still love each other the same way we always have c) it makes me realize just how much i need/needed them in my life.

this christmas, i’m thankful that cathleen will be back with us. i’m thankful for gee and xin who will be having a real. white. angmoh. christmas, even though i can’t spend it with them. and i’m thankful for this gap, so that subsequent christmases with them around will be especially beautiful.

2.

i’m thankful for friends, all of them.

for acquaintances new and old – people i’ve only met a couple of months sending emails to make sure i’m coping well, old friends ringing me up to ask how i am, even getting to be in the same campus as primary school friends again (that part is amazing because i love all the nuts from OLN).

and then for the close friends who are always, always there. the mugs, the hwachong girls, the st. nicks bunch, the cap kids, and that few random ones i love so bloody much…it’s an absolute blessing to have even a couple of friends you can fully trust, be at ease with, and have superb fun with. and then here i am with a whole bunch of them. mostly it makes me feel guilty, because in my neurotic moments i’m reluctant to relinquish some time for them they duly deserve from me. but that comes the second part of this thanksgiving:

i’m very, very grateful for POST. EXAMS. where my need to meet EVERYONE i miss skyrocketed and i’m doing nothing but saying YES YES YES to all meet ups i love all of you.

hi, i really do. no matter which friend you are reading this just know that you are ver ver precious to me and thank you very much i mean that so sincerely you are beautiful xx thank you.

3.

for Transience and for Chasing Yesterday.

i’ve been itching for some theater after the stagnant jc days and then boom: Transience, i’m guessing one of the most magical theater experiences i’ll ever have. no, make it one of the most magical experiences i’ll ever have in MY. LIFE. it’s not just about performing. Transience was about creating something i love with people i love – and God i am so terribly, painfully in love with it and thankful that it happened.

by extension i’ll have to thank cleo and gee for coming up with this whack job idea and infecting us with faith that it’ll work (it did. so well.)

Chasing Yesterday was my first time with the conventional scripted/directed thing – after having gone scriptless, improvisational and self-directed all these years. I’m grateful because a) it taught me SO MUCH NEW STUFF!?! b) the people i worked with? i respect a lot, for their skillz and attitude. c) it kept me occupied – which yes i whine a lot about – but somewhere deep down i know i secretly love being caught up and busy and stressed. i’m just like that.

4.

i’m grateful for my room in Cinnamon.

i’ve come to love it’s quiet and how it smells like me.

today morning i stood in the bare room and the echoic sounds made in that sparse space made me a little sad, but it’s okay because next semester i’ll be back~

5.

even though my family isn’t as close as before, i’m grateful for them individually. for wherever they’ve failed, they never fail to love me. i can’t help it man, i’m like the treasure of the family. it’s like all their energy and love is directed towards me and no matter how much they cross each other, it is never towards me. k now you know where my narcissism derives from – it’s from the unconditional positive regard (read: Rogers) i receive from my parents, my grandma (who can i add is madly in love with me), and my sister who baked chocolate chip muffins and delivered them all the way to my place during my exam period. and it’s not just them, it’s my aunts who constantly make sure my every need and want is satisfied, worrying about me even at their busiest. k i need to stop now because i’m nauseating myself with equal amounts of pithy and self-regard.

i’m thankful for a family where everyone gives me unconditional love. thassal for now.

6.

since i’m now in mode: narcissism, i might as well say this:

i’m thankful for my talents. or at least my discovery of them this year. although i can’t seem to write anymore (still upset), boredom drove me to experiment with a variety of skills i’ve never bothered to try before. photocopying, for one. i can’t really call it art because all i’m doing is replicating faces, but ok if i stick with it i’ll be able to create greater things one day.. i hope.

amanda and i were briefly discussing talent the other day, and we concluded that everyone has the innate ability to do things well. many times we just don’t realize it because we either presuppose we aren’t inclined to excel, and by extension do not try at all. my theory is that if you go into it thinking you WILL do it and do it well (until proven wrong), you’d be able to produce something good.

7.

and for justin. frankly i think both of us started out not having much expectations but without realizing it we grew a lot as not just a couple but as friends. i’m thankful for finally being able to understand what they mean by having your best friend as your loverzx as well. and i’m ver grateful that it’s him i can share it with.

because i am shy and before the risk of having this entire space melting into a maudlin mess, i’ll stop.

thank you for 2012. if the world ends by the end of it, i think i’m alright with that.

December 10, 2012
THIS HOLIDAY I WILL

1.

Read.

Or rather, find books good enough to read.

When i was younger i read indiscriminately, the good the bad the obscene – i wasn’t even limited to fiction, i read every single movie synopsis in the monthly cable magazines.

Over the years with refining i’m finding it harder to sit through books the way i used to. Not because i’m losing interest in reading, because once i get hold of something i like i latch on to it for hours and would compulsively finish it in a single sitting.

Thing is, i don’t find such books anymore. So often i get disappointed by the promising premise but bland writing, or else beautiful writing that goes no where which frankly gets tedious.

This December i hope i get lucky. I miss the times i’d just lie in bed the entire day devouring novel after novel diving straight into them without the distance of literary judgement.

2.

Leagueeeeeee. I wanna get better at the game without getting panicky when i screw up or emotionally over-investing in what my team says or will think of my skillz why am i so shit why.

3.

Not spiral down the pothole of TV watching.

Oh, cable. OH, CABLE YOU TEMPTRESS. First day home after my finals and it was just: “OOH Monk is on! Omg! Masterchef! Okay let’s do something prod- CASTLE. I haven’t watched that for ages! How I Met Your Mother marathon?! AMG FRIENDS RERUNS.”

And then the day ended. With me lying in bed watching TV.

And my grandma the enabler DID NOT HELP, she brought in all my snacks and meals and (i’m not even kidding) booze right up to the bed. I evolved into this middle-aged unemployed balding man for that stretch of time it was decadent and very shameful.

I will not let myself degenerate like so! PRODUCTIVITY.

4.

Sketchhh because i’ve not done it for too long and my fingers itch. Besides, it’s a great training for concentration. Something that’s eroded throughout Sem 1.

5.

WRITE. Which I realized comes about when I read novels that inspire me somehow. I blame my barren creative wasteland on the dearth of worthy literary input, I really do.

)-:

6.

CATCH UP WITH ALL MY FRIENDS.

Amg I miss everyone so much especially those in SMU/NTU/overseas.

7.

MUGS VLOG. This must be done betches.

December 3, 2012
43

After weeks of scarfing down chocolates and monitoring and making sure i eat a monstrous amount everyday: 43kg.

Still counting every pound, still preoccupied with getting enough in, still worried i’d either lose again or put on waaay too much. LIFE WHY YOU SO TOUGH. But then again, yay this is a great place to be.

Thank you: friends. Beni and Rei and Celine for stocking up my food supply all the time.

Also now i can quit being so preoccupied with getting food in, a happy relief because

a) money spent on food amounts up to a scary considerable sum, boo.

b) i don’t like force feeding myself. at all.

c) it becomes a preoccupation i don’t think i can handle like a reverse eating disorder thing.

d) i haven’t done any form of exercise in ever and tbch i feel gross. and sleepy a lot.

In other news:

*~D&D SUNDAY~*

Which was basically Justin being a serious and efficient dungeon master, and everyone else trolling around as usual.

We actually. managed. to:

a) NOT KILL/VERBALLY ABUSE DUNGEON MASTER. As we did to Celine in our first attempt. I’m not sure if she has yet recovered from the trauma.

b) MANAGED TO GET DECENT CHARACTERS OUT. Despite Rei’s shitty stats lol KARMAAAA. Although the decency does Not extend to coherent names. Everyone has ridiculous names i can’t take anyone seriously anymore. (Shien: SHO KIM UN, half-Korean, half-elf Barbarian. Ridic.)

c) Not have the DM kill us all before the game begins – a very tempting thing to do, given the general annoying disposition of our group. I love that boy sm he has overcome the hell that is us.

And then the dungeon party degenerated to a few of us, and when there’s nothing to do:

ICE-CREAM @ The Daily Scoop / SHEREENIPOO

And later trekking over to SMU to find Shreeeen WHICH IS AN AMAZING ADVENTURE FOR REI AND I because we have not been in town for too long the poor deprived U-Town syndrome aw.

Seeing Shereen was great.. but in context, kind of heartpainheartpain. I hate seeing my friends all exhausted, stressed out, and not able to see them regularly despite that…… it kind of sucks? :’-(

Yes, yes it’s a week to finals but ah heck. EVERYBAHDY DESERVES A BREAK.

It was good though… sometimes i forget how at ease and how liberating it is to be with the mugs. My brain hurt a little from all the noise and general chaos they made because i wasn’t used to it, but it was a good kind of hurt. Like when you preggers and childbirth: a pain that comes with love (and blood and shrieking) (what a brilliant analogy).

Also YES if you’re here on account of my recent Facebook page i have nabbed myself a pseudo-caucasian boy as i always promised i would it’s been awhile already and yes i ams veh happy gurl and gross blabla. Thank you to friends who texted me to express effusively their well-wishes and (mostly) amusement.

…

I love my friends i really do AND ALSO ALL THOSE I HAVEN’T BEEN ABLE TO MEET UP WITH IMY please come UTown visit me!~

FINALS?

WHAT FINALS?

November 19, 2012
beautiful inside

fridays, you wake up and for that tiny moment before adjusting to reality you’re in the cradle of the universe for that tiny moment you remember your place in that entirety of the world it’s all around you not in you and suddenly you know that everything is and will be alright. saturdays, free fall into comfort whole and together because you don’t care about anything but the here and now and you’re you again and again and again. sundays, a string of old names and how fond you are of them.

November 15, 2012
Back

The lack of posts is not without a reason.

Have been crazy busy the past weeks. A destroyed Macbook rendering me helpless, rehearsals thrice a week, assignments due…

BUT NOW I’M FREE(ER).

Chasing Yesterday with NUS Stage on 31st Oct/1st Nov was amazing. Got to work with insanely talented people, had ridiculous costume changes, played around with ingenious set designs. Although i was kinda silly to jump in in my first sem without finding out what the commitment level would be like, on hindsight i would have done it again anyway.

Right now I have a backlog of work to deal with… if you count eating chips while listening to Disney music with my laptop on dealing with it. Promise i’d post more often and more substantially kkk.

November 4, 2012

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