the one thing about us humans is that we are all, inadvertently, selfish. this does not refer only to the motive behind malicious actions, but even those that appear altruistic.

it’s like this: even when we truly, wholly want to do good – and a large part of us does it for the benefit of others – the key spur lies in our subconscious desire for the self-satisfaction (and subsequent self-assurance of our character) that comes WITH doing good. ultimately, and inevitably, it’s all about us. (i know i sound like ris low here, but in fact she is a perfect analogy for my case: if you strip one of all her secondary intelligences and social awareness [you get a ris low], she would very confidently tell you that ‘it’s all about me’.)

when it comes right down to it, it is. EVERYTHING we do is about us. and there’s nothing wrong with that. it’s nature; we are built this way. our primal brothers were concerned mainly for survival, and the sense of community came about only when we started establishing relationships and realizing that if another were to be hurt, we will somehow be affected in the long run. SO YES. all about us, and it’s fine. my point for this post is something else about selfishness entirely, but i just had to clarify the above so we can see selfishness as just a fundamental part of ourselves, not to be taken as a negative thing or whatever. what i do want to talk about: the irrational hatred towards another.

why do we sometimes, for no seeming reason, dislike another? if you assume the above theory that all our reactions are engendered by deep selfishness, it’s illogical that we as humans can hate another who has done almost nothing to threaten our position. it is understandable if you harbour hatred for someone who scribbled saucy untruths about your sex life all over school desks, or another who took your lime popsicle from the canteen uncle and made you cry for one whole traumatic hour (which was what totally happened to me. i still hate her. ANYWAYS.). in other words, DIRECT attacks at your well-being.

back to those people you just hate for no reason. to properly examine this i shall use an allegory that is common to all girls:

you hate a ‘slut’. she has done nothing to you. factually, she has not even spoken to you, and neither you to her. you hate her because she plays with boys and boys are enamoured by her. you find her behaviour absolutely disgusting. but why, it has nothing to do with you. you don’t know the boys she constantly leeches on. in entirety, her behaviour has no impact on your life at all.

this will be your justification: that her skanky behaviour goes against your principles and moral ideals and so it offends you to have even the knowledge of her doing all these stuff. that’s just absolute bullshit. you might also want to be brutally honest with yourself and say it’s because you’re jealous and inherently you would love to be a slutty slut with boys hanging on to your slut self. that is close, but it’s much more than that.

to reiterate, all of our conscious responses arise from self-serving thoughts. here, it roots from our insecurities. actually, so many disorders have originate from insecurity, but yes. back to the slut allegory.

here you hate the slut because you are either subconsciously aware that you are lacking (of the slut factor) and aspire to be one, or you see much of yourself in the slut, and it’s something you are not proud of. the slut becomes not simply a person whose actions offend your moral high ground, but is actually either a hugeass representation of your inadequacies, or a hugeass manifestation of the faults you are deadly fearful others might see in you.

yes. your. own. freaking. inadequacies. and. faults. the hatred is then driven by your insecurities surrounding them. you don’t want anyone to know you’re lacking or flawed, and therefore make a deliberate effort to disassociate yourself from said representation/manifestation. the greatest way you know to distance yourself from it is to hate on it, thus drawing the boldest of all contrast between you and It (it being the slut here la) and making yourself believe you are NOTHING like them (denial). it all arises from a deep seated fear that someone might one day draw a parallel between you and the slut, and realize either that you’re not as good as the slut (and judge you for that) or that you are actually a slut (and judge you for that).

the greater your insecurity, the more faults and and gaps you notice in yourself, the more you are able to pick out people with similar traits, who become physical demonstrations of these flaws of yours, and the more vastly and intensely you hate.

so, at the end of the day, it’s not the slut you’re hating. it’s yourself. or at least, what you perceive in yourself as undesirable to society.

this is the truth, for some people at least. in fact, i catch myself committing this insecure hate thing sometimes. why am i particularly annoyed by whimsical-elusive-butterflies?, i ask myself. do i deep down really want to be a mystery? my blog archive tells me that YES. when i am feeling exceptionally self-pitying i actually do:

https://dopaminedaze.wordpress.com/2010/01/20/reinventez/

at the end of the day i realized my mistake and ended with a full embracing of myself like a predictable movie would. really, i’m just too well-adjusted for my own good and can never really be emotionally damaged (even though i damaging another emotionally is very probable). it will happen again, of course, this perpetual cycle of insecurity, denial, projection and hatred, as it will to everyone but it helps if you think more about yourself and why you do certain things though, it really does.

people often are attracted to enigmas. the mysterious, you-know-they-have-some-sort-of-emotional-baggage-but-they-won’t-say-what, you-will-never-truly-understand-them, seemingly complex human types.

i know this may sound accusatory, but i stand by it: these people – these deep, elusive, silent people – usually just have not much of a personality to present. that or they’re too dense or cowardly to figure themselves out. so why do we as humans find the cryptic qualities of such tragic heroes so appealing?

it is because we are lesser humans than we believe ourselves to be.

there are two scenarios.

1) ‘complex’ and/or ambiguous people are usually indicatively troubled. we are drawn to them because we believe we have the power to protect, help, or reform them – basically to pull them out of whatever deeply emotional turmoil they’re in. the urge to help does not, as much as you wish it to be, spill forth from your compassionate waterfall of a heart. it is more likely to be a manifestation of your own insecurities, and your desperate desire to either prove to yourself you aren’t in such a bad situation (there are others worse off than you, and you have the power to help/protect them) or to image yourself after a kind of saviour-type. both are telling of a deep seated fear that your own failings may surface if you don’t hype on another’s. usually the most unstable of personalities are prone to feel infatuation towards the frail, the troubled, the ‘mystery’.

2) these ‘enigmas’ leave almost every aspect of their thoughts so vague that it is possible for you to construct, without inhibitions, the ideal self you want him or her to be. in other words, you are exploiting his or her ambiguity of character (what you call, mysteriousness) to romanticize the concept of him/her. it’s a delusional relationship from both sides (he/she’s too preoccupied with not understanding their selves, while you’re just investing your emotions on an illusory ideal.) why the need to create a romanticized object of desire when we can seek a living personality? again, insecurity. an ideal is a piece of fiction, written entirely by yourself, and therefore in your total control. by shifting your affections to an actual character, you will necessarily be subjected to unpredictability, possible blatant rejection, the truth. people fear that. they turn to ‘enigmas’ because nothing will ever be explicit. there is a way to explain the hell out of any nasty situation you may be caught in with these ‘enigmas’. only those with enough self-assurance are ready to take on loving a proper personality.

okay it’s just a general observation and while may apply to quite a huge number, is not indicative of everyone la.

an example, then.

you are reading someone’s livejournal. that someone muses endlessly about how ‘yesterday, it was (an ethereal atmosphere) and all i wanted to do was (insert wistful imagery here), i wonder if (pensive, pensive). sometimes i (unexplained sorrows and regrets).’ you are entranced. it ends with a single line that hints at an acknowledgement towards someone who’s made some sort of dent in his/her life: ‘if you’re reading this…’. you spend an hour dissecting every knowledge you have of yourself and him/her, at last concluding that yes. he or she was talking about you. you are very very happy. OMG!, you think (in a very un-elusivebutterful way), he/she who seems impenetrable in his/her bubble of self-agony and awesomeness actually needs/noticed/depends on/might-even-like me.

you are a fool.

the musing comes about when one cannot form proper resolutions from his thoughts. the acknowledgement is probably a reference to his or her pet dog. again, you’re projecting your ideal on this ambiguity. the whole cycle is ridiculously stupid. people need to grow some balls and stop obsessing over these mysterious types. they are just dodgy people who can’t make up their minds and are too pretentious to admit it blatantly. it’s in fact quite sad for them because they’re just lost and helpless people. so yes, people who are irrationally infatuated over frail and mysterious fairies of this motherearth, kindly wake up your idea and quit romanticizing them – you are idolizing an image you’ve created, it’s very sad and soppy and makes me feel very nauseated and disillusioned. is all goodbye.

i’m very lucky because most people i know are pretty self-assured. or at least enough so to hold their own and not have to hide behind an annoying shroud of elusiveness. people who are well-adjusted, optimistic and open (or are quiet and private, yes also possible) about their lives are often the deepest ones i know. pretentious mysteriousness is pretentious.