Q

Psychology.

I think it all started when I was eight or nine. When I stood next to this huge wide road one evening, (and I remember) looking at the huge bright-lit MacDonald’s sign. I was alone, and you know how your thoughts tend to wander when you are alone?

I started asking myself. Why am I here? As in, why am I in this world? Why is anybirdy in this world, why is this world even existing? Why couldn’t there be just a blank patch of nothingness? No galaxy, no stars, no people. Bam, nothing. Like before the Big bang. No, better, there should BE no Big Bang. Nothingness.

Then I started questioning the meaning of life. I know, I was only nine, and I got quite a shock myself. There IS no meaning to life. There is no goal in life. Okay, if your goal is to get into a good University. SO? So you can get a good job, get a high paying salary. SO? So that you can buy mercedes & mansions and enjoy life? SO? SO WHAT? It makes you happy?

SO, SO WHAT IF YOU ARE HAPPY? WHAT DO WE HAVE TO GAIN IN THE END? And even if we do gain something, does it really matter? There’s happiness, there’s suffering too. If we do not even exist, as in NOTHINGNESS, then there need not BE happiness, or sadness, or anything at all. And we can all live without happiness, can’t we? Oh wait, we won’t even be living. SO WHAT IS THE FREAKING POINT?

Why can’t we all just don’t exist? I’m not emo, or being morbid today, kbish? I’ve been riding on this topic for super long, to myself of course, no one seems to agree. But I feel strongly about it. It’s not even making me upset. I mean, I’m not upset about us living, of course. It’s just, I’m confused. Live for what? Everyone one living SO WHAT? Everyone NOT living, SO WHAT?

AGAIN. I AM NOT BEING EMO. I am just looking at this from a strange psychological point of view.

Speaking of Psychology, I’m super fascinated by how the human brain works. Not the cerebellum thing, I mean how they think. And I have a talent of making bogus theories that makes lots of sense! Or so I think. It has happened plenty a times. I think of why something is like that, and an explaination comes up, it all seems to fit, behold, Bogus Theory!

For example, today I was telling Celine how our jokes, ALL seem to be dirty. EVERY SINGLE one that is funny is dirty. If it’s not dirty, it’s not funny. Then I thought that maybe after you get laid, it won’t be the subject of a joke anymore. It’s more like a leisure? And since they don’t consider it joke, they have no other funny jokes to tell. That’s why most adults are dull compared to kids. Who tell dirty joke.

Bogus.

January 4, 2007
Post

I tell myself to stop using the computer.

I ask myself, “Why confine yourself to a screen not larger than two feet squared, when there’s more than a million acres out there for you to explore?”

Sometimes I contradict myself.

I reply, “Because with the computer, you can access not only to all parts of Earth, but also do it within seconds, within the click of the mouse.”

I shut myself up.

Sometimes, I contradict myself so much, I do not know which stand I believe in.

Speak to the indecisive,

my subconscious mind balances with my conscious one.

November 20, 2006
Post

GEEKS ONLY. (If uncertain of identity, go ahead and try it.)

ASCII this to get the hint for deciphering the code.

If you can actually acheive it (I’m referring to the people I know, not some computer engineer) without references from any computer/human, look for me.

I will only be too happy to know someone of the similar interest.

Now crack it.

524F54313320546869 :

njrfbzr ! abj jr’er sryybj trrxf. yrg’f pbadhre gur jbeyq gbtrgure.

November 8, 2006
Post

The hols are boring. I repeat, the hols are boring.

Seriously. It’s not that I don’t go out, but there would be time I’m at home, yeah?

Alone. Lazy. BORED. Omg, I can’t stand it.

I’ve read every single book in the house at least twice. Yes, I read Psycho yesterday the second time. So now I’ve officially read everything twice and above.

Computer. Due to my good girl resolutions, I cannot use as much as I used to. I still can’t stick to the half hour thingy. No good at abiding to rules. :P

Homework. Crazy, who would do homework to kill time?

Then? Nothing else to do already. I can chat on the phone, but the only person whose mum won’t nag is Kejun. I can’t hog her line twenty four seven.

And freaking SCV’s not giving me enough entertainment ! I can’t just sit there and watch MTV for five consecutive hours ! Ok, I did, but I didn’t like it.

Yesterday went for LD CIP. Was okay. I guess. Nothing interesting. Just told some story then got off the stage and went home?

Hmph.

November 3, 2006
I dreamt of life after death

Currently reading Catherine Lim’s “Unhurried thoughts at my funeral”.

You know sometimes, you don’t remember your dreams right after you’ve awaken. Instead, it slowly come to you when you are randomly slacking or daydreaming. Somehow it just, like, POP, appears in your mind?

Yeah. I dreamt of life after death. I remember Celine was in the dream. Somehow, reincarnation was kinda like a good thing in that dream. There weren’t any heaven, and either you idle and bore yourself to second death, or you reincarnate.

Celine died first and I watched the process. She was like on this ledge, about the height of 1, 2 metres? You had to jump down, but you float, not dive down and die again. During this time, do whatever you want.

Pray to God, last words to your families said to yourself, whatever. Once you touch the ground, you’ve to get ready. There would be a burst of white light rimmed with red, a beautiful sight really, surrounding you.

I kinda forgot what happens then, but after that you will find yourself lying on the ground, and you NEED to keep your mind free of thoughts and shut your eyes. Kinda like a dead person. Ok, well, you ARE dead. Whatever.

Apparently, Celine reincarbated as Celine, and she told me about what to do. Then it was my turn to die.

SADLY. I was unable to keep myself free of thoughts. I was thinking, “Oh, shit. I better keep my eyes closed, cos I totally don’t wanna wander. I wanna reincarnate!” BIM BAM BOM. My fate was sealed.

It was terrifying lah. Like a scratch card, or like some video game, I somehow saw the words, “Sorry, you are not reincarnated” infront of me. I think after that I wandered around some random place. Can’t remember anymore of this dream.

Kinda cool yeah? Some omen? I remembered it out of the blue when reading Unhurried Thoughts at my Funeral in the library.

October 10, 2006
It sucks.

I hate the haze. It makes me depressed. Maybe it’s not just the haze, but the haze on top of everything.

I thought there was going to be peace. Well, there was. Momentarily. Now it’s just a big stupid patch of haze obstructing my line of vision.

It used to be so clear. What was what, what I like and what I do not. Now it’s different, there is the haze, forever clouding up what used to be so damn obvious.

And then there were the lights, piercing through the fogginess. Not as glaring, dimmed. It used to shed light to stuff, give them a definition of what they are.

Now it can never be confirmed. It’s just a singular orb of light by it’s own. It does not swallow the world with it’s light, but allow itself to be engulfed by the haze.

It sucks, and I don’t know why. I’m seeking confirmation, I never get that. The only consolation is the comfort of knowing that the haze has not covered me. Yet.

There’s still a radius of clarity around me, though that’s just an optical illusion, I’m fine with it.

I can just let go, it affects me directly, that’s true, but it will never really harm me fatally. I despise the fact of how I can’t just forget about the whole damn thing.

You’ll never understand me. I’m under a facade.

And quit laughing or saying I act cheem and deep. I’m not. I’m not even using my high-class English. Don’t always expect me to be some circus clown. It sucks to know funny people gets slammed from having the blues.

October 6, 2006
Tooth fairies

I believe in tooth fairies. I still do. Past, present, future.

I remember once, when I lost my tooth, I wrote a note to the tooth fairy and wrapped up my tooth with it and slipped it under my pillow.

It went something like this:

Dear toothfairy,

Thank you for visiting my house and using my tooth to make fairy powder. Please give me a skate scooter. You can put it next to my bed. But if you are unable to do that, please give me a Ken doll.

Thanks and goodbye (:

The next day came extreme disppointment. No skate scooter, no Ken doll. (Although I got both some time after, cept not from a toothfairy)

Even my parents did not exchange my tooth for a dollar coin or something.

Sheesh.

I sorta figured that the tooth fairy might be busy. They can’t possibly go to every kid who lost their tooth, right?

Riight.

As I grew older, my belief was mixed with doubts, confusion. But somehow it came to a halt, and now I KNOW that the tooth fairy exists. Yes she does, she does she does she does.

That tooth went down the drain pipe when I was washing it :
Years after that incident, my sister, aged 6-7, lost her tooth.

I think she believes in tooth fairies too. That night, Kejun and I extracted that bloody, filthy white thing and slipped a dollar under her pillow.

The next day, she was all, “Wow, cool”, when she saw it.

It was damn sweet, knowing a child’s belief is like, you know…

UNTIL !!! UNTIL UNTIL she went, “Oh, I think I actually saw a little bit of the tooth fairy!”

Did I mention my sis is a big fat liar? She is also horrid at lying ):

Me: Oh, reeeeaaally? How did it look like?

Sis: Um… she can fly, and she has a wand.

Kejun: Does she know you saw her ?

Sis: Er… no. I was pretending to sleep.

Me: Oh, yahh, right. But I thought toothfairies like to bring children to play?

Kejun: yeah

Sis: Oh, actually, I bluff you one…the toothfairy got talk to me.

Me: Then leh?

Sis: Then… then she fly away.

Kejun: Never bring you up to sky to play meh ?

Sis: Oh… have! Have…

KJ and Me: (mutters) liar.

Sis: (Obviously fabricating her famous big fat lies) And she hold my hand and we fly up to the sky and she gave me alot of sweets…

Me: To decay your teeth more? How ironic.

Sis: …and I saw the other toothfairy the queen toothfairy yadda yadda.

KJ and I: -_-

July 15, 2006
Hate | Fear | Disgust

I’m not afraid of cockroaches. One crawled over my face before.

I’m not afraid of ghosts/horror flicks etc. None, zilch, they don’t even make me gasp.

Guess what I’m mortally afraid of…?

Lizards. Writing that gives me goosebumps. Lizard is such an apt name. Sounds zippy and gross. I absolutely despise lizards. They give me the willies. Okay, maybe not despise, but more like terrified of.

I can’t stand wriggly things that move fast, not to mention in jerky movements. Imagine the traumatising time I had watching Monster Inc, with Randall (the huge purple amphibian-lizard monster) in it. I was horrid. ):

I scream whenever I am trapped in an enclosed area with them. One night (2am, upon touching them, I screeched my head off: ” MAMA JIU MING AHHHHH ! ” A couple of lights were switched on from the apartments of the flat a block away and I’m not exaggerating.

Took a thorough shower (at 2am-_-) in order to wash off all lizard fumes/filth.

BIRDS they freak me out from a close distance. From far, it’s alright. They are too flappy and fast for my liking. Way toooo flappy… -__-

Overall, they’re pretty much harmless, flies away if anyone is within a metre’s radius from them. Pigeons. Ah, they are the problems. Fat, flappy things. Icky.

BUTTERFLIES Honest. Why you don’t believe me? WHAT? I’m a wimp? No I am NOT. I ain’t ! I ain’t ! I ain’t ! They are MUCH TOO FLUTTERY ! Notice I hate flappy, fast, fluttery shits ? Uh-huh.

I’m generally quite okay with them now, but if caught off-guard and one sweeps down near me, I seriously will freak. And scream. LOUD.

THUNDERS I’m not REALLY afraid of them, or at least I’m too embarrased to tell. I used to loooove them grand, clapping sounds, laughing at cowardly screaming idiots who yell everytime the thunder sounds.

Uuntil one fateful night….

A night of real thunderstorm. Blinding flashes of light, lashes of lightning pelted out mercilessly on Earth, piercing the ground, deafening great BOOMS !!! It was an indescridable night.

(Siao bor? Write compo huh?)

Couldn’t sleep the whole night, startled by every lightning and thunder. -_- embarrassing.

The next morning, found out that a teeny army airport (so near that it was in view of my window) being struck down.

Gah. From then on can’t appreciate the magnificent works of Mother Nature without jumping up in fear each time.

Sway.

July 7, 2006
A week being someone else

At last. the moment we’ve been waiting, I’m finally gonna make a serious post. Not exactly, but more my standards…. yeahh.

I’ve asked several people the same question (yes, I love asking random questions) :

If you can be anyone for a week, who would it be?

Britney Spears?
Jolin Tsai?
Some princess?
me??
Lindsay Lohan?

Not surprisingly, 90% of people replied, in syncronised unison, “Paris Hiltoooon.”

Yup. I certainly thought of that hooked-nose rich blonde when I think of my own answer. But after some consideration, I decided I’d rather be a starving child in Africa.

Yes, you heard right. A starving poor kid in some ulu rural area.

Think of it. If I am Paris Hilton, partying my day away amidst chardonnays and vuittons, palm trees and cute boys, party nights and posh hotels.

One week is up aaaand POP. You are back to plain old self. You’ll get depressed, pine for the days of Martini and Prada. It will totally suck.

But if I’m a poor kid, I’ll suffer throughout the week. Appreciate my joy and bliss that i have at home.

I know it sounds damn cheesy, like what, “Appreciate what you have in life, for it could be worst”

But, yeah. I really think that way.

Bye

June 22, 2006
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