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  • Joker (2019): A Review

    And from the ashes I rise … a pheonix.

    Let’s get it out of the way first. I adored Joker. Each moment had me hooked, some (many) sucker punched me right in the guts.

    A great movie has a certain stickiness to it – otherwise known as haunting. And haunt me it did, in the best way possible. The night and day after, the best of scenes replayed in my head, and I was obsessed with the signs and symbols that I’d missed while savouring the film as it played out.

    The scores, with a special mention to Defeated Clown and Bathroom Dance

    Joker wastes no time establishing how life football-tackles Arthur hard, spits on it, and sinks a boot heel into his ego for good measure. This also means the accompanying score that comes at Arthur’s lowest, Defeated Clown, is introduced in the first 10 minutes of the film.

    And man does it set the tone for the movie right.

    Music is the unseen dialogue of every film. It tells a story, shapes your perception, influences your emotion at each frame. But we seldom notice them, letting their effect take a direct hit to the primordial brain.

    Hildur Guðnadóttir’s scores is a dialogue so beautifully written that I cannot overlook its poetics.

    What is it that makes music sad? Is it that it’s slow? Each notes drawn out in a tragic cry? Does sadness have a quality, pitch and tone? Whatever it is, Guðnadóttir nails it.

    I put Defeated Clown on double speed and it was still sad as hell. Two things that made this particular score outstanding:

    First, that constant drum beat in the background as a perfect allegory to a slow march to hell. His life is not just tragic, but doomed to a certain fate, a spiral he is graduating towards. You know it’s going to be disastrous, and there is no way to stop it. 

    Second, the way the notes are played in isolated groups. Each an island, strung to form a broken chain where silence speaks just as loud as sound.

    A shout out also to Bathroom Dance, which has the same shade of tragic as Defeated Clown, but also an odd lightness to it. Like a piece of art that is meant to be sad, but also recognised to be beautiful in its sadness. Perhaps appropriately so, as it comes in the moment Arthur soothes himself through dance, at the precipice of Arthur to Joker, the transformation at once grotesque and artistic.

    Shaky camera: two scenes for comparison

    Todd Phillips said in this breakdown video that the shaky cam at some scenes was intentional, giving the scenes an authentic, homemade feel. The example he cited was of this iconic frame –

    Image result for joker 2019

    Arthur forcing a smile on himself. The other, also iconic (how many iconic scenes does this movie have anyway???), is that of Arthur climbing into the fridge.

    This brings us to the only complaint* I have throughout the 2 and a half hours film. In this scene, an obviously shaky cam shows Arthur climbing into the fridge. The door closes, and the camera walks further into the scene, implying that this camera has an eye and a life.

    *Not exactly, but maybe the only moment that I questioned

    I wasn’t keen on this implication, because part of Arthur’s tragedy is that he isn’t seen. He is invisible, not given the attention he so craved.

    It could be that I’ve been watching The Office so much as of late, and it reminded me of breaking that fourth wall, of a crew who found even the every day hijinks in a paper company interesting enough to follow with a camera. In Joker, it was also vaguely horror-movie-esque, where the camera takes the angle of a stalker or spooky creature following the protagonist.

    And so this scene was pretty jarring for me. It would have worked better if a neutral camera panned out of the scene. A simple, straightforward “yep he’s alone in the fridge and no one gives a shit” moment. Or a still, even. Nothing happens, not an atom in the world reacts even as Arthur Fleck is so deeply disturbed he had to enclose himself in subzero to hold it together.

    Now to what made the movie: Joaquin Pheonix’s genius

    Joaquin is the Joker movie.

    He manipulated me like a master, I slipped into every emotional trap the movie laid out for us suckers:

    I sympathised with him, wanted to bring him home like an injured bird so I could tend to him and make it all okay.

    I was simultaneously fascinated and repulsed: his body distended and other-worldly; painful just to look at. Again, a grotesque injured bird.

    I rooted for him, but could never understand him. His life was sad but did not justify what he did. He was crazy – and I could get why he did what he did without thinking it was the right thing to do.

    All. The. Emotional. Notes: Hit.

    The most heart wrenching of moments are when he has his laughing fits. As he shook and choked with laughter, the shaking and choking went all the way to my core. Joaquin laughs in a way that is so believable, then twists in his Herculean efforts to stop the laughter, the self-consciousness, hatred and frustration of not being able to.

    It resonated because this is more common an occurrence than we’d like to think. For those with autism, Tourette’s syndrome, OCD, and a range of other mental disorders that makes them completely out of control of their actions even as others stare and point.

    I (and you) could easily be one of the public in Joker. A man, a boy laughing uncontrollably in the bus, and my first instinct would be to stare with confusion and, on bad days, judgement.

    Image result for joker 2019 beaten up

    My favourite scene is its opening.

    Arthur is cornered by young punks. He doesn’t fight back, doesn’t even try. His first instinct was to crouch in a fetal position, hands on his crotch and neck. Here, the smallest of details made this genuine: it tells me that this happens so often that Arthur is familiar with the routine. Broke my heart, this one.

    His prop flower and the leaking water was a nice touch – I didn’t know this until the director breakdown video, but Arthur himself triggers it.

    Yet there is something inexplicably attractive and intriguing about Arthur. Not his disconcerting acts of violence as Joker, but something inside Arthur Fleck from the very beginning.

    He is a performer. And without life beating the crap out of him, he may have discovered that. In his freedom, he finds what was always there, but in the context of revenge, chaos.

    Yet he could just as easily have been Happy, as Penny envisioned for him.

    “There is music in his soul,” instructed Todd Phillips in his notes to Joaquin Pheonix. I was most drawn to Joker as he dances: down the steps, in the subway, out into the camera at the Murray show. But it is all Arthur. Becoming the Joker didn’t make him light on the foot: he always was.

    Joaquin Phoenix portrays Arthur’s music: from the slow, sad dance in the bathroom to that care-not swag as Joker, brilliantly.

    Image result for joker 2019 opening

    Plot?

    The few contentions I’ve heard about Joker was of its plot. (Although no one outlined what exactly about the plot they didn’t like, just that they didn’t like it.)

    Fair enough, although I don’t see Joker taking on a blockbuster plot the likes of his nemesis the Dark Knight, nor should we expect it to.

    Because his story is one of a slow descent into insanity, of delusion and dreams of grandeur set in a life of isolation, humiliation, and mistreatment.

    In other words, Arthur’s life is remarkably close to yours and mine and anyone else’s. His unraveling, and the movie, is propelled not by a plot but the cruel reality of life.

    To peg it against Dark Knight or any other superhero movie, and expect him to have been dropped into a vat of toxic waste; find himself caught up in an intergalactic battle, or otherwise, is unfair.

    Joker is a story of that man in the subway with severe B.O., that co-worker who eats lunch alone every day. There is no plot, there is only life itself.

    And I love it.

     

     

    October 13, 2019

  • Europe Solo Trip 2019

    Barcelona > Seville > Paris

    One of the best trips of my life. Would not change a single thing about it.

    Some highlights:

    • Climbing Montserrat in a dress, without GPS or data connection – basically following paint marks and, eventually, the monastery sewage pipes until I found my way to the peak.
    • Having the best hummus in my life at A Tu Bolas. And the dizzying displays of sweets and pastries at the Mercat.
    • Being stalked for half an hour in Barcelona until I shook him off by being tremendously lost
    • Staying near the Gothic Quarters. I love the architecture there so much. Taking a walk early morning before everyone rises is amazing.
    • The street artists with their own brand of extraordinary art styles
    • Hotel Amadeus, classical themed hotel in Sevilla, which I cannot stop singing praises over. Afternoons spent with a drink and a book at the rooftop pool, with that beautiful Spanish sun.
    • Catedral of Sevilla and La Giralda, my favorite cathedrals – or possibly buildings – in the entire trip
    • Placa d’Espanya, my second favorite place
    • So many, many museums! Surprisingly enjoyed the tiny, off-street Museu Nacional d’Art de Catalunya (entry fee 1,5 euros) more than many others (maybe even the Louvre)
    • Call me crazy but I love long flights. Qatar was a superb choice. I could have stayed on the plane for 6 more hours and been perfectly happy.
    • Pilgrimage to Shakespeares & Company in Paris, which despite being cramped with tourists, has excellent and homely customer service :)
    • Pilgrimage to Café des Deux Moulins, a tribute to my all-time favorite movie. Where I had the best pain au chocolat in France
    • Musee d’Orsay, where I saw the works of one of my fav- (i’ve been using the word favorite a lot in this post) artist: William-Adolphe Bouguereau, and was mildly disappointed
    • Musee Rodin, my fav- (fine.) sculptor! And was entirely captured by this piece called ‘Je suis belle’. It turned out to be a combination of Falling Man and Crouching Woman, together taking on a new meaning
    • Musee Parfum, which I was looking forward to as the fragrance fiend I am. It still exceeded expectations, despite being a small and free tour. Enjoyed myself plenty.
    • Parthenon, where I spent maybe 15 minutes at Foucault’s pendulum, and then an hour next to Rousseau’s tomb. And nothing else. Worth it. To be that near to my hero’s remains: surreal.
    • Ate an ungodly amount of gelato, with zero regrets:
    September 1, 2019

  • Daily News Repository

    In a bid to read more and keep myself up to date with news!

    I shall start a daily (hopefully) repository of news I found interested. Just a short aggregation or summary.

    Before that let me do a brief of what’s been up with my life: a lot.

    I have a new job now – digital consulting. The work is exciting, challenging, and I look forward to learning everyday. While also prioritizing my friends and family and HS.

    The urge to blog barely comes by, because thoughts are just too personal to be placed online.

    But hey – thoughts about current affairs and technology. Those are things worth sharing, right?

    So here we go!

    February 24, 2019

  • be good

    Be kind. Be slow to anger. Precede judgement with understanding. Don’t second guess your instinct to help.

    Be generous. Share all the good that comes your way, even with acquaintances, even with strangers. Be genuine. Listen not to reply but to empathize. Connect with new people.

    Be open! To all things new and challenging. Accept failure and chase after it. Embrace the difficult bits of life. Enjoy the mundane and seek meaning in the grind.

    And let go of fear: fear of reaching out, fear of speaking up. Forget about how others see you – do what is right by yourself.

    Live your best life!

    #reminderstoself

    #Qing2019andbeyond

    November 21, 2018

  • The Danish Girl

    Watched The Danish Girl for the first time. It was beautiful and haunting. While most would be captured by Einar, I identified most with Gerda. To me, the protagonist of the show – the one whose emotional journey I followed most closely – was her.

    Related image

    Maybe it’s because I can never understand what it’s like to be Einar, to feel like a man or woman in the other’s body. It was strikingly poignant when she said “This is not my body” with all the conviction she had. I tried very hard to picture myself in a man’s body, as a female. But I came up empty, emotionally. I’d imagine I’ll be gay, but be alright performing maleness. I don’t know.

    But Gerda, oh Gerda. I feel every pain and love you did. The love you have for a man, who is slowly becoming something else much more important than you. To have him slowly disappear, so slow that you still have hope he’d stay, that he’s still there.

    I can even relate to the support Gerda provides him right at the start, as Einar first explores his self as Lili. I can imagine myself giving in, inch by inch, to his whims. I want him to be happy, and even if it’s unconventional, I’ll do what it takes for him to be him. And I’ll slowly fester in my own unfulfilled needs. Of losing someone.

    But at the end of the day I’ll let go too, like Gerda. With as much pain, and still as much love as she had. I found Gerda so courageous. I know that what Lili went through was tough, she was born a man but chose the difficult path to become a woman because she can’t help it. But just like Lili, Gerda wholeheartedly loves Einar, even Lili, that she chose the difficult path to keep loving her. She can’t help it.

    I know people who love so deeply that it doesn’t matter what gender their partner is or becomes. They just love them for who they are. I don’t think I can do that. I’ve never felt attracted to a woman and even if I were to love my partner if he transitions, it would not be a sexual kind of love. Of course, I wouldn’t know until it happens.

    In the mean time I’ll avoid suggesting H wear any of my dresses.

    August 1, 2018

  • move. read.

    2018-07-20 06.08.52 1.jpg
    Friday

    It’s 2018 and I’m still here! That in itself calls for tiny celebratory claps.

    I have been feeling fulfilled but unmotivated recently. If you get what I mean. Everyday there are things I look forward to, I’m happy, I’m doing things. But there’s an unknown force telling me that I can’t just be – I need to m o v e  f o r w a r d.

    World, teach me how to slow down and enjoy you as you are.

    //

    For the rest of the year, I only have two (okay three) goals I want to fulfil:

    1.  Keep up with the news – even if just the headlines
    2. Finish reading all the books I start, and start reading my stockpiled collection of non-fics
    3. Either heal my leg (with stretches) or keep going with my work out routine

    C’MON YOU CAN DO IT QING, don’t let the mid-year slump take you down!

    July 22, 2018

  • my new found love for Bo

    I recently discovered Bo Burnham, and within the span of a week have watched all of his works (much to my chagrin) — several times over.

    There’s not one aspect of him I can’t gush about. How his acts are a mix of theatre, lights, soundscape, song. How he isn’t just funny, but he’s funny with a point. Like actual, important and relevant human issues. And most of all what I love love love about Bo is how genuine he is. He is the most truthful artist I’ve seen. He’s just the most artist I’ve seen. I love him.

    Guys, I’ve re-watched each of his numbers at least three times. Maybe four. I can sing-along to all his acts by now, and I know where his best jokes are dropped. But each time I watch it there’s still something new to be gained. Wtf!!!

    I tried to sieve through all his numbers to find my favorite, but I couldn’t because everything is good. Wtf.

    We Think We Know You

    Image result for bo burnham you think you know me

    This shit blew my mind. When it transited into a soundscape, I felt all my brain synapses light up in utter joy. It just sounded … good. Stuck in my mind for DAYS on end, this shite.

    More than that I related to this in a very personal way. Confession: I teared up. There was a time I grew up from crazed loudmouth to a crazed slightly-quieter-in-public. And I’ve had people telling me how much I’ve changed. How they miss the old me. It was always said with a tinge of disappointment, a wary or nostalgic look in their eyes. I’ve had friends (okay, friend) cry over how I’ve changed.

    It made me feel so insecure, like I was a lesser version of myself. Or worse — that I wasn’t myself. You have no idea how the fear plagued me then. That I lost some part of me essential to my identity.

    It took me years to realize that the only real me is how I choose to define it. It doesn’t matter what they want to see, or how they want me to be. I can change anyway I want to. Even if it means some friends find this alienating, even if they love me less.

    Anyway, back to Bo. The format is gimmicky, but his message is far from it. I like that it was the last segment of the show, as he usually places the songs that are most real to him. I can feel his frustration, his indignation, his insecurities at being told how he should be, and what he’s not. By people who simply don’t know him but presume to. I don’t think, in crafting this song, he’s simply criticizing those who claim to know him. I think he also grapples with caring about what they think.

    Oh yes and, speaking of little Easter eggs you catch after a second or third watch: where he points downwards and Satan chimes in? YEAH when he points upwards and cricket sounds punctuating silence rang out. THAT MOMENT. Took me a couple of watches to catch it.

    Every moment of his show is tight, tightly packed with references, layers, meaning.

    Sad

    Image result for bo burnham sad

    The world’s so sad, Madison
    Pain, war, genocide, racism, sexism
    But I gotta remember there’s good things about it too
    Like the fact that none of that’s happening to me, score!

    That’s it, laughter, it’s the key to everything
    It’s the way to solve all the sadness in the world
    I mean, not for the people that are actually sad, but for the people like us who’ve gotta fucking deal with ’em all the time

    I saw a woman at her daughter’s funeral. Ha ha ha! Classic comedy!
    Everything that once was sad is somehow funny now
    The Holocaust and 9/11
    That shit’s funny 24/7
    ‘Cause tragedy will be exclusively joked about,
    Because my empathy is bumming me out

    He’s not afraid to call people out where it really cuts. Not just idiots, Trump, racists, sexists. Those are low hanging fruit. He calls all of us out. The ones who think we’re doing okay. We recycle and believe in gender equality. But there’s more we can do and be, and Bo reminds us of that.

    That we need to care more. Not just believe in broad beliefs and rights, but truly feel and have empathy. The way the entertainment industry has turned Trump being President into the biggest inside joke of the liberals, a running gag we can all participate in. But beyond that we need to truly feel the fear right? We need to laugh – and then pay attention and realize how much of a tragedy this actually is.

    God’s Perspective

    Image result for god's perspective bo burnham

    And yet for all his cynicism, at the heart of all his work Bo is hopeful. I truly think the reason why he cuts all the crap and dives straight into the real problems is because he knows we can do better. Why address problems if you don’t believe they can be solved, right?

    You pray so badly for heaven
    Knowing any day might be the day that you die
    But maybe life on earth could be heaven
    Doesn’t just the thought of it make it worth the try?

    Bo can spend 80% of the song telling you you’re not going to heaven. Bleak? But then he brings in a message that makes him a greater romantic than any of us are. Life on Earth, for him, can be heaven. He believes in love, and he has such hope for our time here. And he wants us to try, guys!!! When Bo asks, how can I say no.

    I Can’t Handle This Right Now

    Related image

    This act made me sob like a bitch.

    One of the hardest things about performing is putting your real self – along with your vulnerabilities – up on stage. Here he so frankly talks about his relationship with his audience! About the very fear he has right now. Onstage. Addressing them all.

    This was personally inspirational, as a performer myself. How do I be truthful with my audience the way he is? How do I let go of my self when onstage, and put the objective of my performance first?

     

    Bo is truly my performer goals.

    July 19, 2018

  • words from the future

    My somewhat (very) superstitious mind likes to believe that the poetry I’ve written over the years are prophetic. A vignette of a future yet to come. To be more academically accurate: my subconscious realization of what might inevitably happen manifests itself in written word.

    I wrote this with him in mind. It would be more than a year before we ended.

    We remember each other in fragments.

    Years later the 4 by 6 glossy you’ve kept is nothing. She is looking at a separate you and has a smile you don’t recognize. You scratch guilt thoughtlessly along the edge where a date (of what?) was scribbled. Her blue-black ink, immutable from time and travel, doesn’t smear.

    Instead it comes back to you in the most heedless moments: autumn in the subway, your own face flickering back at you like a broken picture-film. There in a panic is her: above, the clink of gold against teeth; a slide of citrus sealing in feinted sleep, your own laughter filtered in a cloud of hair without subtitles.

    You let it rumble through you – freight train of years past – and surfacing, find yourself the same person as before.

    •••

    I have not written, properly written, for a long time. If I were to put a date to it, since I’ve met HS. The syrup of love is sweet and heavy, it cloys the literary of my brain into lethargy.

    There is no want, no tension between our wants. There is no spiralling into insanity (anymore). There is, by extension, no juice to fuel my poems. For they are always truthful, always an extrapolation of what I see feel think or touch.

    What can I write about that isn’t trite? The way holding your hand relaxes every atom of my being? Or how we laugh at the same beat of a joke and there is nothing I cannot say to you?

    In our relationship, I’m the one with all the words.

    I tell you, in the minutiae, why I like you, what I like about you, how I would feel without you, what life was before, with, after you.

    Your words, though they are much, are not for feelings. You show in actions how you feel. But you let me and my myriad of words do what they want to. I’m not sure if they do anything for you, but you listen patiently and carefully anyway.

    •••

    I wonder when I’ll next write. Why do I only ever get inspired by loss, death, or insanity? Sometimes a combination of all three.

    July 12, 2018

  • Bangkok 2018

    I have started the habit of journaling my days in obsessive detail, this time in a private diary, and it has been wonderful. I remember the exact days where I had a dizzy spell; the one funny thing Hanshen said that made me almost wet my pants laughing; the dishes we ordered at that cafe in BKK that’s bound to come in handy someday.

    //

    Hi Cel, I find myself missing you a lot recently. In your most recent email you said you think about me often, almost every day. I think about our childhood, the funny things we did or said, how innocent and simple those times were. I think about how much we grew together, the nights we spent talking our self-discoveries, our struggles, our hopes – always ending with a routine round of appreciation that we have each other; this friendship.

    We went to BKK last week – Xin, Rei, Beni, Becks and I. You might have been on this trip too, if you were around. It was as fun as you’d imagine it to be. I will write about it to you soon. Xin planned it, and as you would guess, it ended up with us going to many un-explored hipster areas and cafes. I’m so glad we did: it was a side of BKK I haven’t seen before. The local artist scene is so vibrant, so organic, that I’m beyond inspired!

    And of course, going with decade long friends who love you but will also easily kill you, is an experience in itself.

     

    2018-05-30 11.28.23 1.jpg
    2018-06-02 10.00.10 1.jpg
    2018-06-05 02.19.26 1.jpg

     

    Opening the door at midnight to Becky and Xin’s ridiculous poses after their Rod Fai trip. Having amazing toasts for breakfast. Traipsing the vintage section of Chatuchak, the streets of Chinatown. Finding a giant pink squid sculpture to take our group photos – hangry beyond words behind our smiles. Hyping up garlic toasts and dealing with Beck’s cynicism with our hypes. Xin chasing down a cab two blocks because she left her tote in it. Many, many cafes. Many, many OOTDs. Mornings and nights spent laughing with Becky about this and that, while in the next room a meltdown ensues over luggage space. Our last day, heroically saved by Baby Driver.

    June 5, 2018

  • to be good

    when i look back at just a year or two ago, i’m surprised at how much i’ve grown. not changed – but grown. change i’ve had plenty of experience with.

    and i’m proud of myself.

    from someone who always thought of herself as ‘unambitious’, content to do whatever job she’s assigned well and sign off for the day; to this, today, someone who loves the hat she accidentally fell into. off work, i find myself consuming podcasts, articles, and (finally) non-fiction. i no longer feel the itch to pop open social media to numb my mind. i feel fulfilled, but no longer content. everyday i want to learn more, be more.

    i found someone who enables and challenges me in all the right ways. someone who doesn’t force me to grow up because of circumstances, but encourages me to do so by example. where i was once consumed by ideals of possessive, all-encompassing, centre-of-my-world type relationships, i’ve been shown how to put myself front and centre. to be grounded, to balance, and then to love.

     

    but one evening, inexplicably, i felt disgusted by how impatient i’ve become. how i’m quick to judge, quick to be annoyed by strangers. i’ve become so blind to the fact that everyone lives their own lives with their struggles and frustrations. why am i so desensitized to the pains of others, sometimes even my friends. why is my first reaction to think the worst of strangers based on their singular action. and most of all, schadenfreude.

    in my impatience with others, i’d think “haha orbiquek” when they’re inconvenienced after inconveniencing me. and it disgusts me to even have these thoughts. that is has become my instinct to have them.

    NPR’s Hidden Brain podcast on envy perfectly encapsulated the type of person who would have schadenfreude. It is the one emotion we surpress, never revealing them to others because it’s simply not socially appropriate to express joy at another’s misfortune. Beyond that, to admit that you’re glad of another’s misfortune shows that you harbored feelings of envy to begin with, and by admitting that you’re admitting to feeling inferior, to wanting what you don’t have.

    for the past weeks i’ve been trying my hardest to stem negative thoughts. the judgement that has come so naturally to me. the temptation to gossip and speak with ill intent. i’m still selfish – i’m doing it not so much to benefit others as it is for my self. because it feels so much better to not be saturated with negative thoughts and judgements of others, because i can look at myself and respect the person i am. still in the works, but i’ll keep going.

    March 14, 2018

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