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  • Today, I denounce Stoicism

    Today, I denounce stoicism, I denounce modern philosophical tenets founded by European men.

    I’ve tried and retried to capture my thoughts coherently, but I failed. So I’ll let my haphazard but authentic text messages to a friend take the stage, think of it as a contemporary ‘dialogue’ a la Socrates.

    Q: [Redacted] said something to me yesterday that gave me final resolve [something that’s been] on my mind a lot lately.

    Which is that dominant (European) modern philosophy, centered around logic, rationalism, empiricism and utilitarianism. As well as the revival of Stoicism, originating from Greek and Roman MEN – are not made for women.

    I’ve studied the Stoics for 6 years Seneca’s letters of a Stoic, Epictetus’ discources, and Marcus Aurelius’ meditations. And modern continental philosophers for more, trying to emulate their rationality and stoicism — and suddenly I’m thinking. What the hell?

    What made us think our rationality is rational, given our very extreme limitations as individuals, and give intersubjectivity?

    Most of all. How can you expect us to be Stoics when we are BUILT to care, feel, and love deeply?

    If a loved one were to die today (*knocks wood*), I would not sagely think that “I shall take only my portioned lot of the feast and let it move on.” (Epictetus, or one of them). I will bloody grieve and not get over it for the rest of my life, and I don’t want to get over it.

    Even most renowned female philosophers, such as Simone de Beauvoir, whom I despise, write about feminism in relation to men, never passing the philosopher’s Bechdel test, and whom I think of as what today would be a pick-me girl. And yes, there are exceptions such as Hannah Arendt, who while primarily writes on political theory, tread but lightly on human nature.

    I’ve a theory that the Philosophy of women must tend towards the mystical, and those whose works are known, preserved, and recognized, must be of value to the church.

    Back to [redacted] – she really put the final nail into my denouncement of male-centric philosophy.

    [A conversation led me to say] “yeah, you’re born stoic. But she said no, is 练出来的 (trained from life), but with my child I can’t be stoic, you see that’s who I really am.”

    So to be woman is to suffer extreme love, which is our gift and our curse, and that modern philosophy completely negates, forcing us to go against our nature to suffer less.

    I feel like my eyes are opened suddenly, I’ve always tried to be male in thought but I’m not.

    I’m disgusted now at my 25 year old self thinking, wow, Foucalt and Kant and Rousseau were Enlightened geniuses, when in fact they were men who were not equipped to manage their feelings, and thus couched it as raison, räisonieren, reason, as ‘the state of nature’, as ‘utilitarianism’.

    ____

    That’s all I have.

    Tomorrow, I start over. I start with women who write not in an axis with men, nor within the structure of men (including the church). I start with Simone Weil. Then, I will read across the waters into other continents.

    November 8, 2025

  • Book Review: The Left Hand of Darkness — Ursula K. Le Guin

    A reader online described the quality of Ursula K. Le Guin’s writing as ‘meditative’. An accurate encapsulation of her style: at once distanced, observational, but not without deep care for her characters and their desires and aches. Reaching the final book leaves, I was not surprised to read that Le Guin was born to an anthropologist and a writer.

    Now, this meditative quality is an acquired taste. Truth be told, I started on ‘Left Hand’ years ago, and never got into it, despite it being her most oft mentioned work. Through the gentler entryway of her other novels, this taste I acquired, loved, and came back to ‘Left Hand’, reading it with eyes anew.

    The premise is simple though forward for its time (published 1969): Without the human distinction of gender, instead every one being both, what happens to politics, to war, to relationships, loyalties, and taboos?

    I had no unrealistic expectations of ‘Left Hand’ providing answers to all these questions, and it does not. Good fiction tells a story, great fiction makes us wonder; its job is not to prescribe or proscribe. Yet, I was left unsatisfied at the gender norms that still pervade in a novel supposedly devoid of gender.

    My critique follow many others, laid out in the prologue: the liberal usage of pronouns ‘he’, ‘king’, ‘son’, which color early my conjured images of characters. And most damning of all the ‘feminisation’ of them takes the lazy route of being every negative stereotype, of becoming emotional, weak, mad, physically soft and psychologically indirect.

    I choose to be lenient and give its inability to truly transcend gender a literary excuse (narrator bias – as it is told through Genly Ai, male, who came from a world where gender exists and thus cannot abandon these categorisations), for otherwise this book has much to give. These were what I enjoyed:

    We follow Genly Ai as he navigates the political landscape and perpetual Winter of planet Gethen, both foreign and fatal to him.

    Perhaps due to my Asianness, I was particularly taken with the concept of shifgrethor: that which governs interactions through some layers of face-saving, hierarchy, and politeness. Just as the concept itself which winds and wends around the truth, the novel never quite got to the point of what it is. I would have loved to understand more of its intricacies and implications.

    A bulk of the book devotes itself to a trek / escape through Ice. Glacier wonders, shadowless snow. It made me miss the cold and the snow of my second home. Even the Gethenians, described with their adeptness and knowledge of surviving the cold, made me miss my Polish family.

    It would make a visually magnificent movie, so much that I Googled mid-read if such a movie already exists (it does not! to my chagrin).

    I wish that director of Dune (the new one) would make Left Hand into a movie! One dreams, one dreams.

    Anyway, 4/5 stars

    October 25, 2025

  • my september google search history, voilà

    Today, for entirely no reason, I would like to do an exposé on my Google Search history for the month of September. I’m eliminating searches in which I’m specifically seeking a website, product, or calculations (e.g. currency conversion, weather forecasts). Everything else will be as they are.

    September 1

    spinning lady illusion
    fusiform face gyrus hemisphere
    寻寻觅觅
    wing on life condo owned by
    canadiens
    naypidaw

    September 2

    Where to throw keyboard singapore

    September 3

    Upper back ache sleeping pillow

    September 4

    Did Jones Town increase or decrease kool aid sales
    fish that cleans teeth

    September 6

    creatine side effects
    skip hire

    September 7

    cold brew ratio
    (-_-) meaning
    can i use coarse grind for moka pot
    best time to do hatha yoga

    September 8

    Matthew Modine
    Vietnam history
    Bojan Trivic
    allergic to bok choy

    September 10

    yb chang boob job

    September 11

    animal sounds in different places

    September 12

    you better wreck yourself
    check yourself before you wreck yourself tv show
    returning soldier
    recent gender ratio births
    martin lavoo

    September 13

    lavender tea confinement safe
    chrysanthemum tea confinement safe
    Sentosa fireworks

    September 14

    lymphatic face drain massage
    can i keep stewed apples
    microbes amoeba

    September 15

    why do flowers smell good
    angle of repose
    tiffany plate
    third space

    September 16

    how is uveitis diagnosed

    September 17

    Microsoft swiftkey Chinese is bad

    September 18

    frozen characters

    September 19

    cabbage nutrition
    worcestersiresauce
    flowers of the moon
    old movie spiral

    September 20

    shrillness of the nights
    still of the night film
    fuck word etymology history
    shui or shei
    barnaby song
    like a barnaby song

    September 21

    singapore limpopo
    like a barnaby song
    alexandria herring
    balance ton quoi

    September 22

    milony polish
    nine tailed fox
    baking soda scratch glass
    kapusniak
    go set
    gender differences in time conception
    are men more interested in history

    September 23

    akira kurosawa films
    stray dog
    pickle party
    craving ginger
    tennis balls where to buys
    signs of green tea liver failure
    why do enlightened beings have long earlobes

    September 24, 2025

  • Dreams of an eaten world

    Leading up to the days I watched Pickle Party , created by my dear friend and theatremaker Xiao Ting, I had the wildest dream(s), likely inspired by the conversations we had around the piece.

    –

    In actuality nesting in an abundance of hotel-fluffed pillows, I find myself watching from the top down, helpless observer, of a microcosmic invasion. À la Thronglets in Black Mirror, à la Conway’s Game of Life. These tiny beings, unknown bits and bytes, make their way through a petri dish, leaving behind a trail of more unknown bits. With creeping realisation, I understand that they are eating their way through and digesting their habitat. That these beings are us, this petri dish our Earth…

    And now, my physical body still in a wonderfully made King-sized hotel bed, I am perched precariously atop an awfully high pile of something. It is trash — this time realisation comes as an instantaneous slap — a forever accumulation of all the trash we have ever produced as mankind. Mainly men, and not so kind. The pile won’t stop rising, a terrifying vertical growth I am once again helpless in slowing down. I watch with dizzying vertigo as I am farther and further from the safety of Earth…

    –

    Less than a week later, I sat down in an intimate studio space, bubbles rained down at me at the same time I learnt about climate refugees. ‘Displaced by the sea’, “but,” I thought, “did the sea not birth us, did we not displace the sea – itself millenials older than the first of our kind?” Who could claim the land, the sea, and Earth?

    I thought about microbes that eat, digest, and fart out their metabolic wastes. I thought about us, who convert these waste to eat, digest, fart, ad infinitum. I thought about many things the days after Pickle Party.

    I guess that’s what we are. Organisms that eat, digest, poop, waste, and sometimes, somewhere in between — think.

    September 23, 2025

  • 《 缠、绵》

    丝细如断雪,连绵粘指尖,

    缕缕覆舌上:压抑、无言。

    愈是势牵扯,愈入骨缠绵,

    不如绝相连,俐落割丝线。

    – 晴

    Writer’s notes:

    This piece was first started in April of 2017. Then, I was a different person with a different life, but the feelings of the time remain as real to me as ever. I wanted to express a sentiment in my mother tongue that I could not in my native one, but — rusty from disuse — I could not complete this poem. There were several attempts through the years, captured by the revision history. It was not until a trip in Beijing, when my inner voice significantly switched partially to Mandarin, that I could sit down with this writing again, and finally wrap up a poem 8 years in the making.

    September 21, 2025

  • Excerpts

    I have been thinking a lot about flowers lately. How they bloom; their delicacy and resilience.

    I intended to have a green garden — wide leaves and lush foliage, but I couldn’t help gravitating to these flowering types. In my balcony now sits three pots (I couldn’t bear to kill too many at once). Fuschia bougainvillea, hisbiscus that turned from a burnt orange to scarlet in my care, and jasmine. Their petals litter my floor.

    Why are flowers fragrant to us? And to insects and birds? What about the compounds are attractive? Is it by happenstance that we, too, enjoy their scent, or are we unwitting pollinators drawn to the same olfactory allure?


    I have, also, been thinking endlessly about a book I’ve reviewed some time ago: The Dispossessed by Ursula K. Le Guin.

    Particularly, its conception of freedom.

    “Because our men and women are free—possessing nothing, they are free. And you the possessors are possessed.”

    We grew up in the golden age of Hollywood, fed on stories of the Great American Freedom. The freedom of speech, the freedom to own arms. But what is freedom, if you can say anything you want without recourse, but can be spoken of and spoken to in any way others may wish? What is freedom, if it is a weapon that makes going to school unsafe, it it takes away life – the very means of our freedom?

    “To be responsible [for] one another is our freedom.”


    I continue to mourn the end of the internet. I remember the days when every friend had a blog, whether they enjoyed writing or not. They wrote for no monetary returns, no concept of ‘followers’. They wrote to the void, to an invisible audience, and found pleasure in the act itself.

    What happened to thinking, what happened to our digital third space? These are things I grieve for daily.

    I extend this grief to the end of critical thinking, the value that is ascribed to critical thinking. Forget about critical, simply thinking. I was told it’s no longer needed to survive. But I don’t wish to merely survive, as an amoeba would. I want to be human.


    Things I will write about soon! because I hold on to this space as an extension of me:

    – My wedding(s)

    – Dreams of an eaten world

    – Some excellent books reads

    – Some excellent movies watched

    September 16, 2025

  • Do we celebrate the birthday of the dead?

    Every year is a year lost, and the years we had were so much yet never enough.

    This time of the year, I think of you more often that I do usually.

    Your birthday, set as Reccuring Forever, remains on my calendar.

    It is your birthday today.

    Someone told me once you are not meant to celebrate the birthday of the dead. For each year there is no turning of the age; a reminder of the recurrence set with casual certainty that they will come, but didn’t.

    But I wish to celebrate your birthday in my privacy. I celebrate that day years before I was born, when you were. For you were here, and for that many happy decades you were ours. The time I had with you was perhaps brief in comparison. Yet it was my entire lifetime, at some point. My childhood and my coming-of-age. And through the winds and tides, I see your face in the sail. Sturdy and always towards me.

    That one time at the Japanese restaurant, you bid me eat more. Your concern mellow but consistent. Your voice over the phone, a quiet laugh to diffuse my childish doubts. At my shows. When I first moved out. At your home, a difficult day, the last few, when you apologised when you were the last person who should. I should, we should, the world should. Yet you did.

    An thank you seemed too thin. You were more than a courtesy.

    Your grip on my fingers, just before the page stopped turning. How much effort must it have taken you? That you suffered but tried so hard for us is always what rises that terrible stone to my chest.

    But today, today, I celebrate your birthday. I celebrate every year you were around. For the joy you had and gave and shared. With the rest of my life I celebrate yours.

    August 24, 2025

  • Love

    How did we get from not wanting a wedding ceremony…

    To having three celebrations, in two countries?

    I need to get around to recording these memories in earnest — once I have the official photos ready!

    June 29, 2025

  • More of Hougang, before I forget

    The old man with the hats. He is most often sitting at Hougang bus interchange, but could be spotted anywhere else in the neighbourhood. Coffeeshops, on the streets. Short, squat, with a blank expression. He fashions fantastical hats you wouldn’t dream of. His signature: a skullcap made up flattened Coke cans, and perched atop is a rubber ducky. Other favorites are his festive-themed Fortune God hat, with Cai Shen Ye proudly unfurling couplet scrolls from the crown.

    The fights. Between couples, between families. Loud and public. One family, in particular, in the block across from us. Between window grilles I poked my nose out, trying to put a visual to that child’s shrieks which are terrifying, urgent, matched only by the desperate scoldings of its parent. I’ve never seen them, but heard enough for a lifetime. From the adjacent block, a man holding a chopper chases a woman across the parking lot.

    And, in the shops surrounding this parking lot, back when the crowd were boxed in by uncleared grassy fields, young men traded hands furtively, too obvious even to my 9-year-old eyes.

    Across the street from this parking lot, a little park that hosted getai for many years every 7th month of the lunar calendar, before getai was no longer in demand. Sin Heng Kee porridge, those massive pots where they stirred the most delicious congee you’d have had. That one staff lady who was teased when I was there once, for I was, inexplicably, her oǔ xiàng (idol)? To this day I do not understand what transpired.

    Hougang One. Sakae Sushi, with its conveyer belt, a happy indulgence a few times a week. Peak luxury to me, at the time. The billiards shop right across to it, that one day many years later I would play at, just once. And just in the hawker centre a few minutes walk away, the famous A Star Western, with its massive chops and fish and chips with decadent tar tar sauce.

    In another part of Hougang, a landed home where the Mugger’s Club was formed, as we studied together for ‘O’ levels. Day in and out, together in that living room, eating huge pots of pasta. Not remembering any studying done, only the games and silliness.

    Again, another part of Hougang less familiar to me, but still felt like home anyway, where I visited twice a week throughout my University days to give tuition to C. She had the same name as my best friend, and I liked her too, half-German, half-Indian, earnest and sweet. She had big dreams and ambitions, and wanted to be a nice girl. Her father was a horror show, and her mother delayed payment to me for months after we completed her tuition – sending me apologetic and evasive messages riddled with unnecessary umlauts. Once, she made spätzle which tasted like puke.

    But let’s end on a happy note.

    Ciyuan Community Club, where Popo and I went to sing karaoke, just us. Where we ate at the open-spaced hawker centre with those giant fans overhead, long-limbed and slumberous. Where Kym Ng happened to be filming there, for a food review, and – sitting just a few tables away – my ever-free-spirited Popo said aloud “Oh that’s Kym Ng! Used to be famous, now not anymore.”

    June 6, 2025

  • Theatre Review: VAMPYR by Manuela Infante

    Photo Credits: SIFA

    Kindly sponsored by my dear friend Xin, we watched the last and matinee show of VAMPYR at the Drama Centre Theatre.

    Beginning with a lot of ha-ha-has and hoo-hoos, jangly bones, halloween-esque faces pulled, our vampiric duo made their entrance. It was a long entrance. For the first what felt like minutes, I was tickled and mildly impressed by their physicality, quality of voice.

    After awhile I felt bad that this sequence was not garnering the laughter it obviously was soliciting. Was I amused? Yes! Was I guilty enough to fake laugh a little? I did.

    VAMPYR was entertaining enough.

    Some sequences, imageries, and moments held their own. And of these, a few were held too long, and broke the spell.

    While I enjoy a good multi-use metaphor, the somewhat ham-fisted and shallow usage of its titular vampire left me wondering. While I get that the night shift workers’ nocturnal and poor working environment made them as good as the undead, the blood-sucking ways of corporations made them vampires, and literal vampiric bats were impacted by the greenwashing… what was the ultimate intention of the running metaphor?

    What was similar about them, or are we highlighting a contrast? In any case, despite the continuous delight in hammering in this metaphor, it seemed to have no further meaning besides being a nifty gimmick.

    Things I would have liked to see:

    More showing, less telling (most of the revelations came through exposition, which was a waste). More leveraging of the actors extraordinary talent, with their bodies, their voices, and chemistry.

    More precision and conciseness. They could have shaved a good 20 min off and made it extra good.

    More consistency. The nature of these vampiric beings switch in and out. I do not mean between the three vampiric metaphors, but even within each, there was too great a variation in movement, speech, even costume, for me to grasp a ready line that weaves the bigger picture together.

    A sequence of things happening, and a story, somewhat. I’m glad to have watched it anyway, if not purely for a good time and entertainment. It could, and had very real potential to, have had more depth to it.

    Also, for a play about greenwashing, they sure use a lot of plastic! (Joke. I’m sure they recycle. But it was a lot.)

    June 4, 2025

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