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    I have been thinking a lot about flowers lately. How they bloom; their delicacy and resilience.

    I intended to have a green garden — wide leaves and lush foliage, but I couldn’t help gravitating to these flowering types. In my balcony now sits three pots (I couldn’t bear to kill too many at once). Fuschia bougainvillea, hisbiscus that turned from a burnt orange to scarlet in my care, and jasmine. Their petals litter my floor.

    Why are flowers fragrant to us? And to insects and birds? What about the compounds are attractive? Is it by happenstance that we, too, enjoy their scent, or are we unwitting pollinators drawn to the same olfactory allure?


    I have, also, been thinking endlessly about a book I’ve reviewed some time ago: The Dispossessed by Ursula K. Le Guin.

    Particularly, its conception of freedom.

    “Because our men and women are free—possessing nothing, they are free. And you the possessors are possessed.”

    We grew up in the golden age of Hollywood, fed on stories of the Great American Freedom. The freedom of speech, the freedom to own arms. But what is freedom, if you can say anything you want without recourse, but can be spoken of and spoken to in any way others may wish? What is freedom, if it is a weapon that makes going to school unsafe, it it takes away life – the very means of our freedom?

    “To be responsible [for] one another is our freedom.”


    I continue to mourn the end of the internet. I remember the days when every friend had a blog, whether they enjoyed writing or not. They wrote for no monetary returns, no concept of ‘followers’. They wrote to the void, to an invisible audience, and found pleasure in the act itself.

    What happened to thinking, what happened to our digital third space? These are things I grieve for daily.

    I extend this grief to the end of critical thinking, the value that is ascribed to critical thinking. Forget about critical, simply thinking. I was told it’s no longer needed to survive. But I don’t wish to merely survive, as an amoeba would. I want to be human.


    Things I will write about soon! because I hold on to this space as an extension of me:

    – My wedding(s)

    – Dreams of an eaten world

    – Some excellent books reads

    – Some excellent movies watched

    September 16, 2025

  • Do we celebrate the birthday of the dead?

    Every year is a year lost, and the years we had were so much yet never enough.

    This time of the year, I think of you more often that I do usually.

    Your birthday, set as Reccuring Forever, remains on my calendar.

    It is your birthday today.

    Someone told me once you are not meant to celebrate the birthday of the dead. For each year there is no turning of the age; a reminder of the recurrence set with casual certainty that they will come, but didn’t.

    But I wish to celebrate your birthday in my privacy. I celebrate that day years before I was born, when you were. For you were here, and for that many happy decades you were ours. The time I had with you was perhaps brief in comparison. Yet it was my entire lifetime, at some point. My childhood and my coming-of-age. And through the winds and tides, I see your face in the sail. Sturdy and always towards me.

    That one time at the Japanese restaurant, you bid me eat more. Your concern mellow but consistent. Your voice over the phone, a quiet laugh to diffuse my childish doubts. At my shows. When I first moved out. At your home, a difficult day, the last few, when you apologised when you were the last person who should. I should, we should, the world should. Yet you did.

    An thank you seemed too thin. You were more than a courtesy.

    Your grip on my fingers, just before the page stopped turning. How much effort must it have taken you? That you suffered but tried so hard for us is always what rises that terrible stone to my chest.

    But today, today, I celebrate your birthday. I celebrate every year you were around. For the joy you had and gave and shared. With the rest of my life I celebrate yours.

    August 24, 2025

  • Love

    How did we get from not wanting a wedding ceremony…

    To having three celebrations, in two countries?

    I need to get around to recording these memories in earnest — once I have the official photos ready!

    June 29, 2025

  • More of Hougang, before I forget

    The old man with the hats. He is most often sitting at Hougang bus interchange, but could be spotted anywhere else in the neighbourhood. Coffeeshops, on the streets. Short, squat, with a blank expression. He fashions fantastical hats you wouldn’t dream of. His signature: a skullcap made up flattened Coke cans, and perched atop is a rubber ducky. Other favorites are his festive-themed Fortune God hat, with Cai Shen Ye proudly unfurling couplet scrolls from the crown.

    The fights. Between couples, between families. Loud and public. One family, in particular, in the block across from us. Between window grilles I poked my nose out, trying to put a visual to that child’s shrieks which are terrifying, urgent, matched only by the desperate scoldings of its parent. I’ve never seen them, but heard enough for a lifetime. From the adjacent block, a man holding a chopper chases a woman across the parking lot.

    And, in the shops surrounding this parking lot, back when the crowd were boxed in by uncleared grassy fields, young men traded hands furtively, too obvious even to my 9-year-old eyes.

    Across the street from this parking lot, a little park that hosted getai for many years every 7th month of the lunar calendar, before getai was no longer in demand. Sin Heng Kee porridge, those massive pots where they stirred the most delicious congee you’d have had. That one staff lady who was teased when I was there once, for I was, inexplicably, her oǔ xiàng (idol)? To this day I do not understand what transpired.

    Hougang One. Sakae Sushi, with its conveyer belt, a happy indulgence a few times a week. Peak luxury to me, at the time. The billiards shop right across to it, that one day many years later I would play at, just once. And just in the hawker centre a few minutes walk away, the famous A Star Western, with its massive chops and fish and chips with decadent tar tar sauce.

    In another part of Hougang, a landed home where the Mugger’s Club was formed, as we studied together for ‘O’ levels. Day in and out, together in that living room, eating huge pots of pasta. Not remembering any studying done, only the games and silliness.

    Again, another part of Hougang less familiar to me, but still felt like home anyway, where I visited twice a week throughout my University days to give tuition to C. She had the same name as my best friend, and I liked her too, half-German, half-Indian, earnest and sweet. She had big dreams and ambitions, and wanted to be a nice girl. Her father was a horror show, and her mother delayed payment to me for months after we completed her tuition – sending me apologetic and evasive messages riddled with unnecessary umlauts. Once, she made spätzle which tasted like puke.

    But let’s end on a happy note.

    Ciyuan Community Club, where Popo and I went to sing karaoke, just us. Where we ate at the open-spaced hawker centre with those giant fans overhead, long-limbed and slumberous. Where Kym Ng happened to be filming there, for a food review, and – sitting just a few tables away – my ever-free-spirited Popo said aloud “Oh that’s Kym Ng! Used to be famous, now not anymore.”

    June 6, 2025

  • Theatre Review: VAMPYR by Manuela Infante

    Photo Credits: SIFA

    Kindly sponsored by my dear friend Xin, we watched the last and matinee show of VAMPYR at the Drama Centre Theatre.

    Beginning with a lot of ha-ha-has and hoo-hoos, jangly bones, halloween-esque faces pulled, our vampiric duo made their entrance. It was a long entrance. For the first what felt like minutes, I was tickled and mildly impressed by their physicality, quality of voice.

    After awhile I felt bad that this sequence was not garnering the laughter it obviously was soliciting. Was I amused? Yes! Was I guilty enough to fake laugh a little? I did.

    VAMPYR was entertaining enough.

    Some sequences, imageries, and moments held their own. And of these, a few were held too long, and broke the spell.

    While I enjoy a good multi-use metaphor, the somewhat ham-fisted and shallow usage of its titular vampire left me wondering. While I get that the night shift workers’ nocturnal and poor working environment made them as good as the undead, the blood-sucking ways of corporations made them vampires, and literal vampiric bats were impacted by the greenwashing… what was the ultimate intention of the running metaphor?

    What was similar about them, or are we highlighting a contrast? In any case, despite the continuous delight in hammering in this metaphor, it seemed to have no further meaning besides being a nifty gimmick.

    Things I would have liked to see:

    More showing, less telling (most of the revelations came through exposition, which was a waste). More leveraging of the actors extraordinary talent, with their bodies, their voices, and chemistry.

    More precision and conciseness. They could have shaved a good 20 min off and made it extra good.

    More consistency. The nature of these vampiric beings switch in and out. I do not mean between the three vampiric metaphors, but even within each, there was too great a variation in movement, speech, even costume, for me to grasp a ready line that weaves the bigger picture together.

    A sequence of things happening, and a story, somewhat. I’m glad to have watched it anyway, if not purely for a good time and entertainment. It could, and had very real potential to, have had more depth to it.

    Also, for a play about greenwashing, they sure use a lot of plastic! (Joke. I’m sure they recycle. But it was a lot.)

    June 4, 2025

  • May Reads: The Covenant of Water by Abraham Verghese

    This review will be totally biased given my penchant for:

    • Multigenerational stories (Min Jin Lee’s Pachinko, Yaa Gyasi’s Homegoing, Gabriel Garcia Márquez’s One Hundred Years of Solitude)
    • Female protagonist / point of view
    • Anything set in India and/or written by an Indian author

    Set in the state of Kerala, along the Malabar coast, this is a watery, evocative novel that takes its time to meander through the river of life. It begins as a bildungsroman of Big Ammachi (as a young bride), branching into multiple characters, interconnected by relationships, maladies, and themes of love, loss, grief, redemption — you know, the usual.

    All this is against a backdrop of the Saint Thomas Christian community in Kerala, and historical events spanning the 20th century: British colonialisation and eventual independence, rise of Naxalism, and the shifts – or lack of – in the caste system.

    I recommend this for an immersive read, if you want to be convincingly pulled into a tale of heartbreak and hope, of human strength and weaknesses. And especially if you enjoy novels set vividly in a particular place, time, and culture.

    Rating — 4/5

    June 1, 2025

  • May Reads: Solaris, The Lathe of Heaven

    To read Solaris (Stanisław Lem) and The Lathe of Heaven (Ursula K. Le Guin) one after another is akin to having a chain of fever dreams. Both center around bringing creation through imagination, hallucination and dreams; both feature a psychlogiest, and an alien species. Yet, despite their superficial similarities, the two slim novels could not be more different.

    Solaris — timeless, sterile, didactic — is a philosophical exposition on belief, religion, and unknowability of an alien being. The Lathe of Heaven — decidedly vintage, with all the fixings of a 70s sci-fi — explores the ethics of human influence and the dangers of playing God.

    I first read Solaris, told from the perspective of a psychologist in space, Kelvin, who finds himself unable (or unwilling) to separate reality from hallucination. The narrative cuts in and out from the current setting to pedantic excerpts from history and research.

    I say pedantic not negatively: up in space, amidst the eerie and unfamiliar, you’re submerged in the surreal, and to intersperse this suffocating surrealism with clinical diatribes was a clever move by Lem. The sharp contrast brings you away from the plot, which is a mere vehicle to greater questions the author is asking:

    How do we reckon with and pretend to understand a foreign entity – whose motivations, composition and, in fact, fundamental cellular structure so greatly differ from ours? How does our understanding of god, belief, a higher being, reinforce the need to understand and interact with the utter unknown?

    Lem has publicly denounced the overwrought film adaptation by Tarkovsky (Solaris, 1972), and along this thread, I genuinely believe he would have turned a few in his grave when Interstellar hit the screens.

    But enough of Solaris. We now come to The Lathe of Heaven.

    “Everything dreams. The play of form, of being, is the dreaming of substance. Rocks have their dreams, and the earth changes….”

    TLoH was a delightful read. Here, plot and idealogy play equal role in moving the narrative, and Le Guin took her liberties and had fun with it. (If you can call multiple ways of envisioning an apocalypse / dystopia fun.) Characters were meticulously and colorfully built.

    In both novels, you can truly only name three signficant characters.

    Yet unlike the desolation and isolation pervading Solaris, you find breaths of hope and warmth in TLoH. That is not to say you will not be broken by reminders that we are, as human, essentially hapless – despite and because of the influence we can exert on reality.

    I love Le Guin’s works and this one did not disappoint. It could very well vie for my top spot from her repertoire (currently, The Dispossessed).

    I enjoyed the reading of TLoH, but have to say that because Solaris was so minimalist and atmospheric, it stuck in my mind for much longer. While I did not set out to read these two in succession, I’m glad I did and highly recommend both novels, and reading them together.

    Solaris — 4.5/5
    The Lathe of Heaven — 4.5/5

    June 1, 2025

  • 焦

    The kind of day that smells like burnt toast, crisp to its core. Even the frenzied, strangled cries of our city rooster are quelled.

    One doesn’t have to look out to know the air has taken on a gauzy quality, vibrating with an excess of energy.

    I feel it, already, on my cheek. The one facing a window in the spot I have taken to meditate. A welcome warmth all too quickly (in seconds) deepens into a sear, and even with eyes closed, pricks of sunlight draw patterns behind my lids.

    How far this light has travelled. How dwarfed I am by the distance and by the immensity of conceivable space. From the sun to here, and beyond –

    I am not supposed to think about that though, not yet. Now I’m supposed to think about ‘grounding’ my infinitesimally small body and its relation to this infinitesimally small space of my home I spend most of my days.

    The heat makes this difficult, makes me impatient, an all too familiar restlessness from being cooked soles up. Ants on a frying pan, 烧焦、焦急、焦虑。

    And this restless meditation is punctuated by the creaking of things expanding. Rusty old bones popping out of their joints, protesting the heat, but still standing. How buildings are built.

    May 30, 2025

  • Just a leaf

    I am terrible at meditation.

    How hard can it be to quiet one’s thoughts in the absence of external stimuli? The answer seems to be: incredibly so. Concerningly so.

    This has always been the case, the running brain, the ever-buzzing. But since I’ve been plagued by a host of health issues (or, that they came into conscious focus), it has been out of control.

    I thought I was good and had learnt all the lessons I needed to learn, but that is so far from the truth. I’m only beginning, or have not even begun in earnest.

    You can be right at the peak of a mountain, but find yourself only a quivering leaf, swept away off course by the whims of just the tiniest puff of wind. Not by any means a firmly planted boulder or determined goat.

    Anyway, I will try this meditation business again tomorrow.

    I never knew how dependent my mind is on my body for intense physical activity, used as a crutch and a distraction. I need to go out and smell some flowers, and be okay with just that.

    Is this how it feels like to be depressed? This… moroseness. The sick, squirming feeling in the pit of one’s core, of not being the right person in the right place with the right life; of wanting to escape this very moment, your body, self, and place, and of feeling homesick for something when you’re already home.

    May 29, 2025

  • original thought

    Two things I miss most about the old internet: personal blogs and forums.

    What happened to that? People writing. Organically. For no purpose than to share their lives and thoughts and interests.

    With no concern for commercial gain, nor image and brand building. When did we start commodifying our selves and our thoughts, and will we ever stop?

    Has that time really passed us for ever?

    Sometimes I feel like a lone voice in a sea of void, holding on to the last vestiges of raw, unfiltered writers on the internet.

    Finding an old, abandoned blog of a peer is like visiting a graveyard. I mourn its end and that eternal effigy and death date stoically carved into its last post. The death often – no, always – without warning.

    Forums had more insiduous an evolution. At some point we fell off the cliff, a slippery silence. You no longer have that one real interaction that doesn’t feel like an echo from a faceless throng or mass of bots.

    I struggle to encapsulate this difference.

    Forums didn’t use to be a place to say your say, at least not only that.

    They were a place for genuine connection. Even with complete anonymity, you feel known by a human. Gaiaonline. Taverns. Chatterboxes. Just a stream of nothing important, but even pointless response then felt that much more … personal, than an entire Reddit thread.

    Even KidsCentral.sg forums. I knew and could conceive of the person with their keyboard, their earnestness of thought; their being in context of time, space, and life.

    Now, I see only an array of funhouse mirrors, distorted variations of the same me, the same voice, stretched, squashed, or made silly, cleverer, but an identical thing repeated ad nauseum.

    May 26, 2025

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