Q

A 31-ounce Trenta.

Which, if you ask me, is what I’d use to kill my horse.

Like, if I had a horse. And in the unlikely event that I’d want to kill my horse if I had one.

THE POINT BEING. This is insane. I mean, maybe it’s just me, but a Tall’s enough to start a mini-clubbing arena up in my head complete with bad techno music and sequin bedecked lians, driving me to stay up the entire night creating the mother of all internal monologues. So a Trenta will.. no I won’t even go there.

This is not freaking Big Gulp, which is basically just made of nonsense and coloring. So at worst, you’ll pee out all the nonsense and your organs will be neon blue or whatever. THIS IS MADE OUT OF EFFING HUNDRED TONNES OF CAFFEINE. It is something that, if given to any teen about 30 years back, would have the immediate effect of having his liver shrivel up and fall out through his asshole.

Starbucks is becoming yet another one of those scary world-dominating organizations alongside MacDonald’s and Facebook and THAT. IS. BAD. I mean, they totally encourage studying in their premises (which is WEIRD enough; look at the times we got chased out of Coffee Bean and Macs).

And they, as the years go by, introduce larger (and more expensive) versions of their cup poison. So much so that we gradually train our systems to take this massive and unnatural amount of caffeine without spasming on the spot and dying. One day we’ll be drinking out of freaking BUCKETS, really. And then Starbucks can go ahead to add in traces of mind-controlling substances and by then we’ll no longer operate under our own will.

No, one day we’ll be Macs eating, Starbucks drinking, Facebook using left4dead insomniac living corpses who- OMG.

OMG. We already are that.