Q

in the library today, the guy beside me wrote me a note.

as he was leaving, he kind of bent down to pick the note up (??) and placed it on my table and walked away. the note, to summarize, wished me luck for As. he was apparently also from Hwachong (i think he’s a graduate). it was heartening.. VERY, actually; i was dying away inside with every vector i had to intersect, and to have someone tell you he understands how shitty it is and assure you that it’ll turn out fine – it gives you the happy gotong-royong (i got this from SEAHistory HAH.) feel. besides, it’s always nice to have a random stranger show that he or she cares.

i was revelling in this sporadic act of kindness and it could have ended really nicely BUT this is not Chicken Soup for Your Mugger Soul so unfortunately we didn’t just float away in happy oblivion. he came back after awhile with a friend and sat a little way off, forcing me to contemplate the different approaches i had to take in this inconclusive encounter with Nice Note Guy. there and then i had a mini panic attack. what do i do to maintain this a comfortably distanced interaction with just altruism on his side and gratefulness on mine, without having to go through the cripplingly awkward formalities when stranger meets stranger?

I KNOW THIS MAKES ME SOUND SOCIALLY INEPT, because the polite thing would be to smile.. or something. (aside: i did a quick psychoanalytical breakdown of my mental disorientation. why the hell am i acting like i’m socially awkward when i am usually not? then i realized, i’m only adept at receiving negative social judgement – wholly due to my tendency to be a total retard in every possible social scene. i’m used to a specific trend of treatment, so when it comes to NICE, NORMAL, FRIENDLY socially things like this, my acutely honed social skills would have prepared me for nilch. in other words, i’m just really good at social damage control [because it is given that i would have done something dumb], but have no idea how to act when someone treats me NOT as a spazz. /end sad revelation of sad spastic self)

back to the situation of many choices which may or may not ruin this beautiful act of altruism. these were my choices and the projected subsequent consequences:

a) as i leave, i say to him ‘thanks for the note’. (BUT WHEN DO I SAY IT? LIKE BESIDE HIM? OR WHAT IF HE’S NOT LOOKING AT ME THEN DO I TAP HIS SHOULDERS? I HATE SHOULDER TAPPERS.)

1. he will remain silent and we will stare at each other in awkward silence as a million gay babies spring forth from a million wombs. he thinks: ‘what a stupid girl. i obviously WROTE you the note because i am consciously avoiding direct verbal interaction right? i shall stare at you in awkward silence until you leave.’

2. he will turn out to be the pompous type who loves intruding into another’s business. he says: ‘oh GREAT. i have been waiting for you to acknowledge it. tell me what subjects are you taking. you’re taking history? ok what’s your grade. tell me what prajadhipok’s greatest attribution as a nationalist is. pass me one of your history essays and let me critique it because i am pompous and nosey.’ which will be very traumatic for me because i) i suck at history and ii) it would totally ruin the idea of a nice Nice Note Guy.

3. he says: ‘what note?’ because he totally wasn’t the one who wrote it and just picked it up from the floor for me. (which is highly improbable but since we’re talking possibilities here let’s be thorough.)

b) as i leave, i smile.

1. he misinterprets it as a sneer and thinks i’m mocking him.

2. he does not look at me and i would have to stand there for awhile until he DOES look at me. then i smile. and how retarded would that be?

3. he is pompous and nosey: ‘oh GREAT. i…’ etc.

c) i just leave and pretend i didn’t see him.

1. he thinks: ‘OMG WHAT A UNGRATEFUL ILL-MANNERED BITCH. i will never send nice encouraging notes that are well-intentioned but may perpetuate much psychological turmoil for mentally-unstable receivers, ever again.’

2. he is a sensitive dude and is deeply disturbed by the etiquette-ly bankrupt state of the society. for nights he will be plagued by my moral decadence and empty consciences of the general people. then he will decide to steel his heart up to level with the equally insensitive masses and become a Mean Note Guy.

either way i would have built a Frankenstein because of my own social disorder.

SO, ANYWAYS. just at the moment when i had to make a decision that may or may not determine the social mores of Singapore’s future, something miraculous (for the second time that day) happened.

while all my crazy conjectures and premonitions were desperately evaluated, the very basal portion of my brain developed a random bubble of thought JUST as i was in the perfect proximity of contact with him. this was the thought: ‘oh my god should i buy crispy chicken for dinner? ’cause i totally want crispy chicken. yes i should, YES I WILL! YES!!! CRISPY CHICKEN!!!’ in the five seconds taken to formulate and excite over this decision, I HAVE ALREADY PASSED NICE NOTE GUY. which means, no action was undertaken – i missed the chance to screw up. so, this being dealt with.. sort of, i went to eat crispy chicken.

there are three lessons you can take home with you from this:

firstly, don’t be stupid. just accept the kindness and move on.

secondly, there are really really truly nice people on this Earth despite them unintentionally leading to my confusing mental breakdown.

lastly, crispy chicken can always be counted on to entangle yourself from awkward social scenes.

that is all.