Q

I’ve always had a problem with Taylor Swift’s You Belong With Me. It strikes me as assuming, self-righteous, biased, and even hypocritical. In the first place, theboythesongwaswrittenfor (hereby known as Boy) must have chosen girltaylorswiftbitchesabout (thereafter known as Bitched) for a reason. She was either

A) genuinely a worthy girlfriend – in which case Taylor was wrong in wishing they’d break up for her own selfish wishes, especially since she did it by basically being hot during prom, OR
B) a true bitchtart, which says a lot about how dense Boy is, and how he’s attracted to hots basically, highlighted by his turn in affection after Taylor transforms by removing her glasses during prom.

Either way, Taylor and Boy are highly misguided people.

A brief dissection:

You’re on the phone with your girlfriend, she’s upset
She’s going off about something that you said
‘Cause she doesn’t get your humor like I do

Unless she’s a complete monster devoid of humane reason (in which case see B), there must be a reason Bitched freaked out over Boy’s ‘humor’ which she doesn’t get. Think about it. Maybe Boy’s humor is of the derogatory, sexist, or crude variety. Maybe that’s why Bitched got set off: because he was being a complete asshat – and one who thinks he’s funny at that. And because Taylor is a lovelorn bag of desperation, she’s willing to swallow all of Boy’s douchebaggery and by extension claims she ‘gets’ his douchebag humor.

Essentially, Boy is an ass and Taylor enjoys kissing his ass.

I’m in the room, it’s a typical Tuesday night
I’m listening to the kind of music she doesn’t like
And she’ll never know your story like I do

Oh God NO YOU JUDGMENTAL HYPOCRITE. If we go metatext here, Taylor Swift is in fact saying Bitched would never like Taylor Swift songs (which already makes her significantly more likeable than Taylor Swift). Or perhaps this is another one of those hipster my-songs-are-more-superior-than-yours, if-you-don’t-listen-to-indie-you’re-not-in-my-ranks kind of thing. BITCH PLEASE. Who are you to say that the Pussycat Dolls or Justin Timberlake isn’t any better than whatever is the ‘kind of music she doesn’t like’? ALSO, does music compatibility even MATTER out of 500 Days of Summer and Nick and Norah’s Magical Playlist of Wonderful Indie?

You know what Taylor, NO. No it doesn’t.

And you probably know his ‘story’ because you are a stalker.

But she wears short skirts, I wear T-shirts
She’s Cheer Captain and I’m on the bleachers
Dreaming about the day when you wake up and find
That what you’re looking for has been here the whole time

This verse offends me deeply. The blatant condemnation of short skirts, for one. What makes you think you’re in any way better, just because you’re a T-Shirt wearer? What makes someone who bothers about how she looks like any less than you who enjoys the comfort of casual shirts. Nothing. Nothing, Taylor. Stop it with your stereotypes. Stop insulting anyone who tries to do something with their lives instead of sitting at home on Tuesday night in T-shirts stalking people (which ironically is often what I find myself doing hurhurhur).

And again comes your generalization of cheerleaders. Are you a sucker for B-grade tween made-for-TV movies, Taylor? Are you? Because your entire prejudice against Cheer Captain, obvious from your disdainful description of Bitched – seems to be shaped from watching one a two many chick flicks, in which case can I suggest you take your own advice and try matching your taste in film to something as apparently glorified as your taste in music. The fact that she is Cheer Captain probably means that SHE IS GOOD AT WHAT SHE DOES and has LEADERSHIP POTENTIAL and also, FRIENDS – which she must have acquired from hard work and being proactive. A concept you obviously do not understand because you prefer to ‘dream’ passively.

And you’re on the bleachers. Well boo-hoo poor you. K. No one cares.

Standing by and waiting at your back door
All this time, how could you not know?
Baby, you belong with me, you belong with me

This borders on obsessive, and you being obsessed with someone =/= he belongs to you. That’s the kind of stuff CRIMINALS believe in. Those who end up sending creepy letters and when jilted stab their object of affection with swiss knives and get sent away. Also the fact that you’d stand by and wait at his back door suggests a total lack of self-respect, in line with our earlier conclusion that Taylor is of little opinion of her own – choosing instead to concur with Boy and his crappy degrading humor.

WHO ARE YOU TO DECIDE WHO BELONGS TO YOU, TAYLOR SWIFT? If you ‘understand’ and ‘get’ Boy so much, then why don’t you respect his decision and stop making things difficult by posing as a friend when in fact you’re consciously seducing him with flash cards across the road and planning a huge makeover to charm him during prom and VERY POSSIBLY sabotaging his relationship with Bitched the ENTIRE TIME. That just makes you a bad, scheming person, Taylor Swift. Not a deserving, understanding friend who eventually became Boy’s lover.

You used means of beauty (which you very recently dissed as artificial and superficial, because, yknw, you wear T-SHIRTS AND SNEAKERS and is therefore more compatible with Boy) to turn Boy against Bitched, which makes you no different from everything you’ve bitched about Bitched. OH, WAIT. NO. It makes you WORSE because you weren’t Boy’s girlfriend to begin with and secondly: HYPOCRITE.

It’s such a bad song it makes me mad.