Q

Day 04: How have you changed in the past 2 years

A lot. A LOT. I don’t think there’s ever been two years in my life where i’ve changed so drastically. It mostly took place in the first six months of ’10 and the six after A levels. Fundamentally i’m still the same – i like the same things (‘cept now i understand why i do), love the same friends (with the addition of a few more), am interested in everything, the same convictions.. but yeah i’ve changed.

Mainly:

– I’m less batshit.. and more rational. If you read my posts in the beginning of ’10, i’m all over the place. Even i get tired reading myself because it’s like i’m constantly OD’ed on caffeine. Not sure where that source of energy came from, but i’ve somewhat exhausted that through JC years (which were tedious). Rationality probably came with age.

– I’m less shameless. I have achieved a shred of social consciousness! This is because of Hwachong. I’m not even gonna sugarcoat it: very few in Hwachong can take a joke. People take things so damn seriously. Certain things you do in SN, and everyone laughs along, plays along, or fuels it. Do the same in Hwachong and it can be taken very seriously. Tell a dirty joke (as a girl) and people stare/condone/judge. A worthy example would be how i went on about people Googling ‘Hwa Chong slut’ and getting on my blog. So it became a joke. I guess some took it at face value because word-of-mouth what people (i didn’t even know) heard was that i was known as the Hwachong flirt. THE FAX. That’s the last thing i did while in HC please. So, right. I’ve toned down a lot of the whole social inappropriateness thing, really.

– I no longer tell my parents everything. Actually, i don’t tell them much anymore. Initially it was because i was in that school-hating period (i dreaded school every morning for months), and thought they’d never understand why because they were the ones who made me choose HC in the first place. When I got used to Hwach, things got better – but i’ve grown up and understood that they don’t necessarily have the power to make everything okay for me. Nor do they know what’s the best for me. Start of ’12, shifting family dynamics and all made me all the more certain of that. Sometimes i think i’m the one who makes most sense in the entire house, so i keep mostly to myself. Unless i need food, money, or transport.

– I can think better. Intellectually, i think JC has done me good. While high school was mostly spoon feeding and memorizing, JC work was a challenge. And secretly i loved that. I loved GP and the arguments i was forced to come up with for AQ and essays. I loved history (although i failed consistently before As) because i actually had to exert myself to think and analyse. I loved economics because i felt like i was learning things that applied to the real world. I loved literature more than i ever did because i had the freedom to explore. I loved ma- no who am i kidding? I practically felt my neuron links strengthening every semester. That’s really what i look for in an education – despite my constant whining about work and the fatigue that comes with it – the need for me to use my brain to it’s maximum capacity (and to expand that capacity). Remnant desire to learn persisted after As, and i read up on everything like a cray.

– I feel less. Refer to few blog posts down.

– I don’t know how this is significant, but diet-wise i’ve matured as well. Frankly.. why my diet shifted was because my hypochondria told me i was at high risk of colon cancer. Yeah it was a legit scare. I used to be really into junky American fat kid food. Everything i ate must be: a) processed b) fried c) loaded with cheese d) heart disease inducing. Throughout JC i tried various cuisines and found that i liked them.. but still abhorred anything healthy. Eventually i grew fond of fruits, accepted (some) vegetables, and left behind Fat Kid food. I didn’t expect this to happen but: food’s a lot nicer this way. My sense of taste became more refined and sensitive and it helps me appreciate real food.. instead of inhaling junk which was my lifestyle awhile ago.

– My ideals. About relationships. I don’t have expectations anymore, be it from a friend or boyfriend. I don’t think you can call it cynical.. i won’t ever want to be that. But i’m practical and i’m always prepared to be disappointed. I know that sounds really sad, but it works. The only one i set expectations for is myself. I’m the hardest on myself, no one else. Not sure when this happened but it was a gradual thing i guess these two years made me realize how everyone’s fallible and you can’t change that you can only change yourself. I still love people though – failings and all, so no worries.

– I need to be alone more often. Someone once told me that he’d never been good friends with an extrovert and since i was one, i must be a closet introvert. After some thought I’ve concluded that these labels are arbitrary. Everyone is none and both. We can love being around others but we all need time to ourselves. I have the best time with others, but I’ll suffer a breakdown unless I get a day off just being alone. Recently my reclusive period’s been longer than usual – it’s ending soon though cuz I’m starting to miss all my friends and want to see them badly.