Q

It’s that time of the cycle again where my maternal desires awake.

Have been thinking recently that out of all my ambitions (to open an omelette shop, to be in the police force, etc), none has been as constant as my goal to be a mother. Came across a card by a pre-schooler that said “Mommy you are so soft” – my womb started aching from emptiness. I want so much to have a child of my own to love and protect and call mine. To teach and nurture and watch him/her become a human being.

It’s scary though. Maybe i’m being paranoid, since motherhood is incredibly prevalent (understatement? it’s the very reason for our existence and overpopulation lol) but i fear the many things that can go wrong. Will i be healthy enough to carry a child? Will my child be healthy at birth? Can i provide a stable environment for him/her? In a decade’s time if i reread this i hope to already have a toddler clamoring for my attention. But it may very well be that i’m barren and still yearning.

There are women out there who are doing amazing things with their lives, mother or not. They have all my admiration. I didn’t mean for my ideals to be so closely aligned to what is expected of women in say, the Victorian era – but it so happens that my evolutionary instincts to procreate is damn strong. Deep down i know it’s not a female thing tbh… even if i were male i’d be as inclined to be a father.

Want a cute chubby child of mine in my arms gazing at me and calling me mommy so much.. omg.