Q

I am terrible at meditation.

How hard can it be to quiet one’s thoughts in the absence of external stimuli? The answer seems to be: incredibly so. Concerningly so.

This has always been the case, the running brain, the ever-buzzing. But since I’ve been plagued by a host of health issues (or, that they came into conscious focus), it has been out of control.

I thought I was good and had learnt all the lessons I needed to learn, but that is so far from the truth. I’m only beginning, or have not even begun in earnest.

You can be right at the peak of a mountain, but find yourself only a quivering leaf, swept away off course by the whims of just the tiniest puff of wind. Not by any means a firmly planted boulder or determined goat.

Anyway, I will try this meditation business again tomorrow.

I never knew how dependent my mind is on my body for intense physical activity, used as a crutch and a distraction. I need to go out and smell some flowers, and be okay with just that.

Is this how it feels like to be depressed? This… moroseness. The sick, squirming feeling in the pit of one’s core, of not being the right person in the right place with the right life; of wanting to escape this very moment, your body, self, and place, and of feeling homesick for something when you’re already home.