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  • Book Review: Milan Kundera’s Immortality

    I fell deeply in love with this novel.

    Kundera crafted a delectable seven-course literary masterpiece. The amount of control he has over the narrative – every dialogue, character, gesture, structure – is astounding. And with this control comes the most self-aware, perfectly orchestrated novel I’ve read in a long time. Like a Brechtian play, the ropes and pulleys are laid out: our heroine is not only fictional, but borne of a gesture the author glanced from another. Weaved into the story are the author’s muses, the story but a vehicle and device.

    Yet, you cannot help being drawn in.

    I especially related to Agnes, our protagonist. Her easy irritation at noise, bodies, negativity, modern chaos. Her need to disappear, to be alone, to not be inconvenienced outside of her own control.

    I cannot hate them because nothing binds me to them; I have nothing in common with them.

    For posterity: some sections and quotes from the book I held my breath through.

    On Imagology.

    Are you objecting that advertising and propaganda cannot be compared, because one serves commerce and the other ideology? […] Some one hundred years ago in Russia, persecuted Marxists began to secretly gather in small circles in order to study Marx’s manifesto; they simplified the contents of this simple ideology in order to disseminate it to other circles, whose members, simplifying it further and further, this simplification of the simple kept passing it on and on, so that Marxism became known and powerful on the whole planet all that was left of it was a collection of six or seven slogans, so poorly linked that it can hardly be called an ideology. And precisely because the remnants of Marx no longer form any logical systems of ideas, but only a series of suggestive images and slogans (of smiling worker with a hammer, black, white and yellow men and so on), we can rightfully talk of gradual, general, planetary transformation of ideology into imagology.

    Ideology was like a set of enormous wheels at the back of the stage, turning and setting in motion wars revolutions, reforms. The wheels of imagology turn without having any effect upon history. Ideologies fought with one another and each of them was capable of filling a whole epoch with its thinking. Imagology organizes peaceful alternation of its systems in lively seasonal rhythms. […] Ideology belonged to history, while the reign of imagology begins where history ends.

    On human rights.

    Human rights once again found their place in the vocabulary of our times; I don’t know a single politician who doesn’t mention ten times a day ‘the fight for human rights’ or ‘violation of human rights’. But because people in the West are not threatened by concentration camps and are free to say and write what they want, the more the fight for human rights gains in popularity the more it loses any concrete content, becoming a kind of universal stance of everyone towards everything, a kind of energy that turns all human desires into rights. The world has become the men’s right and everything in it has become a right: the desire for love the right to love, the desire for rest the right to rest, the desire for friendship the right to friendship, the desire to exceed the speed limit the right to exceed the speed limit, the desire for happiness the right to happiness, the desire to publish a book the right to publish a book, the desire to shout in the street in the middle of the night the right to shout in the street in the middle of the night. 

    On Rationality.

    In all languages derived from Latin, the word “reason” (ratio, raison, ragione) has a double meaning: first, it designates the ability to think, and only second, the cause. Therefore reason in the sense of a cause is always understood as something rational. A reason the rationality of which is not transparent would seem to be incapable of causing an effect. But in German, a reason in the sense of a cause is called Grund, a word having nothing to do with the Latin ratio and originally meaning “soil” and later “basis”. […] Such a Grund is inscribed deep in all of us, it is the ever-present cause of our actions, it is the soil from which our fate grows.

    On Novels.

    The present era grabs everything that was ever written in order to transform it into films, TV programmes, or cartoons. What is essential in a novel is precisely what can only be expressed in a novel, and so every adaptation contains nothing but the non-essential. If a person is still crazy enough to write novels nowadays and wants to protect them, they have to write them in such a way that they cannot be adapted [or] retold.

    On Being.

    A special, unforgettable moment: She was forgetting her self, losing her self, she was without a self; and that was happiness.

    What is unbearable in life is not being but being one’s self.

    Living, there is no happiness in that. Living: carrying one’s painful self through the world.

    But being, being is happiness. Being: becoming a fountain, a fountain on which the universe falls like warm rain.

    November 22, 2022

  • A detour

    Can you believe that I have been writing in this space – semi-actively – since March 2006?

    By some foresight I have privatised everything pre-2009. You don’t want words from your fourteen year old self out in the internet. Yet, I’m so glad I have kept these relics. Thoughts, feelings, fears, dreams, opinions, joys, goals, stupid and embarrassing though they may be.

    Au contraire, trawling through the years of writing, I’m in awe of my younger self’s heady and naïve courage. For half a decade, I wrote so confidently on divisive issues: homosexuality, religion, politics… it seemed almost as if I wanted to incite an argument. I don’t know where I got that bawdy confidence from. How did I respond to the barrage of comments – for and against – methodologically, undaunted by being wrong or strangers hating me for my core beliefs?

    I no longer have that foolhardiness. 

    With age, I know only one thing for certain: I know absolutely nothing with certainty. Even with my stronger convictions, I no longer have the urge to convince others in that conviction. Not that I think young Q was wrong – I loved that she tried, loved that she wrote in hope to be convinced otherwise, to better parse, analyse, and understand / refute her own beliefs.

    Similarly, I’m in awe of the bold choices I’ve made without thinking them bold. How I was so at ease with putting myself out there with #foodporn, performing with abandon with everyone who mattered watching. How I broke all the rules of an honors thesis in psychology, and made #fp – a self-staged production – the subject of my graduation thesis (?? How did I do this ??). And how was I so cavalier with my chances at an internship, choosing instead to work at a kindergarten, stage #fp, and help out a friend for a startup (which turned out to be the pivotal moment for my career path).

    In all these unconventional choices I have derived only the best memories and experiences. They have opened the doors to all the opportunities I have that led me to today. I have not a feather of regret for all these choices young Q has made. If my prefrontal cortex was pre-developed, then I wish everyone could have a safe sandbox to go crazy and play during their years of pre-development.

    November 16, 2022

  • Book Review: A Clergyman’s Daughter by George Orwell

    This book was picked up on the whim: I wanted something to read by the pool, on a holiday in Chiang Mai. Chosen purely because it was the one book sitting snug and new in a wrapper, in the bookstore I chanced by.

    An orphan of a novel, Orwell himself disowned it and was displeased by its continued publication. My theory: he had set out to write something satirical — an absurd situation and life — only to find it an embarrassingly accurate depiction (of a woman’s life). Put off by the unintended veracity (curses! i am a satirical political writer, not a feminist! thought he.)  he disavowed and swore against the title thereafter.

    But boy am I glad it was written.

    There was something deeply immersive about the inner world and adventures – or misadventures – of Dorothy. The phases in the novel are crisp and concise: her former life, hops picking, as a school teacher, etc. Each section compelling; necessary; brilliantly paced and placed. 

    What was intended to be a light poolside read had me hooked – on a vacation! I read for hours in the balcony, the pool, the airport, on the plane and savoured each page till the last.

    This book doesn’t get lost in itself – it is controlled, coming back to a full circle. Despite all Dorothy has experienced and overcome, she is back at ground zero. This despairing ending by her will and choice, not by her stupidity nor forces of plot. Yet, it was wholly relatable. The entire story has been built so you understand Dorothy’s upbringing, environment, inner beliefs, thoughts, and progression, and how it could have hit that brick wall when the ultimate decision was to be made.

    I would go as far as to say this was one of the most raw and truthful depiction of a small town woman’s life in 1930s England I have read.

    Now as for the surrounding characters: as much as they were caricatures, Orwell’s satire did a remarkable job at fleshing each one out. True, they were vehicles carrying highly specific socio-political messages. But really, everyone has an entirely disagreeable Rector Hare, a free-spirited and selfish Mr Waburton, and a shit-stirring gossip-monger Mrs Semprill, in their lives. Chances are they play to their caricatures all too well.

    My verdict: Every woman should give A Clergyman’s Daughter a read, and find yourself both despairing and relieved. That there are aspects of Dorothy’s helplessness we can relate to; that we have the illusion of choice at times, but in fact not at all. But also that we have come really, really far from where Dorothy was. We have agency and choices that, even when difficult, is freedom in themselves.

    November 14, 2022

  • PORTUGAL, FRANCE, 2022

    Lisbon, of cobalt and clementine. Of faded regality and a startle of sunlight. Of graffiti inherited from old times, scribbles on walls. Sleepy tunes that make you weep at midnight; endless codfish and white wine.

    Paris. My heart lies here, in the Pantheon, by the seine. Of your coffee-laced mornings and espresso nights. Of your snappy slowness and symmetry. Of the lilt in your tongue and the certainty of petit déjeuner; your authenticity maligned as aloofness.

    Fontaine-bleu, your compact beauty, your winding, bouldered forests and lakes and castles.

    Porto, sweet as your namesake. Narrow alleys and the sharp silhouette of masts yearning for skies.

    Guimarães, of clean, quiet grace. Of sitting above the rest. Of fur-soft tones and walking in circles, going somewhere to end up where you have always been.

    Cascais. Of liqueur in chocolate cups that mellows you inside out. Of stupid loopy grins. Of cold beaches and too-young people, stomping in the sand.

    Sintra. A fairytale, a watercolor daydream. Of untold love stories between many, many told ones. Of secrets puffed into the wind like dandelion, bitter and beautiful. Of clouds pillowing your fantasy in vermillion and gold. Of bronzed dogs that live forever.

    November 9, 2022

  • Matters of Great Consequence

    In the minute I was born, three other events took place, of which two were significant and one altered the subsequent course of my life.

    These were what happened:

    1. An author penned the first word of her first novel, without realising the fact

    2. A chain of GATCs lined up in a sequence unique in the history of our Universe

    3. A tomato rolled off the wagon, squashed to a green pulp under the farmer’s boot

    The day was simultaneously hot and cold depending on where you were. At the place of my birth, heat seared into skin like knives dragged over bare skin. Elsewhere, winter chill did the same.


    I favor the derivative, ‘Space’. ‘Outer Space’ suggests that there is an ‘Inner Space’ – Earth. But there is no space here. Only gaps. Gaps between this land and the other; gaps between humans on the subway (if you are so lucky). Gaps between teeth, thighs, and logic. The infinitesimal gap between atoms of futilely clasped hands.

    When I say “I need space,” no one knows the picture in my head:

    I am floating in subzero, waiting for a speck of space dust to shatter my brittle body into the vacuum.


    Leaves have their wisdom too.

    Their shape, size and color; their thirst and lust for closeness to the sun, are singularly governed by the task of respiration. Untethered they are by Living, or Meaning. They brown and shed when needed and suffer no existentialism.


    May 14, 2022

  • April in Taszów

    Kwiecień w Taszowie

    Zadbany rząd sosen
    stojący na baczność.
    Płaszcz białego pudru na ich dumnych ramionach.

    Śnieg spadł o świcie zanim wstałam
    powoli, miękko dryfował w moich snach.
    Drewno trzeszczy w piecu, miarowe bicie serca.
    Pies przywlókł gałązkę, podczas gdy
    na zewnątrz czekają na nas drzewa niosące swój dar.

    April in Taszów 

    A neat row of pine trees
    standing at attention.
    A coat of white powder on their proud shoulders.

    Snow fell at dawn, before I rose
    slowly, softly it drifted in my dreams.
    Wood crackles in the stove, a steady heartbeat.
    The dog drags in a twig, while
    outside, the trees await us, carrying their gift.

    Q

    May 7, 2022

  • pins

    I have lived this life before. This sharp, insisting consciousness.

    A cascade of coincidences now a matrix of poetry and pain, pining and power.

    Two pins fall in an expanding universe, too loud to bear.

    What is so special about stardust, anyway? Every organic being risen from it, crumbles to it.

    April 7, 2022

  • A kind of certainty

    Perhaps to be secure in love is to allow in yourself the petulance of a child; the confidence to declare, than request, affection. Always “I know you will love me”, never “Do you” or “Will you?”

    Perhaps it is to have a child’s guileless cruelty. The way they close a palm over the powdery wings of a butterfly. To hurt not to harm, but to understand their ability to do so.

    Perhaps it is to have a child’s notion of ‘forever’. Not years bore in tedium, chained to bills; unforgiven words. But a captured moment of joy in silo, a perpetually shaken snowglobe.

    Perhaps it is just that. A return to form. A certainty distilled from untainted trust.

    April 6, 2022

  • 3.45am streams of consciousness

    Once upon a time without you, I would have said ‘You are my rock‘ and thought that was enough.

    But it is not a rock I want to have and to hold, a shape defined and immutable. I want an ocean – to be buoyed, to be brought places; to be engulfed and drowned; to be shown depths and to know the unknown.

    To immerse myself, whole; to be one with; to plunge into ice cold water, to every second be reminded that I am so alive.

    To move as you do, yet know where I am, always (with you, in you). The gentle waves the passionate tides. The always new to know of you. The endlessness of you, the borderless of us, the bridge to some horizon.

    You are my ocean.

    January 17, 2022

  • Us & Them

    At age 7, in the back of a school bus, I asked my Indian classmate “Do you know what an ah-bu-neh-neh is?” She blinked blankly back at me, an uncomfortable tension set in her jaw I was too young to decipher.

    In response to her terse silence, I helpfully pointed at a sleek, black sedan visible through the droppings-splattered rear window. “There! Ah bu neh neh means you’re black like this car!”

    Not a year later, I learnt that this isn’t something I should have said to her. Years later I learnt it’s because I could have – probably did – hurt her feelings.

    Will I ever do this again? Never.

    I was a child who didn’t know any better. Children are quick to notice differences and address them. Children pick up terms they hear from adults around us. Children want to share what they know. I didn’t mean to hurt, or harm, merely inform. But children also realize and learn.

    And that’s the crux of it, isn’t it? We learn and acknowledge and be better, or try to be.

    I knew I was innocent in my childish intent to share. But intention does not matter. How I said it does not matter. What I said does not matter. What matters is the fact of how it made her feel: bad.

    So it is ludicrous for anyone to deem themselves able to know, dictate, and insist on how another is feeling. If 7 year old me had been told that my words had unintentionally hurt someone, would I say “No, she is not hurt.” “No, she cannot be hurt because I didn’t mean to hurt.”

    Probably not, because we develop mental representations by 24 months.

    Speaking of Piaget, maybe Vygotsky’s work can explain why some never develop to the cognitive stage they are expected to. Because of socio-cultural modelling. By family, by authority figures, by – dare I say – the authorities?

    Came across some heartbreaking news about someone I hold with great respect, and has shown me nothing but genuine kindness. It is shit that speaking the truth can mean persecution, but we cannot forget that Kuo Pao Kun was thrown into jail for years before being granted the Cultural Medallion.

    October 29, 2021

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