Q

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  • Choice is overrated

    Perhaps love is overrated.

    Still, it is a fascinating thing to have and behold. A heady chemical compound made up of god-knows how much oxytocin and dopamine, throw in serotonin and norepinephrine for good measure. Time the releases at just the right frequency and – kaboom! – you have love. Not easy, but really not the magic it’s touted to be.

    Choice, though, choice is so overrated.

    Don’t tell me love is a choice. One is biological chemistry, and the other, an act of will governed by too many factors to be the fix-all in many a cavalier dispensing of advice.

    Why would I choose everyday to arbitrarily be attached to someone for no satisfactory reason? No, choice cannot be it — how fare the weak-willed, or those sans choice, or those who need a a reason to make that choice?

    It must be respect. To still find yourself respecting who this person is, and find yourself respected in kind. To agree with the person they are, to be motivated and inspired by how they act. It is through the lenses of respect that you accord the other with the right treatment (as they say, ‘treat respectfully’); through respect that you withhold any urge to hurt or destruct. It is admiration – on the foundation of respect – that is the continuous affirmation of both reasonable and emotional attachment to another.

    Not love, not choice. Respect.

    October 25, 2021

  • Future Nostalgia

    While running today, Dua Lipa’s ‘Future Nostalgia’ popped up on my Spotify. The term resonated, wrapped itself over a yet unnamed entity in my web of unarticulated emotions.

    Now I have never listened to, nor heard of, Future Nostalgia. Dua (or is it Lipa?) is likely referencing an entirely different concept. That is besides the point.

    The point, here, is that it got me wondering what exactly has this phrase tapped into, in me? It’s like sticking a hand blind into a carton of foam, grappling for that one emotion that feels right.

    Future Nostalgia. I guess you can think of it as a yearning for things yet to come, yet to have been possessed. But that would be akin to anticipation; anticipation hinting at a certain tension, a certain anxiety and uncertainty. It is something you have to work for, that may at any moment cease to be a future.

    Nostalgia implies this event is a surety. Predetermined. Sans the thrill of a what-if or how?

    But the certainty may not be realized. It is a fondness, a remembrance, a phantom future that is as sure as it holds in our fantasies and younger hopes. An I-could-have-been. Not regret, but a Gaussian wave of infinite possibilities of what could have been.

    You think of them with a particular affection, affection for that hope you have had or the self you would have been, then you let it pass, knowing you will always have it. It is always there, always in you, always before and after you. Nostalgia. Future nostalgia,

    October 25, 2021

  • Letters from a different time

    The astronaut releases a letter into space

    Today, the sun is orange.
    Yoked by the too-slow turn of earth,
    it has a different face where you are.

    Today, the sun is orange, waking me
    from dreams of hollow scapulas crumbling to touch.
    Blinking, my fists close to a dust of faraway light.

    –

    The seafarer casts a letter into the ocean

    I count fish bones the way I count days
    we are apart. Fine, silvery threads pulled from
    skin, lined in neat parallels that do not meet.

    Where I am, the watery sun breaks like yolk over waves,
    wave after wave on a lone axis, bringing me to you.

    Q

    September 19, 2021

  • The end will be slow

    What they don’t tell you about the beginning of the end is this:

    It looks nothing like you would imagine.

    The world rumbles on as it did before. Memes are made and sent, a new TikTok user shoots to fame. Thinking about which bars to visit this weekend, making a mental note to get brussel sprouts from the grocer’s this afternoon. YouTube-ing “How to skateboard”.

    In some parts of the world, a teen plays with their cellphone – a model two years outdated – not knowing he will step on an explosive by the end the day.

    Somewhere else, a family delights as their child squeals at her first rain.

    Not a single nuclear detonation; not the wide sweep of a biological virus – nor a technological one. Just the slow, steady turn of the everyday, until one day you find it inches off orbit.

    A dispersion beyond land and borders: many into space, plenty into bits of packaged information. Yet others packed clumsily into earth as the ones before them.

    Where will you be?

    August 28, 2021

  • 15 minutes before the end of the world

    Inspired by jonnysun’s “your last 15 minutes before the end of the world”

    –

    Minute fifteen: I breathe. I count down from sixty; give myself precisely one minute to cycle through doubt, denial, realization, panic, then acceptance.

    Minute fourteen: I block all incoming calls. I run down my recent chats like a laundry list. I text my dad, my sister, my mom. Kornel. My aunts.

    Minute thirteen: I text XT, Becks, Zoea, Xin, KJ, Ness, Nat, Laups, Keng, Debs, Rei, Beni. I wing a prayer to Cel. “I love you, thank you for everything, see you again soon.”

    Minute twelve: I call my grandma, and give up at the fifth ring, annoyed that I have wasted half a minute on this. I spend the next half annoyed at myself for being annoyed. Even at the end of the world, family has a way of getting to you.

    Minute eleven: The rationalization kicks in. “At least everyone is leaving together. What better way is there to go? There is no one left behind to grieve.”

    Minute ten: I scroll mindlessly through the explosion of texts streaming in now, and note how similar it is to every new year’s day since smartphones became the norm.

    Minute nine: Search Wikipedia for the timeline of smartphones. Calculate the percentage, out of the entire history of humankind, they were indispensable.

    Minute eight: Call grandma again. She will not pick up, as usual. Somewhere deep down, I’m relieved. She would have spend eight minutes asking me to put on warmer clothes and to come home for soup, which would make me cry. I don’t want to cry.

    Minute seven: I catch myself breathing and realize I had double the amount of time to live seven minutes ago. Fifteen minutes, now, sounds like a luxury and a lifetime.

    Minute six: I call Kornel. We spend the call convincing each other, a priori, that afterlife exists and we will be together again.

    Minute five: We are still on the phone.

    Minute four: I think about my future that will not exist, and all the things I may have had. Children. Career. Family. A House. I surprise myself to realize it does not bother me. I can’t lose what I don’t have.

    Minute three: I think, instead, about the life I do have. A self-composed “life flashing before my eyes.” I lie down to do this. I start with my first memory — on my back, a thin mattress, boredom, clutching a warm milk bottle, the nanny knocking impatiently on its bottom.

    Minute two: I’m up to my adolescence now.

    Minute one: I’m up to my adulthood now.

    Minute zero: It’s been a good life. I think I’m okay with thi-

    April 29, 2021

  • Skull

    Seismic or vibrational communication is an ancient sensory modality of conveying information through vibrations. Earth, a plant stem or leaf, the surface of a body of water, a spider’s web, a honeycomb, or any of the myriad types may be vibrational substrates.


    That day, it seemed to him, was the first that mattered. Every memory and thought after bright and real, clarified through a looking glass. Everything before a dream with edges runny like broken water.

    ❖

    Soft rain pelts on his nose and eyelashes, beading on his blue sweater where they land.

    To his north east, neat rows of pine trees raise their branches coquettishly, needles shaking off the last of their white winter cap. As the row curls westward, it begins to lose its form. Pelts of moss sidle up the base of trunks like quaint socks. A little ahead of him — pressing its slobbery nose over the grassy mounds — trundles a dusky bronze Labrador. At times, it cavorts over with surprising agility for its size and age, winding between his legs, heavy tail whipping carelessly at his thighs.

    For a reason that has yet to coalesce in his consciousness, he finds himself walking to where the trees sit haphazardly, unkempt.

    ❖

    His scale is steady, even as one step rises to ragged rocks while the next sinks into a cluster of prickly ferns. He feels curiously safe, cradled by the bubbling brook, the occasional whistle of a lone bird that does not tire of its tune. When twigs give way beneath his boot with a wet crackle, he finds footing reliably on the padded marsh beneath.

    He is not sure how long it has been, only that the sun filtering through the pinewoods above have sharpened into columns and are bleeding into orange. The trees rise higher here, while the sun makes its way down. The brook — he concludes from the swelling, constant burbling around him — is now a stream. It muffles the huff of his breaths, but each inhalation now brings greater flavor: the sweetness of pine, mellowed by the earthiness of mushrooms before dissipating with the frostiness of winter’s passing.

    He notices first the shaft of golden light pouring from its mouth (or a gaping hole that could have been one) spilling into a pool of amber, illuminating the square of forest floor before it. The surrounding browns and greens dulled, it seems to him, in an instant. The stream drums on, almost eagerly.

    ❖

    The skull sits on a fallen bough, horizontal at knee-height, like a child’s makeshift swing. Near the bough’s midpoint protrudes a broken branch threading through an oval crevice adjacent to its eye socket, cozily fitted like a natural horn. The rest of it is dominated by that light-yielding cavity, framing it a fine jaw bone lined fastidiously with blunted teeth. From an angle, he can almost imagine the skull to be held in place with its bite on the mottled bough.

    In his trance-like examination, he has come eye-to-eye with it. The dual chambers glow gold, amber, white — lit within from the sunlight’s shifting angles on its westward descent. Now, he cups the jaw, tender as he would a lover, and unsheathes it from the horn. Gingerly, he tests its mass and matter. It dawns on him that he cannot know any more about the skull: he already knows it, and is merely re-acquainting with its shape and form; with its startling lightness and powdery touch.

    Without much forethought he brings his lips close to the cavity, pursing them like he would a mindless whistle; a casual kiss. He blew soundlessly into the skull.

    ❖❖❖

    Years later (and yet more years later), in places far from his childhood, the forest, the Labrador, and his self that day, he would find the skull again, many times and in many ways.

    In the passing of a subway train, the all-encompassing rumbling, the flit of fluorescent lights, shadow, lights. The skull grinning back at him from his blinkering reflection before rushing away with the last carriage.

    Ducking under the shadow of a building to shake musty rain off his coat, glancing skyward at the mural-sized glass glittering proudly to no one. The glint of the skull’s wink with hollow eyes set aflame.

    At the carefully clipped green mats of a sprawling lawn, walking a friend’s dog, the skull dancing in a mist of sprinklers. The back alley of a bar, in the steam hissing from colourless bricks where he pressed his knuckles, heaving emptiness.

    In a bed that had lost all spring. A sleeping female shape next to him under custard yellow sheets, the cold plastic of a remote in his hand, staring at the TV until the static burned into a floating afterimage of the skull.

    Each time it calls for him. He knows it from the hum at the base of his neck and the back of his throat. A reminder, a trail, a knowledge gifted and slipped away.

    ❖❖❖

    He blows into the skull. It may have lasted seconds, minutes, as long as his breath can hold. But there is no strain, and there is no sound. Only an unearthly frequency that reverberates, at once hollowing out his bones and filling him brimful with an ancient song. The forest is listening, rapturous. The Labrador stands at attention, majestic in its serious, knowing expression. Blades of grass twitch in remembrance. Roots tunnelling closer to core than land yawn beneath his feet. Mushrooms, shied under their thick brown caps, stir and bare their intricate patterns to surface.

    When it ends, he is not sure if it was him or the skull who willed it to.

    As if the forest has been holding its breath, a deep, collective sigh released the flow and flurry again.

    He knows the forest murmured a secret to him, and he is to understand and know. In the days that follow, much more became clear. But the one he was to know remains obscured. All he can be sure of is that at the moment of the forest’s sigh, he heard softly but surely the give of water: a small creature diving cleanly into the stream.

    Not a month later, he packs a compact suitcase and starts a trek of cities with fluorescent lights; clipped lawns; glittering buildings; warm figures he seem to always find but never keep.

    ❖❖❖

    In one of the cities where his suitcase landed, foreign ferns are streaked with maroon, with leaves wide and wet as newborns. In the summer, when the heat is feverish, he cools off by the pool with a paperback and his sandals kicked off. In the languid air hung a cloying scent of sunblock and shrieks of children romping dangerously near the pool’s edge, but he does not mind. Resting his eyes, he watches them tumble and fight like puppies.

    It is while resting that the glimmering, chlorine blue of the pool’s surface began to eddy again to that familiar shape, the drumming and hum catching in his core. This time though, he is jolted by another long-known sound: body breaking water.

    All he can see of her from the surface is a crown of raven like seaweed undulating in the water. Around her, the skull ripples and dissolves, its grin wider than ever. Now, the body turns towards him, rises from the water. On her face that biding, knowing look the skull, the Labrador, the whistling bird and coy mushrooms had held.

    And then, as if two looking glasses rolling at random now snap to perfect alignment, he saw with clarity the knowledge the forest had gifted: “You’re home.”

    ❖

    Q

    April 19, 2021

  • february – november

    it was february. you broke into my life with little fanfare. blonde with a killer smile and eyes a thousand shades in different lights. you with your catholic sensibilities and love for art. you with your Chopin at night and savant-like Jeopardy knowledge.

    so many things in between, and here we are. today. november.

    your arms around me the first of my waking consciousness, “i like you so much” the first words i hear in the morning.

    against my cautiousness, despite my guardedness, you’ve proven to be nothing but worthy of my trust.

    let’s put it this way: maybe i can never get over the possibility of someone simply walking out of my life. or losing all their affection in a day. but there are those who are worth taking the risk for, maybe even worth the eventual heartbreak. i think what we have is worth it.

    who else will slow dance with me in the rain? or pick me up and spin me around with so much ease and mirth? or rap with me, air guitar an entire sequence of fleetwood mac, dance to baby metal? or pretend three-legged race, sketch with me, okay all my artistic whimsies?

    how can i replicate the feeling of you making a string of random noises, and me knowing exactly what you meant?

    i like this rhythm. i like the cadence of our conversations and the way our hugs fit just right.

    i like who i am with you, and who you believe i can be.


    my relationship with the weather as an allegory of character growth:

    years ago, i hated the rain. hated it with equal parts fear and condescension. in another timeline, a comforting hand made my rain-induced moodiness better. i thought this must be what a partner should do: to soothe and to provide escape.

    with you, i forget that this is the rain i hate. to you it was another day. to me it was that scene in a bildungsroman novel one would break down as a literary character development.

    we ran in the rain, you opening the trail, portending splash spots. we kissed in the rain, our lips slick with wetness but finding each other with quick familiarity. we survived the rain: a grand adventure than lost hours and foiled plans.

    a question. do people typically like what someone is in relation to them, or who they are independently?

    i find myself gravitating towards the latter, reading you as a protagonist, a first-person narrator. and i love the world through your eyes. it is this much more vivid, this much brighter. this much more intriguing. worth going through, because every obstacle is a welcome challenge, a means to be better.

    this book is one i never want to stop reading.

    November 19, 2020

  • dance again

    even when you lose faith in words, new things will come that ask to be written.

     

     

    August 15, 2020

  • Vapor

    my own steps terrify me.
    the weight of it, the shock of sound
    that tells me i am material,
    of flesh
    and skin that warms to touch.

    at dawn i am silent:
    a ghost space filtered through misted mirrors;
    a slow distillation of light.

    only then am i my own.
    your hands close over
    vapor, violets un-blooming
    where there is no earth.

    then a blush of dew on knuckles.
    a certain gravity. willed into being
    by another. i take shape
    and lose my self.

    Q

    July 17, 2020

  • Psyche

    and in the dark mouth of the mountain she stands

    trembling, freed.

    her parents’ slow-spinning cries a distant orbit.

    yes.

    better this than a dusty stillness; those unblinking Plutonian eyes.

    better this: to be wilfully plucked and devoured whole,

    each night touched by the dark; a shadow face,

    every morning a mortal ache, stirring with want.

    Q

    May 14, 2020

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